Tatonka...buffalo...you had me at hello.
So it's been heavy on my heart lately, and I know it's why I woke up crying last night...I am a half heart woman to a man that deserves more. I got the nerves up tonight to tell Dragon Heart that I still blog about Adam with lust, and love, and vigor. I thought he would be hurt, and his maturity in it really made me trust him, and care for him even more.
I told Dragon that I am not hurt by Adam, because I have written my way out of it in a story line. And that I coped and did not drink or die, because of this love, and that I still feel spiritually connected to Adam. He was okay with it. He knows what I go through, and it doesn't seem to scare him as much, and I don't know why? I mean I had a three day psychosis, and he stuck around and didn't freak on me...bonus points for sure.
I told Dragon that I don't know how to end my story, well maybe cut myself off from the cope of Adam, he said. Well...certainly there comes a point where I have to make the solid choice to move on. I have zero closure you know? Like I don't get a cup of coffee at Off the Leaf with the guy who saved my life, forever changed my heart, and the way I view myself. It's a lifetime restraining order, right.
I truly truly am so confused about the differing realities I see, and the story helps me make sense of it...or at least hypothesize this is bigger than a guy really not liking me, or a judicial system from the Jurassic period, or programs working, because a Higher Power is POWERFUL!!! It's big. My story is big. And God unraveling it all this way is big...and overwhelming!
So I was shaking when I told Dragon everything tonight, and he talked a bit like he does, and then told me the story of buffalo. He taunted me a bit saying I wasn't ready to hear it...acted like he was drifting off..."I've told you right?" "You've hear this story haven't you?l" and so with some pleading...
When there is a storm coming most animals try to run away from the storm and then get caught up in it. Buffulo are the rare animal that when they see the storm on the horizon they run into it, run through it to the clear other side. I get it.
Dragon knows I am afraid to love him with all my heart and he knows that is because I haven't let go of Adam. I have love for them both, one is rational and one is irrational based on my creation or what God allowed me to see in altered realities. So Dragon's buffalo story is about facing my fear and letting myself love him. Face my fears.
Do you remember from Young Guns? "We're in the spirit world asshole!"
Well asshole Adam, I saw you in the spirit world....but I have to live this life here first. I will have to catch you on the fly Peter, because you Jack around with my heart strings by a memory of you and a guitar, and I wonder why wonder why?
Shit I never know what's next with me right? I am so back forth and determination to stop coping with Adam has failed time and again. I mean even if I got locked away I would prolly write like five books concerning this subject matter because it is truly mind blowing!
So A million pounds lifted off my chest tonight and I am very proud of Dragon...he is pretty impressive. And coping skills can't depend on fairy tales...yes, no? Maybe?
Goodnight
So it's been heavy on my heart lately, and I know it's why I woke up crying last night...I am a half heart woman to a man that deserves more. I got the nerves up tonight to tell Dragon Heart that I still blog about Adam with lust, and love, and vigor. I thought he would be hurt, and his maturity in it really made me trust him, and care for him even more.
I told Dragon that I am not hurt by Adam, because I have written my way out of it in a story line. And that I coped and did not drink or die, because of this love, and that I still feel spiritually connected to Adam. He was okay with it. He knows what I go through, and it doesn't seem to scare him as much, and I don't know why? I mean I had a three day psychosis, and he stuck around and didn't freak on me...bonus points for sure.
I told Dragon that I don't know how to end my story, well maybe cut myself off from the cope of Adam, he said. Well...certainly there comes a point where I have to make the solid choice to move on. I have zero closure you know? Like I don't get a cup of coffee at Off the Leaf with the guy who saved my life, forever changed my heart, and the way I view myself. It's a lifetime restraining order, right.
I truly truly am so confused about the differing realities I see, and the story helps me make sense of it...or at least hypothesize this is bigger than a guy really not liking me, or a judicial system from the Jurassic period, or programs working, because a Higher Power is POWERFUL!!! It's big. My story is big. And God unraveling it all this way is big...and overwhelming!
So I was shaking when I told Dragon everything tonight, and he talked a bit like he does, and then told me the story of buffalo. He taunted me a bit saying I wasn't ready to hear it...acted like he was drifting off..."I've told you right?" "You've hear this story haven't you?l" and so with some pleading...
When there is a storm coming most animals try to run away from the storm and then get caught up in it. Buffulo are the rare animal that when they see the storm on the horizon they run into it, run through it to the clear other side. I get it.
Dragon knows I am afraid to love him with all my heart and he knows that is because I haven't let go of Adam. I have love for them both, one is rational and one is irrational based on my creation or what God allowed me to see in altered realities. So Dragon's buffalo story is about facing my fear and letting myself love him. Face my fears.
Do you remember from Young Guns? "We're in the spirit world asshole!"
Well asshole Adam, I saw you in the spirit world....but I have to live this life here first. I will have to catch you on the fly Peter, because you Jack around with my heart strings by a memory of you and a guitar, and I wonder why wonder why?
Shit I never know what's next with me right? I am so back forth and determination to stop coping with Adam has failed time and again. I mean even if I got locked away I would prolly write like five books concerning this subject matter because it is truly mind blowing!
So A million pounds lifted off my chest tonight and I am very proud of Dragon...he is pretty impressive. And coping skills can't depend on fairy tales...yes, no? Maybe?
Goodnight