Fear

So I got mad at myself tonight. Thought fear was a thing of the past I guess lol! Right?  I was dwelling on that I am telling my recovery story, like out loud to an audience on Sunday...Yeah not the internet at all and I am freaked. I got this sick feeling down in my stomach which was all too familiar and I hate it and I drink over that feeling.  Nerves fukn nerves.  I was in a meeting and I didn't want to be called on...But then I started thinking...You know what? God's got me!  He's got this and time and time again he proves himself to me. Why do I lack faith?  And I also had the thought from my early sobriety that I can do the next right action even when I am afraid.

So on the way home I remembered when I thought I was on trial for creating abortion.  Hmmm....I dont know what demon cooked that up but somehow I was responsible for every abortion that ever happened and I would be answering for it at the Billings Municipal Court, of all places! That was a really scary day for me, and my psychosis was reeling but I did show up to court!  Of course it was just a regular court day...But I have the conviction that abortion is murder and that they all have souls and that is why there is so much sickness on the earth. We're being sent back with a spectrum of disorders because of murder.  So yeah being asked questions about why you created that is kinda a rough day! I'm surprised I didn't pee my pants.  So why be afraid of people speaking? I freaking traverse demon realms and live to tell the story.  God's got me!
I remember when I was in chains in a court room with Adam when he asked for the life time restraining order...I remember that I did love him and that I knew I was scary to him. I said God I am not big enough for this. I asked God to make me bigger or take me out.

I remember my felony sentencing day. I am a bundle full of nerves any given day...but oh boy howdy!  I said God I am not big enough for this, make me bigger or take me out.  Grow me.

Time and time again God has made me strong...That is why I am mad that I am fearful of Sunday.  Who am I to be afraid after all he has carried me through? I am tripping on the idea that I am gonna be so worked up that I will have a panic attack or something.  And I really really want to be strong enough to share my story.  I think many people will not have a fukn clue about a psychosis, but they will maybe think that if she can recover from all that maybe I can too.

I say my reasons for relapse outloud and it just makes me want to vomit on myself.  Like how the hell could I have said I don't have problem? Oh it was only bad cause I was suicidal during my divorce? Or I am not alcoholic, just bipolar plus some?  Like who the fuk cares? My "just bipolar" is plenty reason not to add alcohol to the mix. I know that most of the time...90 percent of the time alcohol does not cause me issues.  I know that I drank alot of my life and got away with it.  And now I know that it has zero place in my life. It would only make me weak and I know that God is preparing me to be stronger than ever.  Alcohol consumption would deaden God's plan for my life. I'm not planning to be average ever again...And alcohol helped me blend in...Be normal. And that I am not folks...That I am not!