Well so when I was a little girl my mom cleaned houses. I would swim in peoples pools and look at their big pretty houses and I made a vow to myself that I was gonna be the one with the pool and I was never gonna have to clean other peoples houses! LOL! Well guess I done been told. I've cleaned a lot of people's houses in the past few years and frankly I naturally suck at it and hate it! And resent it. But I do put my hands in other people's shitters and love that right? Good, make me swallow that pride over and over for falling in love with a man! AARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
After diagnostic ultrasound school and six years in radiology I decided ultrasound wasn't for me. DUMB to get out of that! Taking shit for granted I WAS! So then I worked for the city and did business school. All the while NOT having much problem with mental illness. AND THEN? I really need a fourth step on this shit!
I am having a hard time accepting my $70,000 education is just fukn worthless to me??? Between my crazy and my felony I am worthless to this society. And I need something now! Billings Clinic was like telling me they had people more qualified than me to be a secretary in radiology? That is entry level!!! I know all the language and know how a department operates. Why didn't they just say they won't hire a felon? Why did they have to put that "not qualified" in my head??? Gosh this is making me cry...I sat in classes for years!!! Tried so fukn hard to get ahead. Is this discrimination?
It would all be different if I like had a choice about psychosis...like I did drugs to get there? Ya know? But it was never something I chose. I didn't "choose" to flip out and scare Adam. I guess I do choose to continue to love him...well I don't know if it is a choice anymore. Maybe a choice to give him "ink" on the daily. But I would love him whether I wrote about it or not. But the thing of it is my career wouldn't have been destroyed had I not loved him. Had he not opened up the can of "rape worms" in my head. You know the kind that laid there dormant until I got his specific kind of affection. But that's all healed now...so there is a price for everything right? Damn him for sure, because at the end of the day he helped make it all ok. Damn his hugging skills!ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH see? I cannot make a dime but at least I am better off in my recovery! Oh worship this ever lovin idiot! Dude.
Well maybe there will be a rise above. People keep saying that my writing could take off. And a lot of people like my business plan. No one makes this easy for me though. No one is saying your business plan is awesome and let me fund it, haha! Right. And I was told it could take up to three years to get a settlement from the city...although I still want to do it to prove a point. Still looking for a lawyer, my episode kind of derailed me...just a little!
If anyone needs their toilet cleaned let me know. I do that now...without hesitation. I guess I do a fare job and at least try...but cleaning in detail doesn't come easy to me.
I remember my aunt telling me when you make a vow to God, like "I will never be poor like my parents." It is like throwing a ball as hard as you can away from you and it hits a wall, and it comes back and hit you square in the face.
I will never make anymore vows to God about what I will or will not do in my life!!!
And mental illness is not a choice! Remember that! I don't choose to be insane or not!
After diagnostic ultrasound school and six years in radiology I decided ultrasound wasn't for me. DUMB to get out of that! Taking shit for granted I WAS! So then I worked for the city and did business school. All the while NOT having much problem with mental illness. AND THEN? I really need a fourth step on this shit!
I am having a hard time accepting my $70,000 education is just fukn worthless to me??? Between my crazy and my felony I am worthless to this society. And I need something now! Billings Clinic was like telling me they had people more qualified than me to be a secretary in radiology? That is entry level!!! I know all the language and know how a department operates. Why didn't they just say they won't hire a felon? Why did they have to put that "not qualified" in my head??? Gosh this is making me cry...I sat in classes for years!!! Tried so fukn hard to get ahead. Is this discrimination?
It would all be different if I like had a choice about psychosis...like I did drugs to get there? Ya know? But it was never something I chose. I didn't "choose" to flip out and scare Adam. I guess I do choose to continue to love him...well I don't know if it is a choice anymore. Maybe a choice to give him "ink" on the daily. But I would love him whether I wrote about it or not. But the thing of it is my career wouldn't have been destroyed had I not loved him. Had he not opened up the can of "rape worms" in my head. You know the kind that laid there dormant until I got his specific kind of affection. But that's all healed now...so there is a price for everything right? Damn him for sure, because at the end of the day he helped make it all ok. Damn his hugging skills!ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH see? I cannot make a dime but at least I am better off in my recovery! Oh worship this ever lovin idiot! Dude.
Well maybe there will be a rise above. People keep saying that my writing could take off. And a lot of people like my business plan. No one makes this easy for me though. No one is saying your business plan is awesome and let me fund it, haha! Right. And I was told it could take up to three years to get a settlement from the city...although I still want to do it to prove a point. Still looking for a lawyer, my episode kind of derailed me...just a little!
If anyone needs their toilet cleaned let me know. I do that now...without hesitation. I guess I do a fare job and at least try...but cleaning in detail doesn't come easy to me.
I remember my aunt telling me when you make a vow to God, like "I will never be poor like my parents." It is like throwing a ball as hard as you can away from you and it hits a wall, and it comes back and hit you square in the face.
I will never make anymore vows to God about what I will or will not do in my life!!!
And mental illness is not a choice! Remember that! I don't choose to be insane or not!
Comments