Doesn't happen often anymore...It's just an emotion it's not like clinical depression. Just a little down and I prefer not to feel this way...It was always a feeling that would get me drunk. Turn that frown upside down and laugh, laugh, laugh.
I just think of my big scary world I've made. And wouldn't normal be my white picket fence a little house and my two kids and maybe a dude? I say maybe because I think I'm just supposed to be alone. One of "those" women. I'm fairly dynamic to say the least...And I don't even give guys a chance. I'm a bitch and that is new to me. Is this a phase of development? Just something I am going through? It's freaking me out in a way that if God wants me to be alone I would be ok with that. I've slept alone for six years except for that short time I lived with Dragon. He didn't let me sleep over for the last year of our relationship or whatever it was we were doing for year.
It's so hard because I know God created someone for me and I know it's real and true...But it's not happening. And I am trying so hard to let go, and years go by and I write my brains out and it doesn't change the facts of what's happened.
I guess that's why we use the serenity prayer. The courage to change the things we can. This is really really hard. Sometimes I think my psychosis is a gift from God and that I have seen things not everybody gets to see...But other times I just want a God damned picket fence!!!
Well I managed to shed some tears with this post. Good for me because I don't cry often. I sometimes said I didn't have any tears left after how hard my life has been.
That's why I believe God is gonna bless the shit out of me someday. Maybe I don't need retribution on the treatment court? Maybe God will handle all that and none of it will matter. I know they had good intentions...But the judge should have never scolded me and said my "illness wasn't that bad!" That seriously chapped my hide!!!
I don't know I feel like my soul waited my whole life to meet Adam...And all this came out of me for a reason and it's not just cause I am crazy! I don't like the term "witch" cause it denotes evil...But burn me at the stake already!
What a fricken burden God. Why???
I just think of my big scary world I've made. And wouldn't normal be my white picket fence a little house and my two kids and maybe a dude? I say maybe because I think I'm just supposed to be alone. One of "those" women. I'm fairly dynamic to say the least...And I don't even give guys a chance. I'm a bitch and that is new to me. Is this a phase of development? Just something I am going through? It's freaking me out in a way that if God wants me to be alone I would be ok with that. I've slept alone for six years except for that short time I lived with Dragon. He didn't let me sleep over for the last year of our relationship or whatever it was we were doing for year.
It's so hard because I know God created someone for me and I know it's real and true...But it's not happening. And I am trying so hard to let go, and years go by and I write my brains out and it doesn't change the facts of what's happened.
I guess that's why we use the serenity prayer. The courage to change the things we can. This is really really hard. Sometimes I think my psychosis is a gift from God and that I have seen things not everybody gets to see...But other times I just want a God damned picket fence!!!
Well I managed to shed some tears with this post. Good for me because I don't cry often. I sometimes said I didn't have any tears left after how hard my life has been.
That's why I believe God is gonna bless the shit out of me someday. Maybe I don't need retribution on the treatment court? Maybe God will handle all that and none of it will matter. I know they had good intentions...But the judge should have never scolded me and said my "illness wasn't that bad!" That seriously chapped my hide!!!
I don't know I feel like my soul waited my whole life to meet Adam...And all this came out of me for a reason and it's not just cause I am crazy! I don't like the term "witch" cause it denotes evil...But burn me at the stake already!
What a fricken burden God. Why???
Comments