Minority Report

SheRah was whining..."SheRah don't cry..." But I was the one crying.  Just a little.  Just like one tear came out.  That's it.  Nothing more, nothing less...for being played for a stupid stupid trick.  "Bipolar Magazine?" I contacted them in April with an "I am healed" story about psychosis and love.  For months there has been correspondence back and forth with an Editor.  And it was always yes, we love your story...well now today after not hearing back if I "made the final cut."  My email was kicked back as invalid address...and I cannot find them on Google! WTF?

The irony that is my world?  Things not working out?  Everything I try to do to support myself is futile?  All my faith? All my freaking energy...all the weird freaky ass shit that happens to me?  And it is in my dual realities where I find comfort...because if I had to stay in this awful, shit, nasty disappointing world all the time...I wouldn't be here.  And there it is created for me anyway...real and tangible to me.  A place where disappointment gets flipped upside down and all the world is my Chocolate Factory...Cheer Up Miranda!  Because it seriously feels like a massive set up...and I can no longer distinguish the real from the false and I don't buy that my brain is so fukn chemically extravagant that is makes a whole other realm called the SPIRITUAL REALM?  OH DUOH!!!

And the left sided face paralysis caused by Abilify needs yet another med to rectify the situation...it has spread from my mouth to my jaw and up to my eyes and forehead. And just slightly now I can feel it on the right side on my forehead. I need another dopamine inhibitor???  One that happens to fix what Abilify does to people (permently I might add)  And I am already sleeping way too much of my life away lately, so more meds? I say I want to stay home and work on my book and I don't get to it. I am so off in a million different directions that I feel absolutely useless.  I much prefer how my mind works in hypomania because at least it clicks in a fashion that makes sense to me!...I much prefer whatever ya all want to think when I am in the spiritual realm, to this freaking frustration of medicated, dull, crabby, opinionated, whining, face drooping bitch I have become.

I am pretty damn freaking strong...but I am wore out and I try every opportunity, every thing I do or do not think I am capable of sick or well...I have tried everything to make my life work.  I cannot get paid to advocate,  I cannot get paid to be a peer mentor, I obviously cannot get paid to write.  I cannot be a good mother to my children because I can't even afford the gas to go get them. Awesome.

Six times in the hospital in three months...is that what you got for me Flatt? Twenty years of this shit and it never, ever changes? For some reason letting my face get deformed by Abilify sounds like a good way to take care of my kids.  Not me I couldn't handle it, I would be out. For some reason I don't want to go get that other bullshit med "I don't know how it works really." She says?  the fuk.  No I don't want to keep messing with my own natural dopamine with more dopamine meds because I can't tell my head from my own ass these days.

Is it time to put my money or lack there of where my mouth is? Just say no to meds? Just to say in an advance directive that I am requiring that you assist me in suicide which is totally legal in MT, rather than put up with the system and what happens to me in all this? Refuse the shot in the leg legally?  Refuse to be medicated and if you would choose to institutionalize me...I would prefer to die to your plane of existence... to go where I very well know who I am and have zero confusion, and my God given body that is not deformed and hated by me (because of meds). Is it so alarming to say, that I feel this world has failed me? That I would rather die than live through any more cop rides where I think I am going to meet Jake?  Do you know how disappointing that is? No you don't. Do you know how disappointing it is to donate dressers full of your stuff to the dumpster because you believe you are famous and wealthy beyond measure?  And come to and not have the money to replace the things?  Prolly not.

Would anyone think less of me if I chose that as an option?  Would my family think less of me?  No I don't think they would! Is that weak of me that I would choose death over the way our current systems are?  Is it presumptuous of me to think that my death could shed light...help in some way? My mom always said that a lot of writers don't get discovered until they are dead.  Maybe that is how I can give my kids the life they deserve.  Maybe then a lawyer would read what happened to me with the courts and my case could actually be heard for mental health reform?  Maybe words to me like "your illness is not that bad..." could be like campaign material.  Being told I had a case and then no one standing up with me? OUCH.

I know this is morbid...and I wish I could be more solid about saying such huge things.  I am not suicidal,  I am trying to think logically about if I want to go pick up yet another med right this very moment. Or just stop taking the Abilify which is causing the nerve damage.  I am also trying to be logical that 20 some episodes of psychosis in five years is real fukn hard on a person (all on meds), and I happen to fit a genre that either gets televised the shit out of, or completely ignored. So really I am programmed to think I need meds SO BAD. Would I have been in episodes five years solid without meds?  Would it have been harder or easier for me...because on meds it was super fukn hard for real!

God created me for a purpose.  I need to know it. I need to be courageous.  I have an advance directive form in my email inbox, I can legally take my next step in life. My face feels like it is falling off...and I can no longer ask, "what would you do?" I am an adult.  I have to make a decision.  And frankly I would rather be thin, with my face intact and "out there" than to please the system one more day.  And besides when the wars come and all of America is fighting over commodities...are taxes going to pay for my $700 a month meds?  I say touche'!!!

Off to work on directive.

Comments