Something tangible they say. Not a silhouette dance in the night with a shadow. Not just feeling someone there with me in a romance, that may dawn centuries...and dance on paper as a character...but someone real and alive. Hmmmm...I think it was that time that my mom and Connie were here, I was so excited because they were taking me to the airport and I was going to be meeting Jake on a tropical island for a getaway. Mom said pack and so I did...I needed a bathing suit, sundresses, tank tops and of course a silky short black dress for our nights out. Oh and his baby blanket...why his mother indulges in my obsession is beyond me. Did I ever tell you she had a shirt of his on the dryer for fifteen years, and I got a stain on a white shirt and she says "here wear this." I think it is kind of in part that she believes I do connect to him. Talk to him while I am doing stuff around their house...always just something Nancy puts me to work with, and I always feel I am pleasing Jake by doing everything his mom asks to the best of my ability. Anyway let's just say the tropical island getaway wardrobe I packed was not really allowed at the psych ward!
No matter how real it all is to me though, I was never going to the airport. I was never meeting him at Lake Elmo, or Dehler Park for a international realm proposal on the pitcher's mound...I was going to the hospital to get a shot of Haldol in my ass. And its like this. As tears are even streaming down my face right now, I got to make a choice. This thing with Jake has been going on about a year (legit actually since age 12)...and well before that it was Adam and a tangible man I couldn't give my whole heart to. And now there is someone tangible, into me and doesn't seem afraid of these things...and I have told him. I guess in a way to test his fear factor. And at the same time I have been very blatant that I am looking for someone to help me...to keep me grounded...to keep me on the plane with my children. I need a tether. It is not good for me to be alone so much.
Its alot to ask of someone and this very moment and we've been dating a week lol...I am like what do I really want for my life? I do know that I am not afraid to be "alone" because other than what it looks like to the masses, I am never actually alone. I can't feel Jake with me at all times, but I do know he is with me, but I just wonder as I am here in Flatt if he says "its ok" if I try something different? Like if I be brave and say this person is real, and they like me and want to help me, could I let go of this whole world that has been created for me? Will I lose my story? My edge? All my concepts for writing out the window? And it would be to fit in Flatt. It would be to accept that I need to make a choice to try and stay in one place. To try my best to fit the mold and stop my escapes into Concord? I know that is what my family wants...that is what pretty much all people want for me. So they can freaking breathe easy. So like Dodge dealerships don't have to worry about my "demolition derby" vengeance that they won't give me my Rams?
I do know I have a greater destiny. I do know the memories of Jake and ConCord will never leave me...I do know that I have experienced enough in it to last a lifetime...til I do see him face to face...to keep writing...make a movie. But what if it was all a passing phase, like not my whole life story, as I was thinking? Certainly something to consider. There are no guarantees on this relationship, but so far he is being understanding that like I have been to some radical places, but when they keep leading me to the hospital something needs to change. Its very tiring in and out of there. Its magical to me and poetic and a part of me I kind of love...and its something I go back and forth about what kind of life I want. Right now I am thinking stability sounds good. Someone I can see, sounds good. And he does make me laugh so that is good. I kind of know though that if it didn't work out...I would just have my answer, so at this point not too worried about a heartbreak.
I was thinking for months and got it approved to have a live in aid. This person was to monitor my moods and help keep me out of the hospital. Well yesterday my doc did something I didn't even know was possible cause I always get the shot of Haldol in the ass that knocks me out at the hospital...um I am gonna give it to myself. Fuk this is so hard! I guess because ConCord is so beautiful to me, but the way I clash between worlds is too much! I mean its sad AF to think I am taking that step to "fit" in a world that rejects me in every direction, from a place where I feel the utmost love. Adult decisions, I guess. Kind of taking all of me and saying here...I will be just like everyone else, but "not quite."
I just imagine all my family and friends saying "please stay with us Miranda." "And I am like but its not pretty here, and I am nothing...its painful here." And then I think of my kids and the prayer I prayed before their Christmas dinner at the school. That I would just be in the plane where they were and not embarrass them...that they would always be proud to have me as their mom as they are now. And well I guess that means if I have someone around that cares about me that says I need to take a Haldol, I take a fukn Haldol! And my kids mean that much to me that I would choose them over all the beauty of ConCord.
And the reason I brought up the live in aid thing is I have been blunt enough with this man that I need the help with this...and he isn't running as of yet. Its a hell of alot to ask of someone for real, and I don't even like having to be that upfront. You know I don't really feel like I am fuked up, or abusive or psychotic in ways that are threatening or dangerous...I just feel like I am alot to ask! Like taking me on is not an easy thing to ask anyone, and that is why I grew accustomed to not even going there. But IDK a man sounds way better than getting used to live in aides who would prolly be like a revolving door. I do know that if this doesn't work out, there will be no revolving door on trying to make it work with other men. This just kind of all happened and we clicked. But I am spent up on the emotion of attachment, or feelings of insecurity so um I am ok either way. Just need to take it day by day.
Anyway...rough writing this morning. Big changes. Brave changes indeed. Love ya all.
No matter how real it all is to me though, I was never going to the airport. I was never meeting him at Lake Elmo, or Dehler Park for a international realm proposal on the pitcher's mound...I was going to the hospital to get a shot of Haldol in my ass. And its like this. As tears are even streaming down my face right now, I got to make a choice. This thing with Jake has been going on about a year (legit actually since age 12)...and well before that it was Adam and a tangible man I couldn't give my whole heart to. And now there is someone tangible, into me and doesn't seem afraid of these things...and I have told him. I guess in a way to test his fear factor. And at the same time I have been very blatant that I am looking for someone to help me...to keep me grounded...to keep me on the plane with my children. I need a tether. It is not good for me to be alone so much.
Its alot to ask of someone and this very moment and we've been dating a week lol...I am like what do I really want for my life? I do know that I am not afraid to be "alone" because other than what it looks like to the masses, I am never actually alone. I can't feel Jake with me at all times, but I do know he is with me, but I just wonder as I am here in Flatt if he says "its ok" if I try something different? Like if I be brave and say this person is real, and they like me and want to help me, could I let go of this whole world that has been created for me? Will I lose my story? My edge? All my concepts for writing out the window? And it would be to fit in Flatt. It would be to accept that I need to make a choice to try and stay in one place. To try my best to fit the mold and stop my escapes into Concord? I know that is what my family wants...that is what pretty much all people want for me. So they can freaking breathe easy. So like Dodge dealerships don't have to worry about my "demolition derby" vengeance that they won't give me my Rams?
I do know I have a greater destiny. I do know the memories of Jake and ConCord will never leave me...I do know that I have experienced enough in it to last a lifetime...til I do see him face to face...to keep writing...make a movie. But what if it was all a passing phase, like not my whole life story, as I was thinking? Certainly something to consider. There are no guarantees on this relationship, but so far he is being understanding that like I have been to some radical places, but when they keep leading me to the hospital something needs to change. Its very tiring in and out of there. Its magical to me and poetic and a part of me I kind of love...and its something I go back and forth about what kind of life I want. Right now I am thinking stability sounds good. Someone I can see, sounds good. And he does make me laugh so that is good. I kind of know though that if it didn't work out...I would just have my answer, so at this point not too worried about a heartbreak.
I was thinking for months and got it approved to have a live in aid. This person was to monitor my moods and help keep me out of the hospital. Well yesterday my doc did something I didn't even know was possible cause I always get the shot of Haldol in the ass that knocks me out at the hospital...um I am gonna give it to myself. Fuk this is so hard! I guess because ConCord is so beautiful to me, but the way I clash between worlds is too much! I mean its sad AF to think I am taking that step to "fit" in a world that rejects me in every direction, from a place where I feel the utmost love. Adult decisions, I guess. Kind of taking all of me and saying here...I will be just like everyone else, but "not quite."
I just imagine all my family and friends saying "please stay with us Miranda." "And I am like but its not pretty here, and I am nothing...its painful here." And then I think of my kids and the prayer I prayed before their Christmas dinner at the school. That I would just be in the plane where they were and not embarrass them...that they would always be proud to have me as their mom as they are now. And well I guess that means if I have someone around that cares about me that says I need to take a Haldol, I take a fukn Haldol! And my kids mean that much to me that I would choose them over all the beauty of ConCord.
And the reason I brought up the live in aid thing is I have been blunt enough with this man that I need the help with this...and he isn't running as of yet. Its a hell of alot to ask of someone for real, and I don't even like having to be that upfront. You know I don't really feel like I am fuked up, or abusive or psychotic in ways that are threatening or dangerous...I just feel like I am alot to ask! Like taking me on is not an easy thing to ask anyone, and that is why I grew accustomed to not even going there. But IDK a man sounds way better than getting used to live in aides who would prolly be like a revolving door. I do know that if this doesn't work out, there will be no revolving door on trying to make it work with other men. This just kind of all happened and we clicked. But I am spent up on the emotion of attachment, or feelings of insecurity so um I am ok either way. Just need to take it day by day.
Anyway...rough writing this morning. Big changes. Brave changes indeed. Love ya all.
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