That's enough self help to swallow me whole. Enough of way too many people! Two years buried in it and I am just done. Done with groups of people, sharing, sharing, talking, talking bearing our souls. Whether it was mental health groups, AA, Womens Issues groups, personal therapy, or Alanon...I am just so wanting to not think, I need it so much. Just breathe, I have been through too much and I just want to be me and accept where I am at. I don't constantly need to be working on me, or talk about it. Yeah, I am gonna be OK and be just fine as me. Enough of my over zealous self help exploitation, yes I did it to me!!
I made it 34 years in this world and didn't much sit around with people and talk about problems inside me, and what to do about it. And then listen to everybody's advice, about my issues they cant always understand! I have had to go some extra miles, to get where I am at...like outerspace haha. I think it was suppose to happen. I have changed so much and I am proud of the work I have done, mainly what God has done. But the sober me just wants less people! No talking. Let's just not talk about issues for a sec k? It's so weird and I did become wrapped up in that! I just want to cuddle haha...no talking! I don't want to go to a meeting...nope I don't!
And that I would rather share myself in this fashion, then telling people in this little town, that has very much told me their opinion...well good. My weakass newly sober mentality could have been murdered by people's opinions on me falling in love in 6 weeks and becoming a stalker. The hardest one for me is it is so impossible for someone to fall in love like that, I am so superficial, selfish, obsessed and a sex addict, strictly no way I could have had a spiritual connection to another human being? Me? "There is no way to love someone, who has treated you like that." Humans, is love logical? Is anything that happened to me in sobriety fricken logical? Tell it like it is people, I mean really! A lot of shit talk over my craziness and danger to society issues. To me in my own world, I think it is a modern day fairytale, but I am not in Camelot and people are cruel. So guess who's weakass mentality got brutally beaten to a pulp...until I couldn't care anymore what one person thought about what I had done. Stop caring so much about everyones opinion, or die. I took option A...now that's some hardcore early sobriety! Damn that's hot!
What brought this up tonight is that I was suppose to spend fun time with my best friend tonight. I have had a rough summer and the most time we have spent together is in massage or at meetings. So when she was on her way here, she is like "I need a meeting so bad." She is addicted to Alanon...and would like me to get into it too. Pretty much every issue I have she just responds "go to Alanon." And after this meeting where I was stewing with totally serious women, and crying women, I became a pissed off woman. So I finally told her I am not ready to take on Alanon, after a year of futile attempts. I may someday sure...but not right now. And I also told her using what Alanon skills I do have how much it hurt me that we couldn't have just spent the night laughing, and forgetting about issues for a minute! I of course hurt her by saying this. But I think it will be ok.
I am just saying I think I deserve to breathe after all I have been through, it wasn't but a month ago I was in the bottom of hell, and didn't know if I would come out. And I don't know if I will stay well, or go into another psychosis...meaning its like I don't know how much time I have on the actual earth. I don't want to spend my time listening to sad stories, I feel sad stories to my core, I take on other's pain in a very deep spiritual burden way. I had a job with homeless teens for a month, before I couldn't handle the pain. Enough pain. Enough sickness. Enough lives ripped apart and brutalized. I know I want to be an activist for mental health, but I figured out that I cannot be the counselor, or the social worker, I cannot be the one on the front lines like that. That is called "Direct Service." The work I did for AmeriCorps Vista was indirect and I very much loved it...prospered spiritually and socially. To end this paragraph I just now that right now I want to feel fulfilled and do things that bring me joy...and if being around people less does that for me, then I feel blessed to have been brought to this point! Its kinda weird little turn of events for me! And no not all my 800 FB friends need to know all about it. So what I am sober and love it, lol.
I still have to two self helps for court...that's a lot less than I have put into me for two years. And I now have a pretty amazing male psychologist, that thinks I am amazing too! He has helped me more in two months than the transpersonal therapist in a year. This woman literally handed me a handout about soul mates the day after the restraining order hearing. First time that hit my brainwaves about Adam, and guess who wrote about it being true for the next 8 days until I went straight to heaven? Not a bad trip though. A few days after the hearing, I gave her permission to talk to him and she threw me under the bus, talked poorly about me and said I could get violent. She knew me two months, a stigmatic therapist...told a man who was already wigged out by me, violence might happen. Then she asked him to make her a back pack...yes this man is multitalented, but seriously? Unfortunently I found this out about her 6 months later in my discovery. An email she sent to Adam after they met. In it she said "Yes Adam I do think you are helping Miranda." Yeah I liked hearing that. But I was so angry and hurt she told him I was potentially a violent person, I got bent on suing her for awhile. I eventually got over it, didnt want to ruin her life over it because she did try in her own way. She also told a mutual friend I was sick and to stay away, Well freakin duh I came to see you for a reason, but not your job, nor ethical! I do have enough evidence to sue her in her own writing! Just saying, but right now I am the felon...right?
I made it 34 years in this world and didn't much sit around with people and talk about problems inside me, and what to do about it. And then listen to everybody's advice, about my issues they cant always understand! I have had to go some extra miles, to get where I am at...like outerspace haha. I think it was suppose to happen. I have changed so much and I am proud of the work I have done, mainly what God has done. But the sober me just wants less people! No talking. Let's just not talk about issues for a sec k? It's so weird and I did become wrapped up in that! I just want to cuddle haha...no talking! I don't want to go to a meeting...nope I don't!
And that I would rather share myself in this fashion, then telling people in this little town, that has very much told me their opinion...well good. My weakass newly sober mentality could have been murdered by people's opinions on me falling in love in 6 weeks and becoming a stalker. The hardest one for me is it is so impossible for someone to fall in love like that, I am so superficial, selfish, obsessed and a sex addict, strictly no way I could have had a spiritual connection to another human being? Me? "There is no way to love someone, who has treated you like that." Humans, is love logical? Is anything that happened to me in sobriety fricken logical? Tell it like it is people, I mean really! A lot of shit talk over my craziness and danger to society issues. To me in my own world, I think it is a modern day fairytale, but I am not in Camelot and people are cruel. So guess who's weakass mentality got brutally beaten to a pulp...until I couldn't care anymore what one person thought about what I had done. Stop caring so much about everyones opinion, or die. I took option A...now that's some hardcore early sobriety! Damn that's hot!
What brought this up tonight is that I was suppose to spend fun time with my best friend tonight. I have had a rough summer and the most time we have spent together is in massage or at meetings. So when she was on her way here, she is like "I need a meeting so bad." She is addicted to Alanon...and would like me to get into it too. Pretty much every issue I have she just responds "go to Alanon." And after this meeting where I was stewing with totally serious women, and crying women, I became a pissed off woman. So I finally told her I am not ready to take on Alanon, after a year of futile attempts. I may someday sure...but not right now. And I also told her using what Alanon skills I do have how much it hurt me that we couldn't have just spent the night laughing, and forgetting about issues for a minute! I of course hurt her by saying this. But I think it will be ok.
I am just saying I think I deserve to breathe after all I have been through, it wasn't but a month ago I was in the bottom of hell, and didn't know if I would come out. And I don't know if I will stay well, or go into another psychosis...meaning its like I don't know how much time I have on the actual earth. I don't want to spend my time listening to sad stories, I feel sad stories to my core, I take on other's pain in a very deep spiritual burden way. I had a job with homeless teens for a month, before I couldn't handle the pain. Enough pain. Enough sickness. Enough lives ripped apart and brutalized. I know I want to be an activist for mental health, but I figured out that I cannot be the counselor, or the social worker, I cannot be the one on the front lines like that. That is called "Direct Service." The work I did for AmeriCorps Vista was indirect and I very much loved it...prospered spiritually and socially. To end this paragraph I just now that right now I want to feel fulfilled and do things that bring me joy...and if being around people less does that for me, then I feel blessed to have been brought to this point! Its kinda weird little turn of events for me! And no not all my 800 FB friends need to know all about it. So what I am sober and love it, lol.
I still have to two self helps for court...that's a lot less than I have put into me for two years. And I now have a pretty amazing male psychologist, that thinks I am amazing too! He has helped me more in two months than the transpersonal therapist in a year. This woman literally handed me a handout about soul mates the day after the restraining order hearing. First time that hit my brainwaves about Adam, and guess who wrote about it being true for the next 8 days until I went straight to heaven? Not a bad trip though. A few days after the hearing, I gave her permission to talk to him and she threw me under the bus, talked poorly about me and said I could get violent. She knew me two months, a stigmatic therapist...told a man who was already wigged out by me, violence might happen. Then she asked him to make her a back pack...yes this man is multitalented, but seriously? Unfortunently I found this out about her 6 months later in my discovery. An email she sent to Adam after they met. In it she said "Yes Adam I do think you are helping Miranda." Yeah I liked hearing that. But I was so angry and hurt she told him I was potentially a violent person, I got bent on suing her for awhile. I eventually got over it, didnt want to ruin her life over it because she did try in her own way. She also told a mutual friend I was sick and to stay away, Well freakin duh I came to see you for a reason, but not your job, nor ethical! I do have enough evidence to sue her in her own writing! Just saying, but right now I am the felon...right?
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