I remember it all very clearly. That time they were teasing me about my last
name. NEHUS. Its pronounced “NESS.” So which time was that? Was it yesterday…or 25 years ago? Well, it was both. Como se dice, Nehus? Ness. A little Spanish
for you Spanish speaking folks. So,
there I was in a hotel apartment typing again, and I loved it. I loved it so much the way my fingers spanned
the keyboard, and I could just know what I was saying and how to say it, my
way…something like a virgin finding a hero in a horoscope. Just the ticket to finding what would be next
in a line. Signed Nehossi Posse…that was
my nickname in high school, and it still sticks to this day with my high school
friends!
I also remember being in jail the first time in 2013. What a crack!
Wack. Working out in the yard,
wandering around lost. Happened
sometimes in prison too, except we had a track.
My track record is not the greatest as far as “time” goes. I was an alien in a strange land of
laughter. Why does it all make sense
now? How they were like… “how do you get
a felony for stalking?” “What exactly
did you do?” LOL. Teasing me about like well “what did you have to do?” That
was Ashley and her girlfriend who noticed I dominated in Volleyball the very
second day I was there. A slam into the
next court and just a jump over the net.
Ai Ai Ai. So intense those first
few days going out to yard. Not such
serious volleyball players just get it over the net!
Well, I violated my probation by being an insane woman of
course! Trespass on the only psych ward
in Billings? Well yeah. I did that on a Sunday in February, 2019. February 10th to be exact. The day before my big day, and well I was
sobered up for sure! I had ordered
drinks for me and my ghost Jacob at the Brew Pub. Just one glass of wine and one beer. One for each of us, as I had decided wine was
better for a lady, than a big honking glass of spirits. AND I had tried to trade Montana Last Best
Place t-shirts I had just traded (stolen) from Cricket Clothing Company in
Downtown Billings.
So there is this church in Downtown now and I know the
pastor from when I worked for Community Development. Lisa.
She was a mentor of mine and taught yoga at the prison! She came one day to counsel me in the Church
wearing red gingham checkers. Think
she’d almost style a pigtail very well.
She came every other week until covid, which also stopped yoga. Covid stopped EVERYTHING! I had also been attending AA and Buddhist
classes behind the walls. As well as
computers and stretching in the gym.
What a world it was. Parenting
too, and other random classes as I was behind these bars for almost a
year. What for?
For being crazy I said.
Yep. Out of control. I guess I call her “Jessie the Cowgirl”
because that’s exactly what she looks like, the warden. Long brown hair, a sparkly top with a big
belt buckle all raring to go with matching cowgirl boots! She’d lasso herself into the dining hall at
lunch time with a grand appearance and I never knew exactly where her office
was. How many people did, I do not
know…just me I did not know from whence she came, but she was glorious! Just a tall drink of water of some Spanish descent,
or? IDK , I digress that she was just
something to be amazed with and I wanted to know her. The Warden helped me naked off a bed one day,
in isolation. And that my friends is
Cheerleaders and Straight out of Compton style psych ward life or material
shall we, say yes, it is that way sometimes with clothes.
Clothes just come off.
Whether they are making me strip, or putting me in another Turtle Suit
the clothes just whip themselves off. I
remember my out in jail solitary Alpha was an early one, like 8 am hour, right
after they put breakfast through the door.
I had been put in a Turtle Suit, don’t remember why or the rhyme of why
they do that to people, but I was naked.
I was showing off my cheechies through the glass, and then when they let
me out a sequence floated through my brain and I ran around the open corridor, door
to door, completely nude, laughing and jumping around. I was seen, I felt seen. Dancing and then I shouted to the guard, a
shy little scrap of a man that “hadn’t he ever seen a woman before?” I used the telephone naked and pretty much
dared the officers to arrest me lol.
So currently its March 2022 and I have a sweet boyfriend of
six months. No more Jake or TJ right
now. So the love triangle died probably
when I wrote this one:
September 2, 2018
See baby our vibration...
They can't see it.
Our trilogy stepping stones mysteries...
Adventures and the way you lift my feet to dance.
Ya, I know you so well.
Breathing into me, life.
But every time we are together...you know what they do to me?
Awful things.
And the sequences I see mean nothing to them. There I saw you.
You were waiting on Wyoming Street.
They take you from me...say this is better
This is what is real to them...
But when I can't feel you with me and be who they all want me to be?
Your mom said I should "dump you" because you always get me in
trouble.
I want to think it's deeper And way more important than their world.
I've lasted a month without you...And now so freakin lonely and bored I'm self
medicating...just a lil ya know?
Just a little.
They call it insane. Me and you.
They don't want me like that.
Almost like a modern day Puritan witch hanging... without the pleasure of being
dead with you.
I'm sorry I can't handle it without your presence and excitement.
I'm sorry I'm never right about Jesus coming back...we were just practicing
right?
I don't know how to move on.
I try to meet new people...it never works...I overload them too quick.
It's not like "our thing."
It's pretty friggin cool I guess.
But on the other hand if I keep being wrong about unification...well Jake I got
kids here.
I gotta live here.
I can't be alone all the time.
Maybe I gotta let you go.
You're making a mess of me.
Loving you so much makes me insane.
And I'm telling you they gave me something that makes me not feel you or feel
any type of the games we played.
So Jake...idk? What you wanna do with this?
Cause right?
K gotta accept this...ya know? That I got this opportunity to be in other
people's reality?
Nothing's worked in years right?
And though it's been beautiful being with you and so much fun...I don't know if
I can do that to my kids anymore.
I guess I maybe could try to just tell the stories we have so far?
I dunno. How would you feel if I could give someone alive on Flatt at least a
chance to love me?
Yeah I dunno Jake...this is real hard. I kind want you here with me
tonight...but it always ends so bad!
And you know what being wrong on insanity...over and over is totally for the
birds no matter how interesting and exciting it is to know the other realm.
If only I could prove it. If only I could express the things I see that people
would believe me. But I never do. I'm just considered sick.
So you just need to stay away Jake unless you fukn mean it's really the end and
we all cross over with our soulmates.
I have court for all this shit now that happened that no one understands.
I'm sorry. And I know I don't even have to say that because you are my
soul and you know what's best for me before I ever even say it.
I don't even wanna stop talking.
Jake you just gotta go. And I know that you are always with me...and no matter
if I tell you to go you never would...but maybe less making me look insane with
marriage proposal via full blown different outfits including half naked on my
front porch would be great.
You dare me run topless downtown? Yep. Jail. I know absolutely this shit is
hilarious in Concord but seriously I still live in Flatt Fukr and I am getting
seriously upset that I am never right about what is happening!
Too much! Too much fun! Too adventurous. And way way too much time in holding
cells.
Not even funny. Stop laughing.
Eeeeeeeerrrrrhhhhh go away.
Stop tickling my funny bone!
OMG!!! I wanna be sad!
Stop it!
Stop making me laugh!
I'm serious. I need to find someone else!
I'ma call 911 this ghost is harrassing me and tickling my funny bone!
Eeeeeeeeekkkkk I'm not letting you in tonight!
Ok...I'ma change into something sexier...brb!
Fukr if I end up in jail tonight hallucinating alternative escape routes and
washing my hair in the toilet you are done for!
Ah fuk. Pretty normal eh?
I love you Jake...we broke up.
Chapter 2
So now I have Saul Mate.
A Saul Valencia. He’s not so bad himself. He’s real to me and in Flatt. I love him very much already, and we are
combining households. He even let my cat
have the patio room for his place. I
have my own room in our apartment and I love the space. I am writing for the first time in about a
month. The words are just flowing out
this AM and I am at peace with the world, both Flatt and ConCord. He is a con.
Of course he is, they all are basically, records or not.
So, I keep busy with Saul and taking care of the house. Dishes, Laundry, Cooking for him. I am actually a good cook, I never knew until
I had to know what I was doing, and I am learning from my son Mitchell and
friends, more and more how to do things and why. Enough about cooking, I want to talk about
babies…lol.
So, I have baby fever.
I am 43, its almost time for me to dry up and be done with all
that. I’ve always had c-sections, well
twice with my two pregnancies. Two
boys. Saul has three boys and a
girl. Ive named our children already
lol. Just now for a boy would be “True Jacob
Zane Valencia.” And my girl for him is “True
TaijahJane Helen Valencia.” Either way it’s
gonna be True. Whether we call her them
by nicknames or not…because Taijah Jane equal “TJ,” right? “Jane” is for Jane Fischer who was my
wonderful boss at the greenhouse for three years…we had so much fun growing
plants, herbs, vegetables etc. She was
my world and mother to another soul mate, Justin Fischer.
So, both my babies have beautiful colored eyes and deep dark
hair…and a lot of it. They could even be
twins, ok? Just want a newborn so
bad! Shit, I want a three-year-old too,
and two nieces I have at age one. Saul has a three-year-old grand-daughter
named Lalisa. I would like to see a picture of that one to see what kind of
genetics I think I am dealing with!
I am the Queen of my family, as an auntie, and mother, and
oldest of 10 siblings. I want this
legacy, my legend. Legend is a cool name
too. True Legend Valencia. Hmmm I really think it is time to rip out my
IUD out of my uterus and just make love til a baby comes. You know the good old-fashioned
happening! Yes, Ive always wanted
another baby, and I thought both my sons were girls. Mitchell was going to be Maisy and Evan was
going to be Evan whether he came out a girl of boy lol. My blue-eyed beautiful children. They are so handsome!
So how have my children been through all my trials? Well, I am really lucky they have Justin Dye,
their dad. Justin is adamant about our
sons growing up to be fine young men and disciplines and rears quite well with
the had he was dealt, as well.
My boys live on the outskirts of Billings, on a little farm in a town called
Joliet. They have chickens, goats, cats,
dogs and at one time horses. They are
good boys and have never to my knowledge messed with alcohol or drugs. Mitchell is almost fifteen and Evan is
eleven. Evan is Eleven sounds funny
doesn’t it! I love them so much it hurts,
and they keep me going in Flatt. When I
go to ConCord they have been shoved aside, as I’ve been hospitalized and
incarcerated. They came to visit me in
the prison before covid hit. We’d sit in the visiting area and play games and
have little holidays. Of course, I had
to strip naked and be searched after every visit, but it was worth it. I
remember very clearly how my son Mitchell took the lead singing Christmas
carols at the holiday party. He is quite
the charming actor, singer and dancer.
He has charisma. He has that
special thing that makes him stand out, that he is just not ready to
believe…but he does! Mitchell had anger
issues, but other than that little piece of my boy he is just a normal
teenager. He was showing me his abs in
progress last night, and I was like wow! My little man has a hairy stomach
now! Where had my little boy gone?
He’s all grown up!
How I affect him? I may never
know how deeply my crazy has affected my children. They’ve had an absent mother and been raised
by their father. I am a weekend afterthought and an entertainer of sorts. They’ve been on one helluva ride. I remember letting Mitchell drive my car on
some farm roads when he was eleven. BOY
OH BOY did we get in trouble with his dad…but he was such a good driver! Took a hairpin curve in the road and
fishtailed and corrected it swiftly…I asked him how he could drive so good, and
he said, “video games.” LMAO. I don’t think he has driven yet. He has a certain innocence that I think his
dad makes happen on purpose to protect him.
Both his dad and I were troubled youth and his dad landed in prison at
19 with a violent offence. Of course I
meet him in recovery, and I will never forget the first thing Justin said to
me! He plops down next to me on the curb
at a Celebrate Recovery Meeting outside the church. He looks me square in the eyes and smiled his
charming smile and said, “do you feel as bad as I do about smoking in front of
a church?” Of course, we were both lit
up, and within a month I knew he was to be the man I would marry. I was pregnant with Mitchell within 6 months,
and we made a life together for 6 years.
Of course, I was too much for him. I am always too much for everyone! Let alone men. It takes someone really special to deal with
me…and especially since my psychosis got worse, I need so much attention. I am all over the map daily with my
emotions. Saul describes it as one
moment raining, one moment laughing and the next thunder, lol. An emotional rollercoaster.
So, Evan is the baby.
I think he always will be unless I have another baby lol!!! He is a gamer and YouTube watcher. He’s been picked on a lot and has diastasis,
otherwise known as a space in his front teeth.
I want to become rich to get both my boys braces. Well rich is relative when you’ve survived on
disability for 10 years! Evan is humble
and sweet and a little bit cantankerous.
He is pliable at this point, and I am anxious to see how he shapes
himself in the future.
So, I am on the “TICKET TO WORK” program! I’ve always thought my writing would make me
independently wealthy, but for that you have to go viral or be discovered and
as of, yet I am not making much money off my writing. Just a wee bit here and there…not enough for
out LEGOLAND adventure which was promised to my boys at the ages of 5 and
2. One day they were bickering, and I
said lets hug and pose for a picture and if you do I will take you to Lego Land
someday! But for that day I said we
would go to Two Moon Park…and someday Lego Land and those boys stopped fighting
and posed for the sweetest memory of a picture. Mitchell had his arm around his
little brother for once, as he is always teasing Evan and bullying him these
days. But in that moment, there was pure
love, and I captured it!
But we’ve never been out of the Yellowstone area. I’ve been too poor for vacations and in
trouble with the law for years. I was
finally off paper for TJ in July of 2021. And to think it was 2013 when I wrote
Fairytale of Felony Stalker…a love note that got very, very long! I remember telling my boys when I would write
when they were at my house that I was working and to leave me alone and that
someday this would all pay off and we would live in a great big house by the
rims. The rims in Billings are a mountainous
ridge along the northern border on the city and people have used it like a
beach to park and there are trails and caves and it overlooks the entire
Billings area. It’s beautiful. I kind of
love Billings and have had to. It’s my
city and my stomping grounds. I’ve had
so many adventures and plus I used to work in Community Development as an AmeriCorps
VISTA. That is kind of my claim to
personal glory. Well that and Ultrasound
School…and well my business management degree,and oh yeah I tried to be a
realtor too! Lots of go getter things
and more is never enough for me. I plan
to get a master’s in Public Administration and be the Mayor of Billings
someday. It’s in the works and I
remember telling my kids years ago that we would not litter in the streets
because people were watching us as a family...
Mayors don’t litter.
LOL. I was on the Mayor’s
Committee on Homelessness from 2007 to 2009 and learned a lot about how the way
the city operates. And then I lived
through the courts and system myself. It
is wack. It is so backwards we’re just
going to call us the WILD WEST! Did you
count how many years I was in trouble for texting an ex-boyfriend? Well about eight years ago I sent seven texts
and a topless picture after a restraining order and along with a GPS around my
ankle for a year, I eventually landed in prison. The system is so messed up!
I think I deserved prison, though. I was insane and Psych was not working. What
else is there? Well, there should be
other options, but there is just not for the poor. I was sent to the state hospital like 4
times. Warm Springs, which is like a
warehouse for the mentally ill. They
don’t do much rehabilitation. It’s like
meds and food and stabilization then they send you on your way. They don’t even have one on one
counseling! It’s a meat grinding money
maker…I decided the next time I go there I will be working on a PhD. But first it’s a Masters of Public Relations
or Administration, I am a go getter lol.
Something has got to tie my whole life together. Something big! Whether that is Jesus coming back with Jacob
Shelby Black soon I don’t know, but I wait for that and dream I am searching
for him almost nightly.
My dreams are so profound.
Always searching the faces twist and morph. I lined up soul mates backwards and forwards
always searching for that one, but for right now I have Saul. There was a question of another soul mate
named Trevin W. Stevens, he is native and blonde and tall. He has two young blonde daughters and for a
year we were best friends. He took me out to his land on the reservation, but
alas friend zoned me and that is when I became closer to Saul and realized that
he was better for me than Trevin, though
both are soul mates. I have so many that
I can think of in my past! WoW God you
are good to me. Saul’s birthday is
February 1st, 1976. Mine is
October 1, 1978. We are both on the
first which is significant.
I did a naked sweat on the reservation with Trevin’s
family. The females, his auntie and
cousins and two little beautiful twin girls, age 6 months or so. They looked native but had light eyes and I
think that is ideal. Just beautiful! I
want one! And I think that Saul can give
me one. He insists that he is done, but
all in all he seems to always eventually give me what I want to make me
happy! He is a great man and has a been
in a lot of trouble in his past, but who wouldn’t be growing up in Tijuana? Gangs since he was a child. Stealing cars and Juvie by the time he was
14. What a different world he came from! Wow.
Just crazy to think of that world and what it must be like to grow up in
Mexico, wow! I wanna go to the beach or
something! Maybe something more who knows???
Chapter 3
Well some time has passed without writing. It is now February 11th,
2023. Yes February 11th is my
day that lives in infamy. The day TJ and
I broke up in 2013 and the day a year later we met in court for a lifetime
restraining order. Also my sobriety date
after being arrested on February 10th, 2019. It is a day for me to
remember and reflect.
Well I was all signed up for grad school and spent a week in
Bozeman gearing up to go in December of 2022.
I went to campus and should have had an inkling things were not going to
work out when I lost my car on campus and fell and smacked my hip on the ice. I wandered around asking students for
direction and then finally found my car with a $60 parking ticket on it! I had met with the director of the department
and a new program was in place to help me with navigating the process. I spent a week at a sober living before I
freaked and came running back to Billings and Saul. The sober living had been
quite overwhelming with all its rules and having every waking moment mapped
out. I really didn’t feel that it was a
conducive place to live with how much work I would need to be doing with my
masters, so I fled! My plan was to come
back before January 18th and still start school, but God had other
plans for me.
What might those other plans be? Well it was getting another felony
charge. I don’t remember exactly when I
started into psychosis, but on December 23rd I was with Saul getting
him a hair cut and we happened to be in Jake and I’s old neighborhood we lived
as children. I placed a porcelain doll
on my childhood doorstep that happened to be in my pocket. This doll was very important to my dollhouse
as I kept her safe from harm as a seven year old up in the attic. I miss that doll, but there I left it as I
proceeded towards Jake’s house. A block away from Jakes house there was a
running truck.
Without giving it a second thought I got in the truck and
took off. It was part of a heavenly scavenger hunt. It was in my path and
obvious that I should take it. In that realm there was zero consequence, and I
thought nothing about doing it was wrong. I went to Nancys Jakes mom’s house half
expecting to see my Jake. She told me to leave immediately and I went on headed
to our stomping grounds the Billings Clinic.
I turned a corner and the cops had found me, just blocks away from where
I took the running vehicle. I was deep
in psychosis where I believe everything is a game and I am famous and was just
laughing and singing as I lead the police on a chase.
They caught me with a spike strip gearing toward the
hospital. I was arrested and spent 6
days in jail over Christmas in a psychological nightmare. They released me on my own recognizance, I am
awaiting trial.
December 2023
It was supposed to be
a journey through my psychosis, but I have found little creative energy to
write. Well now that has changed. I spent a month in psychosis in
November. I was hospitalized and locked
up at the State Mental Hospital, Warm Springs.
It starts out with a sense that I am well known and famous
and then the entire planet was built around my someday existence. That everything under the sun since creation
calls me out as a Goddess. I laugh and
laugh at all the irony of my life. It
all leads to Jake in this sequence or patterns and I am ultimately a hero. These thoughts come swiftly and intrusively
and I am off to to the races in psychosis.
The churning thoughts that I am the last soul that gets everyone to
heaven.
So let me tell you what happened in June preceding the
psychosis in November. I had a trip and
ended up taking all my clothes off and directing traffic to the Billings Clinic
which represents a reincarnation center.
I was on a spiritual scavenger hunt downtown and the birds were talking
to me. I recall a voice in my head that
said “take off your clothes’
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