Why yes I am my own favorite topic. I've decided I am Enamored with my crazy. This has developed over time and I think because I no longer fear the experience. That's trouble. I'm like ok God you gonna make me weird as fuk at least let's have some fun and intrigue while doing it. I can't imagine any better attitude or take on what the hell ever happens to me as I have.
Someone jokingly said to me at a meeting of I ever thought of killing myself. The last time I thought of that was in 2012 right before I met the Pandora's box opener. And shits gotten a million times crazier since and I just don't go there. I'm a lot stronger I guess. Sober. Working on it right? I really thought a bottle of wine sounded good tonight...take the edge off...you know cause I been comparing myself to the type of addict that would steal a laptop from a friend and recognize I was never addicted to alcohol that way. Just some misshapen blackouts...you know that kind of problem drinker. Anyway I won't because I am a commotion enough without the shit and I need to take some vengeance on those blackouts anyway. It would be too hurtful to my support system and real shitty of me to play it off casual.
I'm being casual about the state hospital too. Although I asked to be sent there to check it out for research and the real damage happened right at Billings Clinic. My ex if finally taking heed because the state hospital is so much a bigger deal than my millions times to the psych ward here. We got in an argument about what I can handle and he always used to be like dropping the kids with me the next day for years. I guess he had a talk with the boys about taking it easy on me for awhile and so there were tears after our day of shopping and haircuts because they wanted to spend the night with me and the only thing wrong with me in the moment is I am drained from all the theft in my life lately and shit I threw in the dumpster and I have a miner headache...oh and I have shaking hands and I don't know why...but anyhow I can parent in this state regardless. They are safe we are chillin waiting on some PapaMurphys.
The Enamored thing is weird. But I guess if if I am doing this life and writing about it and it happens no matter what I do to prevent it or what plans and goals I make and since I can't afford vacations...trips out of reality are the in thing right? My brain is a freaking explosion and I don't understand the wiring and doctors have bullshit answers everywhere I go...I will just do the best I can with the hand I have been dealt. At least I was told I was the most interesting woman in the world by Nick...bless his ever loving heart that little shit. I don't know how I would react if I saw him laptops are fukn expensive now! Mine was $400 and now they are like over a $1000.
A dude pissed me of saying my my personality before my breaks made him pissy. Well yeah um we had a five minute conversation about you apologizing to me because I asked for a ride to a meeting and he acted like I wanted to try and parent his daughter and how could he have me around his child? I'm like dude I asked you for a ride not holy matrimony. I found it diatasteful that he acts like he is all up in my world and even has the slightest inkling what I go through. I am totally pleasant in my light and love whatever I am thinking I'm still pleasant and Nick who hung out at my house for two days before the last episode didn't sense anything wrong.. Sorry overzealous dude that wants to make a big deal out of my scene! I barely know you and we don't hang so sorry if my sparkle made you pissy! And you have no clue what I go through so your opinion is a flat C note.
I guess I am so used to judgement anymore that I am just like whatever...should I die? Should I just crawl down in a hole and never be seen in public? It was even suggested to me to not attend my twenty year reunion because it might be too much for me after I told her I was in the hospital...too much for me? Don't think you know my balls, say hello to both of them. Dealing with high school people would be a cake walk compared to what I go through. I just do not get scared of people or what they think anymore.
People don't understand and I don't expect them too anymore.
Someone jokingly said to me at a meeting of I ever thought of killing myself. The last time I thought of that was in 2012 right before I met the Pandora's box opener. And shits gotten a million times crazier since and I just don't go there. I'm a lot stronger I guess. Sober. Working on it right? I really thought a bottle of wine sounded good tonight...take the edge off...you know cause I been comparing myself to the type of addict that would steal a laptop from a friend and recognize I was never addicted to alcohol that way. Just some misshapen blackouts...you know that kind of problem drinker. Anyway I won't because I am a commotion enough without the shit and I need to take some vengeance on those blackouts anyway. It would be too hurtful to my support system and real shitty of me to play it off casual.
I'm being casual about the state hospital too. Although I asked to be sent there to check it out for research and the real damage happened right at Billings Clinic. My ex if finally taking heed because the state hospital is so much a bigger deal than my millions times to the psych ward here. We got in an argument about what I can handle and he always used to be like dropping the kids with me the next day for years. I guess he had a talk with the boys about taking it easy on me for awhile and so there were tears after our day of shopping and haircuts because they wanted to spend the night with me and the only thing wrong with me in the moment is I am drained from all the theft in my life lately and shit I threw in the dumpster and I have a miner headache...oh and I have shaking hands and I don't know why...but anyhow I can parent in this state regardless. They are safe we are chillin waiting on some PapaMurphys.
The Enamored thing is weird. But I guess if if I am doing this life and writing about it and it happens no matter what I do to prevent it or what plans and goals I make and since I can't afford vacations...trips out of reality are the in thing right? My brain is a freaking explosion and I don't understand the wiring and doctors have bullshit answers everywhere I go...I will just do the best I can with the hand I have been dealt. At least I was told I was the most interesting woman in the world by Nick...bless his ever loving heart that little shit. I don't know how I would react if I saw him laptops are fukn expensive now! Mine was $400 and now they are like over a $1000.
A dude pissed me of saying my my personality before my breaks made him pissy. Well yeah um we had a five minute conversation about you apologizing to me because I asked for a ride to a meeting and he acted like I wanted to try and parent his daughter and how could he have me around his child? I'm like dude I asked you for a ride not holy matrimony. I found it diatasteful that he acts like he is all up in my world and even has the slightest inkling what I go through. I am totally pleasant in my light and love whatever I am thinking I'm still pleasant and Nick who hung out at my house for two days before the last episode didn't sense anything wrong.. Sorry overzealous dude that wants to make a big deal out of my scene! I barely know you and we don't hang so sorry if my sparkle made you pissy! And you have no clue what I go through so your opinion is a flat C note.
I guess I am so used to judgement anymore that I am just like whatever...should I die? Should I just crawl down in a hole and never be seen in public? It was even suggested to me to not attend my twenty year reunion because it might be too much for me after I told her I was in the hospital...too much for me? Don't think you know my balls, say hello to both of them. Dealing with high school people would be a cake walk compared to what I go through. I just do not get scared of people or what they think anymore.
People don't understand and I don't expect them too anymore.
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