LOL. I think when God put my package together He must have really had a good laugh. I am like WTF? I really got to stop trying with these recovery groups...the latest was a native culture group...why did I think I would fit? Why? They said all were welcome? Other white people go there. I share how I do relate... maybe being a felon for texting is like the stupidest thing to ever admit to...but I am real. Too real! Why am I even surprised that my sharing comes across as holier than thou? I try to explain my struggle and it doesn't matter...I am a Stepford wife with no man, no money, living in public housing, a felon, disabled mentally, alcoholic and I am still not "on the level..." with other people who live those things. I know its the way I carry myself and that I am nice and not guarded...like nothing bad ever happened to my stupid ass? Maybe that's my character defect. I laughed with the leader of the group after and said I am thinking of winding up homeless on the streets to prove a point to the city. He said I wouldn't make it. Sure as shit prolly not. And I said "I am not really convincing anyone here that I understand them, huh?" Lol. Some more laughter...I should have said "Imagine how well I come across in jail!" Yeah its true I was not a hit at all!
I don't know how to make friends anymore. This "I have problems" shit can't be my only identity. And I have got my head so far up my own ass about how problematic my life is...that I am blinded to my blessings, unless I am psychotic! Right? I said I was a professional and when I came into the program I kissed that all goodbye for a man. I can't say I regret him, but when you look at the bigger picture my whole identity was raped from me for lack of a better way to put it. Fully exposed. Naked, no skin. And I did take my new identity on with great pain and I still have resentment over it. But there must be bigger things in store? There has got to be?
I guess what I am getting at is I don't really feel like "fit" anywhere. I'm no street person, but have all the right shit going down in my life to get there. I even shock other mentally ill people at the meetings for the mentally ill, lol. I am too educated and smart sounding for being DD. I make too much disability to get TANF (and sell crack on the side to actually survive.) The spiritual guru lady at Barjon's was quite distant and rude to me. I get turned down for starting a dual recovery group in an embarrassing group conscience meeting... I am not a badass felony stalker on probation that can identify with other systemized woman. I am not mentally ill all the time so I don't fit at a group home. And so the overwhelming sense that I must be an alien leans on me "alone" again tonight. Aliens Not Anonymous meetings coming soon. Join me if you feel misunderstood so much that you feel you might be the next coming of Christ...You're truly a nice person with a heart for all humanity yet you know that people do not see you that way and soon they will just have to execute you.
I AM IN A CRACK...a big ass crack where people die...that kind of crack. Yes I can go just about anywhere in town and fit...but I just don't fit the bill as having a disability. So maybe I should live like I don't? Should I go back to that hiding? Should I stop saying it? Claiming it. Making it my persona? I was thinking that I needed like disability protection for a job...and help even getting a job. But for one reason or another I am not a priority for that help. But I really don't think I should ever ever go into a job and try to act like I am not hearing shit and have to leave when I really do have to get the fuk out. Cause catatonic people are scary and I just need to go home and sleep.
AND I refuse to give up on my dreams and start Gold digging...just not gonna happen. Of the hundreds of dudes that were messaging me. I spoke with one. And I just "broke his heart." Well geez...not going into details but pretty sure his admiration for me was exactly what me falling in love with Adam looked like, and yep kind of scary coming from around the globe and maybe more about VISA anyhow. At least I freaking knew I had chemistry with Adam before I wrote him into a damn trilogy lol! Okay it is definently more of a ongoing mini series...psychosis happens.
I am just really busy here trying to find a comfortable place, where I trust God even though it doesn't make sense right now. Identity freakin crisis...and I do not blame me. Jake is not talking to me...I am all normal and shit. Nothing wrong with me today that I have to make a big fuss over. Pretty lucky...pretty unlucky at the same time. Getting pretty used to irony and kind of knowing it is real and a tangible asset to my life that "I don't fit." Because I am pretty freakin sure that the things God put me through mean something more than how I freakin feel about "a glare" or rejection in a moment. Who the fuk cares I am not a popular mermaid? I am still a freakin mermaid! And I think if I stepped outside of circles of social problems I might be more solid in who I am??? Also I am pretty damn sure that my miniseries will be the bomb and if I have to wait and watch it on the other side of this life? Well I saw that already too? So what was the question?
I don't know how to make friends anymore. This "I have problems" shit can't be my only identity. And I have got my head so far up my own ass about how problematic my life is...that I am blinded to my blessings, unless I am psychotic! Right? I said I was a professional and when I came into the program I kissed that all goodbye for a man. I can't say I regret him, but when you look at the bigger picture my whole identity was raped from me for lack of a better way to put it. Fully exposed. Naked, no skin. And I did take my new identity on with great pain and I still have resentment over it. But there must be bigger things in store? There has got to be?
I guess what I am getting at is I don't really feel like "fit" anywhere. I'm no street person, but have all the right shit going down in my life to get there. I even shock other mentally ill people at the meetings for the mentally ill, lol. I am too educated and smart sounding for being DD. I make too much disability to get TANF (and sell crack on the side to actually survive.) The spiritual guru lady at Barjon's was quite distant and rude to me. I get turned down for starting a dual recovery group in an embarrassing group conscience meeting... I am not a badass felony stalker on probation that can identify with other systemized woman. I am not mentally ill all the time so I don't fit at a group home. And so the overwhelming sense that I must be an alien leans on me "alone" again tonight. Aliens Not Anonymous meetings coming soon. Join me if you feel misunderstood so much that you feel you might be the next coming of Christ...You're truly a nice person with a heart for all humanity yet you know that people do not see you that way and soon they will just have to execute you.
I AM IN A CRACK...a big ass crack where people die...that kind of crack. Yes I can go just about anywhere in town and fit...but I just don't fit the bill as having a disability. So maybe I should live like I don't? Should I go back to that hiding? Should I stop saying it? Claiming it. Making it my persona? I was thinking that I needed like disability protection for a job...and help even getting a job. But for one reason or another I am not a priority for that help. But I really don't think I should ever ever go into a job and try to act like I am not hearing shit and have to leave when I really do have to get the fuk out. Cause catatonic people are scary and I just need to go home and sleep.
AND I refuse to give up on my dreams and start Gold digging...just not gonna happen. Of the hundreds of dudes that were messaging me. I spoke with one. And I just "broke his heart." Well geez...not going into details but pretty sure his admiration for me was exactly what me falling in love with Adam looked like, and yep kind of scary coming from around the globe and maybe more about VISA anyhow. At least I freaking knew I had chemistry with Adam before I wrote him into a damn trilogy lol! Okay it is definently more of a ongoing mini series...psychosis happens.
I am just really busy here trying to find a comfortable place, where I trust God even though it doesn't make sense right now. Identity freakin crisis...and I do not blame me. Jake is not talking to me...I am all normal and shit. Nothing wrong with me today that I have to make a big fuss over. Pretty lucky...pretty unlucky at the same time. Getting pretty used to irony and kind of knowing it is real and a tangible asset to my life that "I don't fit." Because I am pretty freakin sure that the things God put me through mean something more than how I freakin feel about "a glare" or rejection in a moment. Who the fuk cares I am not a popular mermaid? I am still a freakin mermaid! And I think if I stepped outside of circles of social problems I might be more solid in who I am??? Also I am pretty damn sure that my miniseries will be the bomb and if I have to wait and watch it on the other side of this life? Well I saw that already too? So what was the question?
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