You know when you're growing up...you want to be "something?" Well I am a grown up lost in "DelusionVille" that I can be like 50 things all at once, lol! Maybe a list...of the Mad Hatter and how all these great ideas do not put gas in the tank!
Advocate for the mentally whilst "mentally ill"
Doctorate level sociologist (this year)
Doctorate level non-med prescribing psychologist (last year)
A business owner/trainer/manager/designer
Belly Dancer and Hip Hop Dancer!
"Go off meds" Mind Freedom advocate
"Assisted suicide" and Martyr for the ill and anti-med campaign
A famous novelist/memoir writer
A model for my upper half ( he told me I was good at it dammit)
A psychotic icon??
Eve from the bible...
The "Good Medusa" in training
Spiritual Goddess of the witchy type, but no not a wiccan...
a MOM?
An activist for felony expungement rights
An activist for mental health reform
A stalker...
A poet
a freelancer
AND a laughing hyena...
and a spokeswoman afraid to speak to groups bigger than about 9 - 10 people give or take lol.
Ok whatever. I am so lost. I must freakin admit! Brain on FIRE! Ima hustler baby! Trying to sell me on something! Tryin make a dolla bill and be "something" besides considered worthless to society. Does anyone anywhere in this freakin world agree with me that I should be able to make some money doing one of the afore mentioned concepts? Why is the system sucking me into a bottomless pit? The irony of my efforts is lost on me...and why I don't just sit back and admit to being a worthless piece of garbage like I am labeled for needing help? GRRRRRRrr... I have just been so angry lately! I am mad at the world it seems...and I don't know if it is ever gonna make even the tiniest splash in the pool...but rather than dipping my toe in I cannon ball it and hope for the attention. I hope its not, "negative" and "just real," even if it is "negative."
Just got off the phone with a friend from the Peer Network...and we discussed a living will and I also asked "What do rich people do?" They certainly wouldn't like the germs in the psych center like I did. They wouldn't all up and make snow angels on the floor and give the "Spirit of Germs Army" Orange juice lol! So the get tranquilizers administered by your loved ones? And Respite homes and spas and luxury! WTF??? No wonder money making systems never have to change! GRRRRRRRRrrrr! He is sending me info on going off meds and living wills. WOW...a choice in my matters? I can have my mom give me a shot if the time ever became necessary. We've all escaped the jails and institutions so there is really no need for me to go back.
I rolled out of bed at ten today and still didn't want to move. She called a few times...that little 19 year old that thinks she's gonna live with me..well um maybe in a Utopic ConCord kind of place, but I am dealing with the harsh reality that there is not enough of anything to go around to the poor. I've tried a few places. My rent overdrafted my account and I am sitting on nothing again. The girl calls me from the Treatment Center crying..."I can't be here for 30 days" ETC. "Just breath." "Give it a couple days...you've been there two hours!" "Why can't I live with you?" Um cause financially I am about to try group homing it...like at a mental place." BOOO HOOOO HOOO nooooooo! "I had to just say I love you, hang in there..." and hang up!!! Pretty painful all around...
So I call the MHC and asked about their group homes. I am sorry but its $120 a day to live in a group home...hmmm would I have any money for myself or kids? Um no. But you would have help with hygeine and learn how to cook! I do need to learn how to "Rachel Ray" but I am guessing that's not the level. And crafts...and counseling on site. Geez my support system may appreciate that. Distributed medications. Organized activities. UM? I would hate it...I would not thrive and I think I would rather go to Seattle and take my chances there unknown and be as who I am, than live in a group home in my hometown.
So yeah. Advice from Montana Peer Network is to slow down on "presenting" and tweak my full concept of my business. I am thinking to make it more inclusive and attach the idea of expungment and a monitoring program. He also said to work on the second book the living will and really decide what I want. Thats hard because as you know I get torn between worlds! He didn't say anything about a job...but no one is paying me to analyze our systems and how my disability is "too much" for a month is beyond me.
I am so tired. Its weird. Its hard not to mistake it for being down. And I don't think I am down..I think I am just at a loss with whats next for me...and I think that is understandable. And I forgive myself for being in confusion. And I forgive the world around me that does not "qualify" me or "value" me monetarily. And I believe in myself and know that I matter...and now I am gonna try this thing other people call "chillin." lol
I'MA "simmer down."
Advocate for the mentally whilst "mentally ill"
Doctorate level sociologist (this year)
Doctorate level non-med prescribing psychologist (last year)
A business owner/trainer/manager/designer
Belly Dancer and Hip Hop Dancer!
"Go off meds" Mind Freedom advocate
"Assisted suicide" and Martyr for the ill and anti-med campaign
A famous novelist/memoir writer
A model for my upper half ( he told me I was good at it dammit)
A psychotic icon??
Eve from the bible...
The "Good Medusa" in training
Spiritual Goddess of the witchy type, but no not a wiccan...
a MOM?
An activist for felony expungement rights
An activist for mental health reform
A stalker...
A poet
a freelancer
AND a laughing hyena...
and a spokeswoman afraid to speak to groups bigger than about 9 - 10 people give or take lol.
Ok whatever. I am so lost. I must freakin admit! Brain on FIRE! Ima hustler baby! Trying to sell me on something! Tryin make a dolla bill and be "something" besides considered worthless to society. Does anyone anywhere in this freakin world agree with me that I should be able to make some money doing one of the afore mentioned concepts? Why is the system sucking me into a bottomless pit? The irony of my efforts is lost on me...and why I don't just sit back and admit to being a worthless piece of garbage like I am labeled for needing help? GRRRRRRrr... I have just been so angry lately! I am mad at the world it seems...and I don't know if it is ever gonna make even the tiniest splash in the pool...but rather than dipping my toe in I cannon ball it and hope for the attention. I hope its not, "negative" and "just real," even if it is "negative."
Just got off the phone with a friend from the Peer Network...and we discussed a living will and I also asked "What do rich people do?" They certainly wouldn't like the germs in the psych center like I did. They wouldn't all up and make snow angels on the floor and give the "Spirit of Germs Army" Orange juice lol! So the get tranquilizers administered by your loved ones? And Respite homes and spas and luxury! WTF??? No wonder money making systems never have to change! GRRRRRRRRrrrr! He is sending me info on going off meds and living wills. WOW...a choice in my matters? I can have my mom give me a shot if the time ever became necessary. We've all escaped the jails and institutions so there is really no need for me to go back.
I rolled out of bed at ten today and still didn't want to move. She called a few times...that little 19 year old that thinks she's gonna live with me..well um maybe in a Utopic ConCord kind of place, but I am dealing with the harsh reality that there is not enough of anything to go around to the poor. I've tried a few places. My rent overdrafted my account and I am sitting on nothing again. The girl calls me from the Treatment Center crying..."I can't be here for 30 days" ETC. "Just breath." "Give it a couple days...you've been there two hours!" "Why can't I live with you?" Um cause financially I am about to try group homing it...like at a mental place." BOOO HOOOO HOOO nooooooo! "I had to just say I love you, hang in there..." and hang up!!! Pretty painful all around...
So I call the MHC and asked about their group homes. I am sorry but its $120 a day to live in a group home...hmmm would I have any money for myself or kids? Um no. But you would have help with hygeine and learn how to cook! I do need to learn how to "Rachel Ray" but I am guessing that's not the level. And crafts...and counseling on site. Geez my support system may appreciate that. Distributed medications. Organized activities. UM? I would hate it...I would not thrive and I think I would rather go to Seattle and take my chances there unknown and be as who I am, than live in a group home in my hometown.
So yeah. Advice from Montana Peer Network is to slow down on "presenting" and tweak my full concept of my business. I am thinking to make it more inclusive and attach the idea of expungment and a monitoring program. He also said to work on the second book the living will and really decide what I want. Thats hard because as you know I get torn between worlds! He didn't say anything about a job...but no one is paying me to analyze our systems and how my disability is "too much" for a month is beyond me.
I am so tired. Its weird. Its hard not to mistake it for being down. And I don't think I am down..I think I am just at a loss with whats next for me...and I think that is understandable. And I forgive myself for being in confusion. And I forgive the world around me that does not "qualify" me or "value" me monetarily. And I believe in myself and know that I matter...and now I am gonna try this thing other people call "chillin." lol
I'MA "simmer down."
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