Potential is a word I hate. "You have so much potential." "Don't waste your potential." Always so much "potential." Like I never quite get there no matter how many achievements I have! I am a overachieving perfectionist with a more than dramatic mental illness, and term potential now is muddled up with inadequacy...because I am never gonna rate up there in any sort of standard way. My business degree? Who cares! Ultrasound? Worked for the City? Doesn't matter...what matters is NOW. What am I doing now to harness that fukn potential and really utilize the gifts God gave me and stop freaking out about being different? Different is A OK...and certainly gives me something to write about. I know I always drank to be normal and blend in. I get all lost in the "how much different?' and my mothers say I am just like millions of other people with bipolar...are you sure mom? Are you really sure? So why don't those people want to tell the world about the snakes in their hair? Why aren't these people so certain of the spiritual realm, and freaking out about soul mates? If this kind of shit is going on in daily lives...I want to know! Its really interesting...and it happens to me!
So have you met your quota on crazy today? Lol I am thinking I want to have a "Who's Got the Market on Crazy Contest!" Pretty sure there are lots of crazy people in the world that could join me and we could make a reality series...lock us in a house together! Let us swap our stories on air..."I'll put up my snakes in my hair mating with plants while I watched them grow and produce DNA sequences while buck ass naked in a pretty populated area" "What you bringing to the table?" "I will up that ante and bet you my I'm a pirate shaking a golden money tree hollering to a ship that wasn't there...or was it? I think it was there!!! "We're rich!" YAY! Seriously hilarious and fun life I have! And I think the show would help people "get it" and laugh and not be so scared. A lot of mental illness is portrayed as dark in the media and mine is just super freaking happy! Oh there goes Miranda she must be famous again today...giving all her SSDI away to the poor folk! Shits off the hook seriously! At least I have to laugh, or I would die...so I laugh!!!
And then there is the boring bland world...where I do laundry and sweep floors and just get lonely. My connection is gone. So when you are important in one realm and then you get dropped back to planet earth where you are just "sick.." hopefully it isn't just for a miserable tormented exsistence. Like just getting called from the Home Center and in the spring I was gonna buy a house and I had to tell her about my episode ruining my credit. Do you need budgeting classes? "No I believed I was famous and fabulously wealthy in heaven and nothing is gonna keep me from giving my riches to the less fortunate when I believe like that!" And I was buying presents for everyone I know that matters to me! And I know its relevant to my future in some way...and then no I won't have to buy a Section 8 Assisted house. Ok hunny I will just put you on the wait list, so I don't call you anymore...work on that credit! Lol...that credit took me ten years to build and two months to destroy. Fuk the credit system...I am over it!
And just now a gal looking to get sober called me! Yay! I picked up four sponsees right before my episodes, I was just doing so good and so on fire for sobriety. I don't think I should sponsor unless the person has mental illness...and then that reminds me I am still a certified peer mentor. I don't know what happened to my sponsees...havn't seen one of them. I met with the gal that called me off the list. I was very proud of how well I can describe the principles of the program. She was bipolar too. I ask her what happens in her psychosis. She just said she gets confused. Humph...I like mine better.
And I still have that business plan...and can I fukn stay out of the spiritual realm long enough to do something like that? Its all up in the air. My potential that my ex never saw...Dragon couldn't fathom...because Flatt sees me as "sick." Well I think God decides who I am, and my potential and its not in a neat little pretty package...its in a fuked-up-psychotic-rainbow-unicorns do really exist package! Cha ching! Yes I am actually a fabulous package and I want to win a "Crazy Contest" and then sit down for psychological examination and just be my normal self. Yup I am pretty average today...nothing unusual here sir. Just pretty much like most girls. Do I get a certificate for that???
So have you met your quota on crazy today? Lol I am thinking I want to have a "Who's Got the Market on Crazy Contest!" Pretty sure there are lots of crazy people in the world that could join me and we could make a reality series...lock us in a house together! Let us swap our stories on air..."I'll put up my snakes in my hair mating with plants while I watched them grow and produce DNA sequences while buck ass naked in a pretty populated area" "What you bringing to the table?" "I will up that ante and bet you my I'm a pirate shaking a golden money tree hollering to a ship that wasn't there...or was it? I think it was there!!! "We're rich!" YAY! Seriously hilarious and fun life I have! And I think the show would help people "get it" and laugh and not be so scared. A lot of mental illness is portrayed as dark in the media and mine is just super freaking happy! Oh there goes Miranda she must be famous again today...giving all her SSDI away to the poor folk! Shits off the hook seriously! At least I have to laugh, or I would die...so I laugh!!!
And then there is the boring bland world...where I do laundry and sweep floors and just get lonely. My connection is gone. So when you are important in one realm and then you get dropped back to planet earth where you are just "sick.." hopefully it isn't just for a miserable tormented exsistence. Like just getting called from the Home Center and in the spring I was gonna buy a house and I had to tell her about my episode ruining my credit. Do you need budgeting classes? "No I believed I was famous and fabulously wealthy in heaven and nothing is gonna keep me from giving my riches to the less fortunate when I believe like that!" And I was buying presents for everyone I know that matters to me! And I know its relevant to my future in some way...and then no I won't have to buy a Section 8 Assisted house. Ok hunny I will just put you on the wait list, so I don't call you anymore...work on that credit! Lol...that credit took me ten years to build and two months to destroy. Fuk the credit system...I am over it!
And just now a gal looking to get sober called me! Yay! I picked up four sponsees right before my episodes, I was just doing so good and so on fire for sobriety. I don't think I should sponsor unless the person has mental illness...and then that reminds me I am still a certified peer mentor. I don't know what happened to my sponsees...havn't seen one of them. I met with the gal that called me off the list. I was very proud of how well I can describe the principles of the program. She was bipolar too. I ask her what happens in her psychosis. She just said she gets confused. Humph...I like mine better.
And I still have that business plan...and can I fukn stay out of the spiritual realm long enough to do something like that? Its all up in the air. My potential that my ex never saw...Dragon couldn't fathom...because Flatt sees me as "sick." Well I think God decides who I am, and my potential and its not in a neat little pretty package...its in a fuked-up-psychotic-rainbow-unicorns do really exist package! Cha ching! Yes I am actually a fabulous package and I want to win a "Crazy Contest" and then sit down for psychological examination and just be my normal self. Yup I am pretty average today...nothing unusual here sir. Just pretty much like most girls. Do I get a certificate for that???
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