In thinking about my life story, I thought about my divorce and how it almost killed me. For the most part everything in my marriage went well, I thought. But I guess I wasn't a grown up either. I had danced circles around my ex husband while I worked for the City of Billings on the Mayor's Committee on Homelessness. I facilitated meetings and planned a large event to impact homelessness in the area. I did this as a Volunteer in Service to America, or VISTA. And after I did that for two years everyone wanted to hire me...I was on top of the world.
While working at a homeless veterans shelter I became pregnant and then eventually manic. I ended up in psych and had a grand mal seizure five months pregnant. It was scary for everyone, but especially me. After I came out of it I wasn't allowed to drive for six months. I did not go back to work until the baby was three weeks old, and then I was so fat and miserable and wanted to be home with my children that job did not work out. A few months later I applied to a directorship to develop a non-profit to help establish women coming out of prison with re-entry services. I beat out like 30 other people for the job and went to an in-service for three days. Well they found out I was one class away from having my bachelors, and they let me go after three days. Philosophy was the only class I needed. I wonder if I would still be married if I had kept that job? You see I was a dollar sign to my ex husband. And after the psychosis and no job, he told me I was no woman.
We got into a fight and I moved in with a friend. I started partying heavily. It would go on that way for quite some time. Then after one bad night of tequilla my friend kicked me out. I found another place to live and went to meetings. I lasted a few months dry and that's when I met Adam for the first time. I did not think anything of him then, in fact because he lived in Alpha House and thats where my ex husband had lived when I met him I was turned off by him. We talked a couple times, but I didn't think anything of him, whatsoever. Weird eh? So I lasted about four months and then I was living with my parents and one night a friend of my moms came over with a bottle of wine. I said 'Oh mom, one glass won't hurt. And then offered to do the dishes while I finished other's glasses and the bottle. It was off to the races. That was 2012 and I drank pretty much every day and neglected my children. At night I would cry myself to sleep. I was suicidal for the first time in my life. If I wasn't good enough for a man with nine felonies, who would I be good enough for??? And he had held nothing back from what he thought about me.
I moved in with a friend in Billings and had just gotten a disability settlement of $15,000, I had applied when I had the grand mal seizure and they had denied me. So I went to Hudsons every day and drank and forgot about all the people that had loved me when I worked for the city. I was miserable until the day I met a comedian there. He made me laugh so much. And so the tears stopped and I went to comedy shows and drank and drank. I think I remember still being suicidal sometimes but the comedy took the edge off. That lasted until mid September 2012. One day I had been drinking where he worked and then left because it was my night for the kids. I picked them up and drove a few blocks to my house. My exes girlfriend suspected I was drunk and came to take my kids from me...I said fine because I wanted to go party some more. I went back to where the comedian worked but he didn't want to hang out with me and was very mean. So I went to Hudsons and met a stranger in the parking lot. It was a bad night. I blacked out.
The next day I really wanted to die. I had lost my little part time job and I laid in bed all day crying out to God to give me the strength to end my life. It was a day that would change me forever. My ex gave me a ride back to my car around five and he said "so this is your life now." And I was destroyed. I drank one more time and I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I put in my system. I went to a meeting on September 17th, 2012 and that was my sobriety date for almost four years.
They say that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I don't know how I stopped thinking it was a problem? But I did and I almost threw everything away. I am glad for my relapse now, because I learned from it and my sobriety was revived. It had been pretty stale, and now its alive.
I don't know how much of my story I am gonna be able to tell but I know this part is important...its the why of why I got sober.
While working at a homeless veterans shelter I became pregnant and then eventually manic. I ended up in psych and had a grand mal seizure five months pregnant. It was scary for everyone, but especially me. After I came out of it I wasn't allowed to drive for six months. I did not go back to work until the baby was three weeks old, and then I was so fat and miserable and wanted to be home with my children that job did not work out. A few months later I applied to a directorship to develop a non-profit to help establish women coming out of prison with re-entry services. I beat out like 30 other people for the job and went to an in-service for three days. Well they found out I was one class away from having my bachelors, and they let me go after three days. Philosophy was the only class I needed. I wonder if I would still be married if I had kept that job? You see I was a dollar sign to my ex husband. And after the psychosis and no job, he told me I was no woman.
We got into a fight and I moved in with a friend. I started partying heavily. It would go on that way for quite some time. Then after one bad night of tequilla my friend kicked me out. I found another place to live and went to meetings. I lasted a few months dry and that's when I met Adam for the first time. I did not think anything of him then, in fact because he lived in Alpha House and thats where my ex husband had lived when I met him I was turned off by him. We talked a couple times, but I didn't think anything of him, whatsoever. Weird eh? So I lasted about four months and then I was living with my parents and one night a friend of my moms came over with a bottle of wine. I said 'Oh mom, one glass won't hurt. And then offered to do the dishes while I finished other's glasses and the bottle. It was off to the races. That was 2012 and I drank pretty much every day and neglected my children. At night I would cry myself to sleep. I was suicidal for the first time in my life. If I wasn't good enough for a man with nine felonies, who would I be good enough for??? And he had held nothing back from what he thought about me.
I moved in with a friend in Billings and had just gotten a disability settlement of $15,000, I had applied when I had the grand mal seizure and they had denied me. So I went to Hudsons every day and drank and forgot about all the people that had loved me when I worked for the city. I was miserable until the day I met a comedian there. He made me laugh so much. And so the tears stopped and I went to comedy shows and drank and drank. I think I remember still being suicidal sometimes but the comedy took the edge off. That lasted until mid September 2012. One day I had been drinking where he worked and then left because it was my night for the kids. I picked them up and drove a few blocks to my house. My exes girlfriend suspected I was drunk and came to take my kids from me...I said fine because I wanted to go party some more. I went back to where the comedian worked but he didn't want to hang out with me and was very mean. So I went to Hudsons and met a stranger in the parking lot. It was a bad night. I blacked out.
The next day I really wanted to die. I had lost my little part time job and I laid in bed all day crying out to God to give me the strength to end my life. It was a day that would change me forever. My ex gave me a ride back to my car around five and he said "so this is your life now." And I was destroyed. I drank one more time and I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I put in my system. I went to a meeting on September 17th, 2012 and that was my sobriety date for almost four years.
They say that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I don't know how I stopped thinking it was a problem? But I did and I almost threw everything away. I am glad for my relapse now, because I learned from it and my sobriety was revived. It had been pretty stale, and now its alive.
I don't know how much of my story I am gonna be able to tell but I know this part is important...its the why of why I got sober.
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