Okay, so I talked to the psychologist in Whitby and she said that I have simply required, no... acquired attachment disorder to Adam, because I didn't have a dad. That is so freaking simple, and now I can just stop and stop writing and let this all go because the only reason I found love for the first time and trust in a man for the first time is because I have serious daddy issues, and all this other stuff and love and bullshit...is just that. Maybe I will figure something else out to do with my time besides write stories and fantasies about lovers that are made up and truly I do know that Adam doesn't love me but it doesn't matter for what I want to do with the writing and a career. I sincerely hope that it doesn't affect him and that he would know how much he has actually helped me, and I will repay him if anything should come of this. I don't think all that is happened as sad, I think it is exciting for me and prospective of very good things in the future, but it just feels like a standstill here lately.
I am a little bored I guess you could say with this town, and with the true true disappointment of life in general when you don't fit the norm. And in this small town I can't breathe, and I can't excel because yes what I really want to do is be a writer. I want to go with this. I don't want hurt Adam, I don't need him to love me, to be able to write the stories,and honestly it's just it's exciting to me to have this talent and stories that I want to share. Attachment shmatchmeant...!
It is literally I guess the coolest thing that I have ever accomplished in my life, and I've done some pretty great stuff. I don't know where it's heading though, the psychologist said I should rewrite my fairytale book which was a chronological account of what was happening. She said to write it in a way that would appeal to the psychology world, and that's not what I wrote it for. And frankly I don't want it to appeal that way. I want it to be how I wrote it. If she is looking for doctors and therapists to take it seriously I'm not trying to play doctor, it's a love story with my psychosis involved. She also said I needed writing classes, so there was a blow to my ego. I don't know as to compared to what writers, or punctuation, emphasis, or what level I need to be at to publish. It hurt for a second, but then I was just like oh well that's her opinion! I know on my blog punctuation is an issue but I am using the keyboard on Droid for six months now and it's not as technical as when you're at a computer.
I do know that I really want a professional editor for my book. But to say my style of writing or the story I'm telling isn't good enough in someway that I would need to take a class? I just have a way of writing that is unique, but to change it all or to try to write slowly and meticulously about my account and worry about every syllable and thought would not make me happy. I am a happy writer at this time.
Well that was really discouraging to get that email from her today and also for my PO to say I can't move anywhere anyway yesterday. He believes that it is best for me to stay here while I have support of the people in the program. Although I have one person that I am even close to right now and a lot of people I would say 95% that used to be in my life are not in it anymore for one reason or another just seems to be how it has all went down, whether used to be all the professionals that I knew from working for the city, or the friends that I had when I was married, or the friends I had and lost in the program, I am definitely not a popular person. And for the first time in my life I don't really care. I like to be by myself, and it would be cool to go somewhere where I can really just not know everyone. Praying for some kind of solution to all this confusion back-and-forth what to do with my life it's increasingly annoying and some answers soon would be a blessing.
And as for all that attachment disorder business...sure I'm attached. I don't know if it's a disorder, or love, or psychological babble, but whatever it is, it something different than I've ever experienced and for sure sparked some huge form of energy in me, Clearly enough I've dated a lot of assholes but this one sparked something out of the this universe in general. I know it makes me different that this is what I want to do with my life right now and preferred to trying to be someone I am not just to please Billings Montana.
I am a little bored I guess you could say with this town, and with the true true disappointment of life in general when you don't fit the norm. And in this small town I can't breathe, and I can't excel because yes what I really want to do is be a writer. I want to go with this. I don't want hurt Adam, I don't need him to love me, to be able to write the stories,and honestly it's just it's exciting to me to have this talent and stories that I want to share. Attachment shmatchmeant...!
It is literally I guess the coolest thing that I have ever accomplished in my life, and I've done some pretty great stuff. I don't know where it's heading though, the psychologist said I should rewrite my fairytale book which was a chronological account of what was happening. She said to write it in a way that would appeal to the psychology world, and that's not what I wrote it for. And frankly I don't want it to appeal that way. I want it to be how I wrote it. If she is looking for doctors and therapists to take it seriously I'm not trying to play doctor, it's a love story with my psychosis involved. She also said I needed writing classes, so there was a blow to my ego. I don't know as to compared to what writers, or punctuation, emphasis, or what level I need to be at to publish. It hurt for a second, but then I was just like oh well that's her opinion! I know on my blog punctuation is an issue but I am using the keyboard on Droid for six months now and it's not as technical as when you're at a computer.
I do know that I really want a professional editor for my book. But to say my style of writing or the story I'm telling isn't good enough in someway that I would need to take a class? I just have a way of writing that is unique, but to change it all or to try to write slowly and meticulously about my account and worry about every syllable and thought would not make me happy. I am a happy writer at this time.
Well that was really discouraging to get that email from her today and also for my PO to say I can't move anywhere anyway yesterday. He believes that it is best for me to stay here while I have support of the people in the program. Although I have one person that I am even close to right now and a lot of people I would say 95% that used to be in my life are not in it anymore for one reason or another just seems to be how it has all went down, whether used to be all the professionals that I knew from working for the city, or the friends that I had when I was married, or the friends I had and lost in the program, I am definitely not a popular person. And for the first time in my life I don't really care. I like to be by myself, and it would be cool to go somewhere where I can really just not know everyone. Praying for some kind of solution to all this confusion back-and-forth what to do with my life it's increasingly annoying and some answers soon would be a blessing.
And as for all that attachment disorder business...sure I'm attached. I don't know if it's a disorder, or love, or psychological babble, but whatever it is, it something different than I've ever experienced and for sure sparked some huge form of energy in me, Clearly enough I've dated a lot of assholes but this one sparked something out of the this universe in general. I know it makes me different that this is what I want to do with my life right now and preferred to trying to be someone I am not just to please Billings Montana.
