So I don't understand why I go through the things I do. and then come completely back to normal? I have been off and on insane for three years now, various levels from the hidden inner termoil...to the very blatant and obvious times I have been sent off to the hospital. It is certainly strange to have the memories of insanity...the things I saw and believed to be true at the time, seemed so meaningful, and now I can't really make sense of what I went through.
Maybe I don't get to...and maybe that is where faith and trust in God comes in. I have been wanning lately in my sobriety. Which pisses me off after all the miracles I have had in my life in the last three years. I just feel so level and it is kind of lonely here. I just feel so average and uncomplicated, that I wonder what it is I am suppose to do with all that I have seen and heard during my psychosis, and it they are in fact a real part of me that I have to figure out?
I do know that I still don't have the awful reoccuring nightmares, that I did for about 17 years, and that has something to do with Adam and the heaven sequence I experienced in 2013. But now I have a mixture of good and evil when I have psychosis, and still the heavy hallucinations about genetics being defiled in a spiritual process and that somehow I came back to earth and can remember past lives and I can see peoples spirit forms...not what everyone sees.
I do know that I am special, but I don't know for what purpose? I really wonder what God is up to because I am just floating along right now with little direction or purpose, and I am one that really needs that to thrive.
I can't keep asking God that question though and here I am in a very "normal" head...very level for some time and I say why me? There should be gratitude in there somewhere that I am not permanently gone...needing to be locked away or anything. And yet what is the reason I have these experiences and then do come out of them, to live to tell the story? There has got to be a purpose in this! It wouldn't be my life experience to have if it were just empty.
I have been so filled up with life during this process, but sometimes I forget that the miracles are from above and are a direct derivative of sobriety and falling into deep love with a man. I know that God used my love for Adam to teach me so many things! But to explain that I have parallel universes now? Somehow? This is a little much! When I cross over it is so real to me, and it is certainly much like how my nightmares used to be, except now it all happens for real in my waking hours.
Having said that I am back to that its not happening lately and the medication is working great...and I am normal again. I need some direction though, I need to really do some research and find others in the world that have what I have and see how they cope with being halfway insane....and then back to completely normal again.
At least I am interesting, even when I am not writing crazy love sonnets in psychological highs and lows...Ive usually always had something going on and these holidays were spent with my kids, shopping, Christmas trees, Dragon and family, and it was all just very normal...and might I add "HEALTHY!"
So the question is....am I suppose to look into this deeper? because I have not! Ive just been enjoying feeling normal for a bit! So that's an update!
Maybe I don't get to...and maybe that is where faith and trust in God comes in. I have been wanning lately in my sobriety. Which pisses me off after all the miracles I have had in my life in the last three years. I just feel so level and it is kind of lonely here. I just feel so average and uncomplicated, that I wonder what it is I am suppose to do with all that I have seen and heard during my psychosis, and it they are in fact a real part of me that I have to figure out?
I do know that I still don't have the awful reoccuring nightmares, that I did for about 17 years, and that has something to do with Adam and the heaven sequence I experienced in 2013. But now I have a mixture of good and evil when I have psychosis, and still the heavy hallucinations about genetics being defiled in a spiritual process and that somehow I came back to earth and can remember past lives and I can see peoples spirit forms...not what everyone sees.
I do know that I am special, but I don't know for what purpose? I really wonder what God is up to because I am just floating along right now with little direction or purpose, and I am one that really needs that to thrive.
I can't keep asking God that question though and here I am in a very "normal" head...very level for some time and I say why me? There should be gratitude in there somewhere that I am not permanently gone...needing to be locked away or anything. And yet what is the reason I have these experiences and then do come out of them, to live to tell the story? There has got to be a purpose in this! It wouldn't be my life experience to have if it were just empty.
I have been so filled up with life during this process, but sometimes I forget that the miracles are from above and are a direct derivative of sobriety and falling into deep love with a man. I know that God used my love for Adam to teach me so many things! But to explain that I have parallel universes now? Somehow? This is a little much! When I cross over it is so real to me, and it is certainly much like how my nightmares used to be, except now it all happens for real in my waking hours.
Having said that I am back to that its not happening lately and the medication is working great...and I am normal again. I need some direction though, I need to really do some research and find others in the world that have what I have and see how they cope with being halfway insane....and then back to completely normal again.
At least I am interesting, even when I am not writing crazy love sonnets in psychological highs and lows...Ive usually always had something going on and these holidays were spent with my kids, shopping, Christmas trees, Dragon and family, and it was all just very normal...and might I add "HEALTHY!"
So the question is....am I suppose to look into this deeper? because I have not! Ive just been enjoying feeling normal for a bit! So that's an update!