So the whole point of going off Abilify was to try to face my psychosis and go through it unmedicated because I am really feeling I am suppose to figure it out to get to the other side and be healed. It is definently a linear story to me. I am hoping that in my second book I can explain it linear for everyone else, lol. I havn't been working on it!??? I have this great obsession that I need to go away from Billings to be able to concentrate...the days go by so fast here and there is always some other thing distracting me. It is not as easy for me as blogging...because I feel a little ALOT of pressure to have it be good. So I guess what I am saying is blogging is kind of "meh" just me spouting off about my crazy life. I want my book to piece it all together. Cause I have no way of knowing who has read what but I am guessing if someone just read one blog of my psychosis they would WTF? me! Its all WTF, but there is no way for new readers to find the hook....ya I gots a hook like a Captain somewheres.
Oh yeah that paragraph straight derailed. On Day 6 no Abilify, I am experiencing some mild hallucinations and my vision is blurry. My pupils are pretty small. But if I look at something it moves like all wavy...not scary. Not even for me a girl that couldn't handle pot! The screen is breathing right now and I can see movement of shadows in my peripheal. Especially near my bedroom door. Dude I am not saying its all cool and stuff but God chose it for my life, and I have overcome so much fear about it that I am proud of myself. Some form of thought is if I stay on antipsychotic meds it blocks what needs to happen in my soul...and I will never get cured. If I go through there will be a completion of what my soul needed. Check out Bipolar Awakenings
What if I weren't on repeat and I could have some kind of wholeness about me and security in who I am? Meds mess with everything about me! ITs made me a confused chameleon for 20 years! Destroyed my body...and trust me first hand that fricken matters to people who are not secure in a marriage. I threw away my scale for good reason but I feel like I have lost about five pounds the first 6 days. I know that my metabolism is revving up because I hardly ate anything before and now I get hungry faster.
I know that my psychosis is seeming pretty complete,..but I thought that the first time I went to heaven in 2013, but there was more to the story. Hmm I just saw my bed get about two feet higher...sidenote. And a picture of me and boys is moving, like animating us. Yeah I think my brain creates acid. I've never put a tab in my mouth..never gonna need it either. Or it could be a spiritual possession. I am just like don't get scared...
For those of you who think people with mental illness are weak minded...thunk again. I get so sick of stigma separating me from people who choose to hallucinate as if I can choose to see shit? Maybe I should start hanging out with people who do acid and do a study trial lol or swap stories and see if my visions are cooler? I trip alone...could be a Johnny Cash song! I just don't understand why so many people who do drugs are not accepting of it happening to people naturally. I guess thats my ego talking and I dont like the judgement or classification...
The Abilify is still in my system, my lip is twitching I am gonna look like I've done alot of meth. I really think my face is an asset for me to blend into the world. You know make nice with the locals. Be a spokesperson and advocate. I hope everybody understands why I would rather try to heal my psychosis then continue with meds that dont work. I was psychotic for three months on meds...so why give them any glory? Although it was like the time of my life! I am just gonna try to work through it. I don't have any positive affirmation in my choice from any direction...but that comes from people that don't know the depths I am wiling to go to for a solution and not a fix. I am just done being a guinea pig.
Ok just watched the Run Video from Foo Fighters...so badass! If I dont get to see them in December I will freak....there must be a way! Night night!
RUN
Oh yeah that paragraph straight derailed. On Day 6 no Abilify, I am experiencing some mild hallucinations and my vision is blurry. My pupils are pretty small. But if I look at something it moves like all wavy...not scary. Not even for me a girl that couldn't handle pot! The screen is breathing right now and I can see movement of shadows in my peripheal. Especially near my bedroom door. Dude I am not saying its all cool and stuff but God chose it for my life, and I have overcome so much fear about it that I am proud of myself. Some form of thought is if I stay on antipsychotic meds it blocks what needs to happen in my soul...and I will never get cured. If I go through there will be a completion of what my soul needed. Check out Bipolar Awakenings
What if I weren't on repeat and I could have some kind of wholeness about me and security in who I am? Meds mess with everything about me! ITs made me a confused chameleon for 20 years! Destroyed my body...and trust me first hand that fricken matters to people who are not secure in a marriage. I threw away my scale for good reason but I feel like I have lost about five pounds the first 6 days. I know that my metabolism is revving up because I hardly ate anything before and now I get hungry faster.
I know that my psychosis is seeming pretty complete,..but I thought that the first time I went to heaven in 2013, but there was more to the story. Hmm I just saw my bed get about two feet higher...sidenote. And a picture of me and boys is moving, like animating us. Yeah I think my brain creates acid. I've never put a tab in my mouth..never gonna need it either. Or it could be a spiritual possession. I am just like don't get scared...
For those of you who think people with mental illness are weak minded...thunk again. I get so sick of stigma separating me from people who choose to hallucinate as if I can choose to see shit? Maybe I should start hanging out with people who do acid and do a study trial lol or swap stories and see if my visions are cooler? I trip alone...could be a Johnny Cash song! I just don't understand why so many people who do drugs are not accepting of it happening to people naturally. I guess thats my ego talking and I dont like the judgement or classification...
The Abilify is still in my system, my lip is twitching I am gonna look like I've done alot of meth. I really think my face is an asset for me to blend into the world. You know make nice with the locals. Be a spokesperson and advocate. I hope everybody understands why I would rather try to heal my psychosis then continue with meds that dont work. I was psychotic for three months on meds...so why give them any glory? Although it was like the time of my life! I am just gonna try to work through it. I don't have any positive affirmation in my choice from any direction...but that comes from people that don't know the depths I am wiling to go to for a solution and not a fix. I am just done being a guinea pig.
Ok just watched the Run Video from Foo Fighters...so badass! If I dont get to see them in December I will freak....there must be a way! Night night!
RUN
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