I remember caring about boys in junior high. I loved Jake and I loved Bart. Both grew up to be addicts and committed suicide. I like to think they watch over me from heaven.
Then the rape. And then drinking...I think I became a man hater. I just never gave a shit about them and they never gave a shit about me. Use each other and get it over with. I don't know why but I rarely had boyfriends very long. I had no practice being in a serious relationship before I got married and then it was what can I take from you to fill me up?
Problem being at this point I am thinking that God didn't make a man for me. I don't trust them to stick around for my spookiness. And from what I've experienced they can say they understand and will stay by me til they are blue in the face, but when it boils down to it they run. I can trust a guy about as far as I can pick him up and throw him. Sad but just the truth.
I need to trust God right now in this process. I need to know that I am a different person now. I need to recognize that my story gave me my first experience trusting a man with my heart even if I had to be delusional I still trusted. He was my first and I was 34. So maybe it wouldn't be so bad to try and trust another again. Got to be fukn careful though.
I'm alot. Don't want to be hurt so much. Don't want it to be make believe either...
Then the rape. And then drinking...I think I became a man hater. I just never gave a shit about them and they never gave a shit about me. Use each other and get it over with. I don't know why but I rarely had boyfriends very long. I had no practice being in a serious relationship before I got married and then it was what can I take from you to fill me up?
Problem being at this point I am thinking that God didn't make a man for me. I don't trust them to stick around for my spookiness. And from what I've experienced they can say they understand and will stay by me til they are blue in the face, but when it boils down to it they run. I can trust a guy about as far as I can pick him up and throw him. Sad but just the truth.
And I won't even give them a chance. I can size them up pretty damn quickly too. Very distant. I trusted my fairytale way further than I have ever trusted any man. I needed to trust a man not to hurt me. And my delusion never allowed Adam to hurt me. Funny psychology huh? I was just being shaped and refined and he never hurt me.
I need to trust God right now in this process. I need to know that I am a different person now. I need to recognize that my story gave me my first experience trusting a man with my heart even if I had to be delusional I still trusted. He was my first and I was 34. So maybe it wouldn't be so bad to try and trust another again. Got to be fukn careful though.
I'm alot. Don't want to be hurt so much. Don't want it to be make believe either...
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