If you love someone, you're suppose to set them free, right? "I fudging love you, you prick, now get back here!!!" How do I love so deep and why, why, why I am fricken cursed with this illness? Scary Mary trifecta of walk away from me? The curse is "not good enough," "not enough." But yet of course I am "too much." Enough "too much" already! Crazy. Crazy Beautiful. Crazy Happy. Crazy Sad. Crazy Love. I understand I am much; and that a heart that loves much, can also break much.
And I hold on to memories and what might have been...could have been, should have been. I held onto Adam, and then I held on to Dragon. And maybe that's a choke hold of sorts? A body slam down into the choke hold alright! Don't you want somebody to love, thank you Janis Joplin for pointing that out! I give.
So amazing though, to love like that! Somehow crossing realities with a lover into other realms, and no it was never drugs...just something I experience. Its kind of like a waking dream, an alteration of reality, and I come out on the other side with a deep attachment to that person. As if they went through that with me...and they never do. Its just my "schitzo" as it is labeled side, though deeply spiritual connects me with these people. And it is so friggin deep. So pain pierces my soul with a knife, and I am just sick to my stomach from the loss.
Me and Dragon have a had a good go though, right? He broke up with me almost a year ago and I keep holding on, well because I love him. We were still spending lots of time together in that year, but he is really wanting to move on now. So you're suppose to set free that which you love, right? Right? Is this right? The things about him that make me happy keep popping up in my mind, and saying "no!" I really want to be selfish and say that we are good together and who could love you more? But he again is not down that I have mental shit going on. Fudge, sometimes I think I am so blessed and gifted to see other realms, but at times like these, I just long to be normal and status quo.
No. I take that back. God made me that way. Knitted me in my mother's womb to be a cracker jack, spitfire, lovin large, psycho babble princess, lol. Just the way He wanted me to be. I know there is a reason for it all. Even if I don't find out on this green earth, there will someday be an answer.
I wish I could just tell Dragon to fly away and be free. I wish I was that strong. Or maybe go take a flying leap. I wrote him this poem before my heart was so invested. A Poem for Fish which is his other nickname!
And I hold on to memories and what might have been...could have been, should have been. I held onto Adam, and then I held on to Dragon. And maybe that's a choke hold of sorts? A body slam down into the choke hold alright! Don't you want somebody to love, thank you Janis Joplin for pointing that out! I give.
So amazing though, to love like that! Somehow crossing realities with a lover into other realms, and no it was never drugs...just something I experience. Its kind of like a waking dream, an alteration of reality, and I come out on the other side with a deep attachment to that person. As if they went through that with me...and they never do. Its just my "schitzo" as it is labeled side, though deeply spiritual connects me with these people. And it is so friggin deep. So pain pierces my soul with a knife, and I am just sick to my stomach from the loss.
Me and Dragon have a had a good go though, right? He broke up with me almost a year ago and I keep holding on, well because I love him. We were still spending lots of time together in that year, but he is really wanting to move on now. So you're suppose to set free that which you love, right? Right? Is this right? The things about him that make me happy keep popping up in my mind, and saying "no!" I really want to be selfish and say that we are good together and who could love you more? But he again is not down that I have mental shit going on. Fudge, sometimes I think I am so blessed and gifted to see other realms, but at times like these, I just long to be normal and status quo.
No. I take that back. God made me that way. Knitted me in my mother's womb to be a cracker jack, spitfire, lovin large, psycho babble princess, lol. Just the way He wanted me to be. I know there is a reason for it all. Even if I don't find out on this green earth, there will someday be an answer.
I wish I could just tell Dragon to fly away and be free. I wish I was that strong. Or maybe go take a flying leap. I wrote him this poem before my heart was so invested. A Poem for Fish which is his other nickname!
My Wish For Fish
They
all said you
were Justin
“this,”
Just a Fish.
Might as well of had you,
In a glass bowl, in that spot,
Always those counters!defined by
scales and measures.Live up to “this” fish.
So I say “Little Fish” dream big,You were meant
just for
“this.”Something different for you,
A STOP sign set “Justin” place, A point of no return,
trust me!Youth behind, future open wide.
If only you catch the tide!!!Get to the ocean…quick.
There are things you can miss. Trust me.
Climb mountains, just to breathe.
Dine fine restaurants, And rent hotel rooms,
That you don’t sleep in!
Go to meetings around the world!
You can do all these things sober,
And never, ever, say you are bored!!!
So much! So
much to see, and feel, and do!
Please take it. Be fully alive!
Take it. Don’t look back…
And when you find some
Young beautiful
one,
Let it buck…and burn
A fire so bright,
you can’t contain,
Enough words.
Have a big fancy wedding,
And make your own babies.
You deserve that much.
So when everyone says,
You are Justin “this,”
You won’t have to wonder,
If a Fish sinks or swims.
You will know your own skin,
You will have your own scales and measures.
Integrity. Humility. Strength in a Higher Power.
And quite possibly a treble guitar, that rocks base!
Remember your “Miranda Writes” have been read!
Dream Big Fish “this” is your life!
Happy One Year Birthday!
With Love.
M.
January 10, 2015
By:
MirandadyeBLACKink.
So that was the plan, huh? It doesn't hurt that I invested my heart into him...it just proves that I have a good heart that works. And it proves that he is a dipshit.
the end.