I don't think its Fukt up to love somebody at all. I think if you do you just do and there is really no having to explain that. I think my first time trying that went well, don't you? I get a standing ovation for effort and defying the odds!!! I am trying to feel fukt up about it, but I just don't. Love is a beautiful thing to extend to another human whether they want to return it or not is another story all together. Its a cool experience to have even if it was all in my head. Definitely inspirational. And it wasn't all in my head it was based on magic that only I felt in a short relationship. That could really happen to anyone inexperienced with feeling passion or electricity from touch. Forgive me for being a drunk for so long. Simply MAGIC!
I don't know exactly what I want to take from this experience? Just that I know I have love in my heart? And that it runs deeper than I ever could have imagined!!! I had this huge beautiful romance of a lifetime! I don't know how to let go of this...I don't even know who to be without that love, or whats gonna happen to me. And I am freakin crying because I know it is time. But I don't know how....so its really frustrating to grow up huh? Its fukn painful and scary when I say I gotta stop believing in my fairytale. I know God gave me this fairytale...but the world and the law have got me scared to keep believing in it.
So I just gotta be ok that yes there is someone out there that changed my life. And I am grateful to him. And I had a fantasy that I meant something to him. But I can be a grown up now, ya know? Face facts. I can't just live my life keep on hoping he will change his mind. I can't wait one more day for a phone call that will never happen. He meant what he said. And he told me No, Never. And there is no such place as Neverland.
And I am scared that I will never find anything like this again. And thats why part of me just wants to be crazy and write and never try anything real again. But I don't think thats what he would have wanted me to take from this...even if he cared justa smidgin...he wouldn't have wanted that much power. Not to destroy someone? Not to make their gifts garbage??? I maybe didn't know him well but from what I did I know he did have a heart. And the lines got blury with that.
And the lines got blury. I will leave it with that. And I am wearing his T-shirt today...Have not worn it in three years cause my brother stole it from me. I asked for it back that damn grey prison issued t-shirt makes me tough enough, right?
I don't know exactly what I want to take from this experience? Just that I know I have love in my heart? And that it runs deeper than I ever could have imagined!!! I had this huge beautiful romance of a lifetime! I don't know how to let go of this...I don't even know who to be without that love, or whats gonna happen to me. And I am freakin crying because I know it is time. But I don't know how....so its really frustrating to grow up huh? Its fukn painful and scary when I say I gotta stop believing in my fairytale. I know God gave me this fairytale...but the world and the law have got me scared to keep believing in it.
So I just gotta be ok that yes there is someone out there that changed my life. And I am grateful to him. And I had a fantasy that I meant something to him. But I can be a grown up now, ya know? Face facts. I can't just live my life keep on hoping he will change his mind. I can't wait one more day for a phone call that will never happen. He meant what he said. And he told me No, Never. And there is no such place as Neverland.
And I am scared that I will never find anything like this again. And thats why part of me just wants to be crazy and write and never try anything real again. But I don't think thats what he would have wanted me to take from this...even if he cared justa smidgin...he wouldn't have wanted that much power. Not to destroy someone? Not to make their gifts garbage??? I maybe didn't know him well but from what I did I know he did have a heart. And the lines got blury with that.
And the lines got blury. I will leave it with that. And I am wearing his T-shirt today...Have not worn it in three years cause my brother stole it from me. I asked for it back that damn grey prison issued t-shirt makes me tough enough, right?
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