Wow, either something is leaving me or my computer skills have gone shabby in prison. Yes prison. Three years have passed since I started this book, and there is a story in there somewhere that has been held in me for months while trying to assimilate a normal life. I am here in my own home, its unpacked, there is nothing on the walls and I today am inspired! I am 42. Not 39, and I have come into my own on the “realness” of depression. Sad to say I cannot say any of this in therapy, but I hate being normal and I hate missing Jake. I’ve come to see that pissing my pants in laughter listening to him, somehow beats this life of futility...I want to meet him in the stars. But then there is Adam. I think of him too, he is out there...somewhere. I don’t know if he is in California meeting a guy on a beach that gives him the clues to get back to me or what, but there was that story I once made up about a Clark blue baby cap, and part of the trilogy of lost souls looking for one another. You know the one for my son, from another man. The part of me that can’t imagine any other life than that with my soul mate...the one that is alive. That one that got away from me, after touching my heart so.
So I wrote a book to him. So what? I haven’t written in months. I’ve been couped up in a sober living home...I wondered when the bug would hit. When I would actually use this laptop I just bought. Its been sitting idle, waiting for the day when I would catch a NETFLIX series called “Maniac.” This show illuminated me. I binge watched at my brother’s house overnight and to say it touched me is an understatement. The fantasy is real. The love is real. The engagement of souls is beyond real. And I do believe my Legalas is real...as I saw him there in the mirror with me locked in a cage. Locked in the intake buzzing around the mirror seeing all sorts of faces in costume but not imagined. Hallucinated maybe, but I am screamed out his name! “Legolasssssssss....” As you know Adam looks like Orlando Bloom whom played Legolas in the Lord of Rings. I don’t know if he still does? He could be tore up from a hard life...it has been seven years since I have seen him. But in my dreams he is the same...someone who touched my life, and it will never be undone.
Maybe it is fantasy, but I still have love for him. I believe whole heartedly that he is my soul mate. Casting shadows on me, as I am stiffly medicated for my sorrows. It was behind prison walls that I saw this world for what it was...bleak, terrfying and lonesome. I walked the path in the yard like a zombie...alone, terrified and lonesome. I would sometimes laugh at all the funny things I was going to have to say about the situation “live” on Facebook after I came out of prison. But it all stopped being funny after 18 months of being locked up. I thought it was funny when young girls would ask me about my “stalking” charges. “Like what does that actually entail.” I think it ironic that I laugh and say it was really no big deal, just some texts and a topless picture and OH MY what have I done six years later to deserve to be here? What did I do?
I violated my probation. I was plumb loca over Jake. I was running around town playing all sorts of games with him, to be described later...but they included meeting up at the psychward. Its either Jake or Adam, which do you thing is more likely, because I feel like I will die to know the love of one of these men.
I was found near the NICU...Lots of stories swirling on about this. Like as if I was trying to steal a baby. I had floated a stuffed turtle in the trout pond at Billings Clinic. That was my baby. A stuffed turtle. It floated, I’ve tried to bring everything imaginable to that hospital. Because its where we meet. Because I see souls shifting there. I’ve got lots of pictures of this soul shifting stuff...I see it in my non reality, “Concord.” I see it in my dreams and visions, but it illudes me now as I drift off into Flatt. As I see it the one thing keeping me here is my children. I live alone miles from them, but the every other weekend allowance keeps me here...keeps me wishing on a star that I can write something that will be a hit. That will be a “Maniac” type show on Netflix.
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