The confusion sets in when I listen to others opinions of what I go through...it's a lot of pity and I am like "no my illness is awesome." The things I experience are out of this world amazing and how lucky I feel to chosen by God for just such a task. It's just how it is handled in modern day America that is ugly...not really me or the things my mind sees and gets to explore. And so I am really beginning to devalue peoples opinions on how my gift is "such a problem" and "such a nightmare." Outside of the boundaries of "money" and "status" the things that matter so much to my freaking split personality on the subject...I don't think I would change how God made me. I am a conundrum, because most days in Flatt I get so categorical on myself, that I press into a mold (of jello) and the outside input manifests my truth. And it gets so confusing, because sometimes I feel so much accord in it all. Other times I feel like it is me against the world. I think it is like a puzzle of me that I must figure out.
It's very strange to get slammed back down to Flatt. I need to stop telling people I am bipolar...cause it just confuses what they understand or think they understand about it. I've used the term "spiritual psychosis" and people are just really firm that they can only comprehend it being mental. Well I will tell you if my mentality could have fathomed who I would be five years ago I wouldn't be here...but somehow I am. It's horrifically difficult to be taken out of another dimension...feels like a gift and I want to pursue it and see what it's all about...because at this point to me it is more real than what other people perceive as real.
I don't think anyone can fathom the struggle I have been in with this and quite honestly if I wasn't dirt poor and worthless to this society I would have more options in this. It is so confusing! And I heard hell yesterday at the market and what do I do but take a med to put me to sleep! Maybe hell needs me? Maybe? No I've talked with souls there and it didn't scare me! And here in Flatt my expectations of myself are I need to "make money" and be "listened to" and I must be more educated to be respected. And the drive for these attributes pulls me in so many directions of desperation in the Flatt World, I get so many "irons in the fire," that I think the saying goes "frying pans...you know in the?" You know? Too many attempts that it becomes fukn futile?" Should just "bone out" and become a tv zombie chick?
I really feel that I am suppose to be doing something...I really feel it's important! But I am being pulled back into painful Flatt and I try in every direction to make something happen here and nothing ever does! So I ask if you were in my shoes and you believed that you were on a spiritual quest...would you block it still? ...after five years having little to no monitary value to your society, even medicated? As in whether you are happy or not you're still worthless to us as a people...sure heres a little "free money" we can give you shit for taking. But I have gone in every direction with this and it doesn't seem to matter what mode I am in I still hold little value.
And it all happens anyway on meds! I heard hell yesterday on meds and I just believe I am suppose to hear it for a reason. Like an extremely important reason. I think this is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and no I don't know how to make it at all. I don' know what to do? Too difficult decision to make!
I am at a loss. I am on meds. I think ya'alls realities are behind the times...I think I hear too many sirens. I think I am the spirit of a Black man...Mr. King! LOL. I am "piss poor." Now utilize my urine...did you know that people would sell their urine during the great depression? Spin it down? Yeah I tried to Google why? And it gives me tips on selling it to people to pass tests and make lots of money...now there's gonna be my true talent in life! I can just feel it in my bones! Or maybe sell my children on the Black Market? They are good looking boys that need braces is all!
Anyway if my word processor will type faster than my blogger I am staying home all day working on my book. Maybe working on that will help me with some direction. And maybe when I am no longer such a "super bad felony girl" we shall see how that opens doors? I am real curious to see if it changes anything for me and how well I "take that to town" and put it in my "pipe and smoke it!" Or if these kind of things never really go away whether its behind you or not? Either way I am all riled up for changing some obvious shit. "Classify" the End of the World Trump and where does money get you? Its more about education and survival skills and I am 19 days and counting down on going without. I think they should make a "societal survivor" show. I would not win because I freak and ask for help too much. Lost my wallet with my last $20 bucks...you know if you're not winning you're a loser type stuff lol! Yeah. My wallet is yellow with green fish on it...btw.
BTW Adam's a tinker lol. He does tinkering which is the ability to fix and work on many things...it said that was a good profession to have in economic downturn...such as the Great Depression! Tinkering!!! I never knew what a tinker was!
I'd like to "tinker" with him! Tehehee....And I have really got to come to an understanding that all my soul mates comprise my "Adam..." and as in the words of pure Nirvana "something in the way...mmmyeah!" Yes I am pretty sure about shape shifters...or soul shells...or "cross overs."
Have a good day!
It's very strange to get slammed back down to Flatt. I need to stop telling people I am bipolar...cause it just confuses what they understand or think they understand about it. I've used the term "spiritual psychosis" and people are just really firm that they can only comprehend it being mental. Well I will tell you if my mentality could have fathomed who I would be five years ago I wouldn't be here...but somehow I am. It's horrifically difficult to be taken out of another dimension...feels like a gift and I want to pursue it and see what it's all about...because at this point to me it is more real than what other people perceive as real.
I don't think anyone can fathom the struggle I have been in with this and quite honestly if I wasn't dirt poor and worthless to this society I would have more options in this. It is so confusing! And I heard hell yesterday at the market and what do I do but take a med to put me to sleep! Maybe hell needs me? Maybe? No I've talked with souls there and it didn't scare me! And here in Flatt my expectations of myself are I need to "make money" and be "listened to" and I must be more educated to be respected. And the drive for these attributes pulls me in so many directions of desperation in the Flatt World, I get so many "irons in the fire," that I think the saying goes "frying pans...you know in the?" You know? Too many attempts that it becomes fukn futile?" Should just "bone out" and become a tv zombie chick?
I really feel that I am suppose to be doing something...I really feel it's important! But I am being pulled back into painful Flatt and I try in every direction to make something happen here and nothing ever does! So I ask if you were in my shoes and you believed that you were on a spiritual quest...would you block it still? ...after five years having little to no monitary value to your society, even medicated? As in whether you are happy or not you're still worthless to us as a people...sure heres a little "free money" we can give you shit for taking. But I have gone in every direction with this and it doesn't seem to matter what mode I am in I still hold little value.
And it all happens anyway on meds! I heard hell yesterday on meds and I just believe I am suppose to hear it for a reason. Like an extremely important reason. I think this is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and no I don't know how to make it at all. I don' know what to do? Too difficult decision to make!
I am at a loss. I am on meds. I think ya'alls realities are behind the times...I think I hear too many sirens. I think I am the spirit of a Black man...Mr. King! LOL. I am "piss poor." Now utilize my urine...did you know that people would sell their urine during the great depression? Spin it down? Yeah I tried to Google why? And it gives me tips on selling it to people to pass tests and make lots of money...now there's gonna be my true talent in life! I can just feel it in my bones! Or maybe sell my children on the Black Market? They are good looking boys that need braces is all!
Anyway if my word processor will type faster than my blogger I am staying home all day working on my book. Maybe working on that will help me with some direction. And maybe when I am no longer such a "super bad felony girl" we shall see how that opens doors? I am real curious to see if it changes anything for me and how well I "take that to town" and put it in my "pipe and smoke it!" Or if these kind of things never really go away whether its behind you or not? Either way I am all riled up for changing some obvious shit. "Classify" the End of the World Trump and where does money get you? Its more about education and survival skills and I am 19 days and counting down on going without. I think they should make a "societal survivor" show. I would not win because I freak and ask for help too much. Lost my wallet with my last $20 bucks...you know if you're not winning you're a loser type stuff lol! Yeah. My wallet is yellow with green fish on it...btw.
BTW Adam's a tinker lol. He does tinkering which is the ability to fix and work on many things...it said that was a good profession to have in economic downturn...such as the Great Depression! Tinkering!!! I never knew what a tinker was!
I'd like to "tinker" with him! Tehehee....And I have really got to come to an understanding that all my soul mates comprise my "Adam..." and as in the words of pure Nirvana "something in the way...mmmyeah!" Yes I am pretty sure about shape shifters...or soul shells...or "cross overs."
Have a good day!
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