Written in 2011 for brief Sobriety Stint an Inventory
I lasted four months not drinking during my separation...this is when I met Adam the first time and I wasnt into him at all. That is why I know my attraction to him was not just "looks," because he only became a "looker" after I got to know him...so there put it in your pipe and smoke it. He's not all that to other women...just saying I is a freak.
Myself:
Unpredictable to myself, wishy washy, thick headed, repetitive mistakes
Lack of ownership in particular status of self, whatever it is at the time
Fearful of future
Unsure of where I stand, and ask others to tell me, not directing my own path
Miserable in own skin, always looking outside myself
Walking in circles around my issues, never fully resolving
Inviting stressed filled situations to fall on my lap, ever eager for a mess
Not walking through painful, growth promoting times just letting life happen
Dissatisfied with life I have created, where I am at, who i am and what happens next
Wasteful of time, energy and potential
So about three years later...
I am still completely unpredictable...but not to myself! I just accept that I have BP and psychosis and that I am not always going to have the same mood. That would be a bore anyway. I am not wishy washy on decisions I make. Less thickheaded, more into following rules and being a good citizen. And I hope I am not repeating mistakes especially with men. Hopefully friggin learned something. Not really afraid of the future, because I know its is going to get better, I have alot of interesting opportunites laying at my feet. I know where I stand, I am a human with character defects and now know I have PTSD about men, that lead me to attach to one in a big way, no question there. Also I know I hurt him in my process. I know I am weird, unique and quite the handfull. I do direct my own path now and am quite comfortable in my own skin, however freaking huge it is. I have
resolved a ton of my issues by writing, therapy and the program, I dont walk around them anymore. I am way more chill and less invested in drama. I embrace pain as a tool for growth, and I have had alot! I dont waste much time...I stay busy and I am pretty satisfied and excited for my future. I am talented writer I never knew!!!
After I wrote that list in 2011 and I said see where you are at in five years...well I have two to go.
I lasted four months not drinking during my separation...this is when I met Adam the first time and I wasnt into him at all. That is why I know my attraction to him was not just "looks," because he only became a "looker" after I got to know him...so there put it in your pipe and smoke it. He's not all that to other women...just saying I is a freak.
Myself:
Unpredictable to myself, wishy washy, thick headed, repetitive mistakes
Lack of ownership in particular status of self, whatever it is at the time
Fearful of future
Unsure of where I stand, and ask others to tell me, not directing my own path
Miserable in own skin, always looking outside myself
Walking in circles around my issues, never fully resolving
Inviting stressed filled situations to fall on my lap, ever eager for a mess
Not walking through painful, growth promoting times just letting life happen
Dissatisfied with life I have created, where I am at, who i am and what happens next
Wasteful of time, energy and potential
So about three years later...
I am still completely unpredictable...but not to myself! I just accept that I have BP and psychosis and that I am not always going to have the same mood. That would be a bore anyway. I am not wishy washy on decisions I make. Less thickheaded, more into following rules and being a good citizen. And I hope I am not repeating mistakes especially with men. Hopefully friggin learned something. Not really afraid of the future, because I know its is going to get better, I have alot of interesting opportunites laying at my feet. I know where I stand, I am a human with character defects and now know I have PTSD about men, that lead me to attach to one in a big way, no question there. Also I know I hurt him in my process. I know I am weird, unique and quite the handfull. I do direct my own path now and am quite comfortable in my own skin, however freaking huge it is. I have
resolved a ton of my issues by writing, therapy and the program, I dont walk around them anymore. I am way more chill and less invested in drama. I embrace pain as a tool for growth, and I have had alot! I dont waste much time...I stay busy and I am pretty satisfied and excited for my future. I am talented writer I never knew!!!
After I wrote that list in 2011 and I said see where you are at in five years...well I have two to go.
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