Letting go is a bitch. It really is the biggest bitch. I haven't seen Dragon in two weeks. That's the longest we have ever gone without seeing each other in three years. Damn I was doing so good too. I would go days without texting him...such progress when you're use to talking to someone every day. I've been keeping busy, making new friends, reconnecting with old friends...and taking a Bellydance class, as well as a writing workshop! I haven't stressed about him much at all, but I relapsed today. Bad.
We had talked on the phone yesterday about going to a concert in Bozeman next week...maybe that's not the swellest idea, but we're in like a weening off process what? What? Idk but I'm still cleaning his house too. Fuk! All this attachment!
So today I was excited about being at an AA women's retreat all weekend and I sent him some pics of me and friends from the weekend...and said I made a new best girlfriend...really hit it off with a gal there! But then I had the splendid idea and thunketh to say but you are still my best guy friend...and so I rattled off about 15 pics that I had of us on my phone of me and him throughout this past year. I was thinking yes he would like to have these pics, right? I didn't know if he had seen them all, well??? Well no response! Not even a fukn stop it Miranda...nothing. Three hours later I am worried he is drinking, or with someone else, or dead...those are my options. Because I checked and he wasn't hangin go out where he usually does when we're not together. They hadn't seen him all weekend. Weird. He must be at least depressed and drowning his sorrows about me by now, right?
So I am at work. I get off at midnight. Every bone in my body wants to show up at his house in the middle of the night, possibly crying with fear of whatever the unknown could be...whatever it is I don't like that I followed up the pics with three texts saying I was worried and no answer. That is not like him...he is not like Adam...he responds at appropriate times usually when he can sense my anxiety.
But this does feel a lot like history repeating. It does. Well Adam was more of a hardass though. He refused to have any type of conversation with me after we broke up on 2-12-13...no matter what I said he wouldn't talk to me about anything I was experiencing from the aftermath of his affection on me. I freakin had a lot to say to him! Enough for a three hundred page book at least! Lol.
I can't stalk Dragon. I can't go out there. I just got to let go and breathe. Dragon is much kinder than Adam and he has had plenty of conversations with me about what isn't working for him. He was holding onto things from a year ago and we just never could end it. Always finding reasons to keep going whether it was a holiday or a Game of Thrones season... we were always like putting off the inevitable. I want to say because we do love each other, and I was always all in but Dragon wasn't he was like luke warm, and wanting sex. Duoh. Duoh.
So while my reaction to Dragon is very similar to what I experienced letting go of Adam...they are completely different souls. But yes I is a stalker! Damn, never ever had this problem when I was drinking. I never had care for men hardly at all! I was one sick pup though and didn't really know about affection, or touch, or sex for that matter...what a freaking sober world it is! Duoh!!!
These are growing pains tonight...real fukn hard growing pains. I am not gonna race out to Laurel to check on him at midnight. I've been working too damn hard the past two weeks to relapse like that! Plus I am wiped out from that retreat. And I have alternate plans for that Bozeman concert that I should just accept anyway...anyway I needed to get that all on paper. Ink. Mirandadyeblackink
Emotions don't kill you. Sober is strong!
We had talked on the phone yesterday about going to a concert in Bozeman next week...maybe that's not the swellest idea, but we're in like a weening off process what? What? Idk but I'm still cleaning his house too. Fuk! All this attachment!
So today I was excited about being at an AA women's retreat all weekend and I sent him some pics of me and friends from the weekend...and said I made a new best girlfriend...really hit it off with a gal there! But then I had the splendid idea and thunketh to say but you are still my best guy friend...and so I rattled off about 15 pics that I had of us on my phone of me and him throughout this past year. I was thinking yes he would like to have these pics, right? I didn't know if he had seen them all, well??? Well no response! Not even a fukn stop it Miranda...nothing. Three hours later I am worried he is drinking, or with someone else, or dead...those are my options. Because I checked and he wasn't hangin go out where he usually does when we're not together. They hadn't seen him all weekend. Weird. He must be at least depressed and drowning his sorrows about me by now, right?
So I am at work. I get off at midnight. Every bone in my body wants to show up at his house in the middle of the night, possibly crying with fear of whatever the unknown could be...whatever it is I don't like that I followed up the pics with three texts saying I was worried and no answer. That is not like him...he is not like Adam...he responds at appropriate times usually when he can sense my anxiety.
But this does feel a lot like history repeating. It does. Well Adam was more of a hardass though. He refused to have any type of conversation with me after we broke up on 2-12-13...no matter what I said he wouldn't talk to me about anything I was experiencing from the aftermath of his affection on me. I freakin had a lot to say to him! Enough for a three hundred page book at least! Lol.
I can't stalk Dragon. I can't go out there. I just got to let go and breathe. Dragon is much kinder than Adam and he has had plenty of conversations with me about what isn't working for him. He was holding onto things from a year ago and we just never could end it. Always finding reasons to keep going whether it was a holiday or a Game of Thrones season... we were always like putting off the inevitable. I want to say because we do love each other, and I was always all in but Dragon wasn't he was like luke warm, and wanting sex. Duoh. Duoh.
So while my reaction to Dragon is very similar to what I experienced letting go of Adam...they are completely different souls. But yes I is a stalker! Damn, never ever had this problem when I was drinking. I never had care for men hardly at all! I was one sick pup though and didn't really know about affection, or touch, or sex for that matter...what a freaking sober world it is! Duoh!!!
These are growing pains tonight...real fukn hard growing pains. I am not gonna race out to Laurel to check on him at midnight. I've been working too damn hard the past two weeks to relapse like that! Plus I am wiped out from that retreat. And I have alternate plans for that Bozeman concert that I should just accept anyway...anyway I needed to get that all on paper. Ink. Mirandadyeblackink
Emotions don't kill you. Sober is strong!
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