I want to say this just right because I know someone special to me reads my blogs and I don't always have the words to say in person. I told him it was easier for me to love a fantasy than the real deal. And that I have created a person to love based on someone I did love that hated me. Couldn't deal with that. Thats hella weird to tell somebody. And part of me feels ashamed of being that weird and part of me says it is what it is and fukn back off!
I think alot of people protect themselves in weird ways. I love someone I absolutely cannot have. And I don't even know if he's real or just in my head??? This is not healthy and makes me be mean to guys who try with me. But its innate. Its at my core. Its in my soul. But what if its all the enemy's counterfit?
What if my psychosis where I thought Adam was my soul mate and everything that has happened since is like an attack on me? Its certainly got me in a strange spot where I have these strong beliefs based on the intangible. I don't want to think it all a lie...it was so real, but damn what a mess its caused me.
I am hindered. I won't even try to love or trust another and thats not fair. Am I gonna be the girl with the fantasy world that can never get over Adam? Because dude is a jerk! Real mean, right? A wolf in sheep's clothing. Its my attributes I place on him that make him great, not what he did to me in reality. And its all based on memories now and I've gone on this huge tangent. And I can't shake that he is someone important to me, but damn it would be nice to be capable of enjoying someone else.
I guess I really got to decide what I want out of life? Non Fiction or fantasy. I'm so wrapped up in all this. It hurts. Its embaressing. I can't believe I told this dude that liked me all about it...and it probably sounded like the lamest excuse! And OMG how have I done this? And am I really that afraid of something real? I tried with Dragon, really did. I wonder if I am done trying for real things? I will just be a permafukt by all this and write books and fantasize over my soul mate until I am an old lady...and then I will die and God will say "why didn't you love again? that dude just wanted in your pants silly!" And then we will laugh because God made me naive and I run with it. I'll just say..."My bad God, my bad...I had visions!" I know God understands me so I am just totally joking...and I know he didn't just want in my pants. Anywho. Yada yada.
Boils down to this. This is what I am doing. Right now I am incapable of trust. Right now I am working on it. Right now I am believing God will release me of this when I am ready. I am really just trying for the most part to enjoy being healthy and psychosis free. The next time a guy likes me hopefully I don't have to explain this shit! Besides did I not say I was taking a year anyway? Arrrrgggggghhhhhhh! God help me!
I think alot of people protect themselves in weird ways. I love someone I absolutely cannot have. And I don't even know if he's real or just in my head??? This is not healthy and makes me be mean to guys who try with me. But its innate. Its at my core. Its in my soul. But what if its all the enemy's counterfit?
What if my psychosis where I thought Adam was my soul mate and everything that has happened since is like an attack on me? Its certainly got me in a strange spot where I have these strong beliefs based on the intangible. I don't want to think it all a lie...it was so real, but damn what a mess its caused me.
I am hindered. I won't even try to love or trust another and thats not fair. Am I gonna be the girl with the fantasy world that can never get over Adam? Because dude is a jerk! Real mean, right? A wolf in sheep's clothing. Its my attributes I place on him that make him great, not what he did to me in reality. And its all based on memories now and I've gone on this huge tangent. And I can't shake that he is someone important to me, but damn it would be nice to be capable of enjoying someone else.
I guess I really got to decide what I want out of life? Non Fiction or fantasy. I'm so wrapped up in all this. It hurts. Its embaressing. I can't believe I told this dude that liked me all about it...and it probably sounded like the lamest excuse! And OMG how have I done this? And am I really that afraid of something real? I tried with Dragon, really did. I wonder if I am done trying for real things? I will just be a permafukt by all this and write books and fantasize over my soul mate until I am an old lady...and then I will die and God will say "why didn't you love again? that dude just wanted in your pants silly!" And then we will laugh because God made me naive and I run with it. I'll just say..."My bad God, my bad...I had visions!" I know God understands me so I am just totally joking...and I know he didn't just want in my pants. Anywho. Yada yada.
Boils down to this. This is what I am doing. Right now I am incapable of trust. Right now I am working on it. Right now I am believing God will release me of this when I am ready. I am really just trying for the most part to enjoy being healthy and psychosis free. The next time a guy likes me hopefully I don't have to explain this shit! Besides did I not say I was taking a year anyway? Arrrrgggggghhhhhhh! God help me!
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