Misty Water Colored Memoir

I was just thinking today of why I started writing four years ago...It wasn't part of my life before and now it is such a huge part. On my five month sobriety birthday in 2012 I made a list of the attributes I had at 15, before I started drinking.  Somehow someway I wanted to reunify with that person and I had a desire to find this attributes in me again.  I prayed to God to take me back to that time when I was Innocent. My fifteen list.

Adam and I had been together for the month of December 2012...I had three months sober and that's not recommended. I liked him but I wasn't that invested and I broke it off with him in a letter I wrote and put with his Christmas present. I wanted to work on myself...Later in February I was reading a book about spiritual virginity. It was about how God can restore that in people who believe and trust. I prayed for that with my whole heart, that God would give me back what was taken from me at fifteen when I was raped. I prayed for God to make me whole as a woman and bring someone to me that would treat me right physically.

Two days later I called Adam. He came back to me and it was a wonderful two weeks. He did treat me right and was gentle with me and everything felt just right...But I didn't realize the impact of that until it was over. I had been selling my pills to friends for a couple of months and Adam could not have that in his life.  He broke up with me and never looked back...But in the mean time?

I stopped selling my pills the very next day...I never looked back either. I wanted God to bless my sobriety and I knew he wouldn't if I was doing that. I was meloncholy for an entire month. One day I was walking on the rims and I assessed that I was in love with Adam but I didn't quite know why? At this point he had told me to stop texting him...He had said "take five months and see if your life gets better." My friend told me to write a letter with the things I needed to tell him. So on my six month birthday I did just that. It was a way to get it out of me and not text him.

I had a junior high crush! At least that is the closest memory of how I felt about Adam. I was so excited. I ended up writing  to him everyday for five months. It was literally like he had taken my virginity...That God really had given me the feelings I should have had the first time. It was some kind of miracle to be that excited and in love with Adam. I would see him at meetings and just be mesmorized.

Well we know from the title of my book that this did not go to well for me.  After five months of writing and two visits to his house...And some unwanted texts I was picked up for stalking.  Unfortunately also part of my book is that I had a bipolar psychosis in which I believed Adam was my soul mate and I was in heaven. I had been seeing a therapist looking for help getting over Adam and she gave me a handout on soul mates the day after the restraining order. That bitch is also the one who met with Adam and told him I could get violent..She had known me for two months. Yes maybe some people get violent when they hallucinate, but I never have???

But alas for whatever reason today I am still writing. I love it. I am published and plan to publish more!  I need to get my blog in hard copy in case the website fails. I have three years of life on here.

I wish my book would start selling. I advertise on Facebook but that's about it. I have been told it is good but haven't gotten alot of interest. That won't stop me from writing more..Like in Field of Dreams..."If you build it, they will come."

Another thing of it is I need to get brave and tell my life story at meetings. Duoh!  I am all blabbity on this blog...That's easy
..But in real life? Haha too scared!