Crash Around Both

Directionless and wandering...wondering whats gonna happen.  Here I sit.  I try in so many directions and go to so many places in my mind and here I am just quite normal.  Ive been placed in a group home after being in the state hospital and I have been in Flatt the whole time.

Yes.  Just feel lost.  Ive lost all direction on my book because I started it a year ago with a completely different mindset.  The mindset change is that I have possibly been in a dreamlike state in psychosis and alot of things that were adding up for me to be important spiritually are now in my head as if a dream that did not matter and that there is no making sense of.

Just too far out, even for me some of the hallucinations I was seeing and "singing' in the jail cells.  I don't know how it happens that I cross into different planes, but they make no sense!  Just saying they do at the time and I flow through the imagination wildly...and I guess I've just come to that my mind "dreams while awake."  It is expansive and huge and limitless, but causes so much grief! I also have my children in mind and this wild ride needs to stop!

I am on meds and plan to get a shot once a month for medication.  I don't know whats going to happen but I am trying my best to move on from the story in some way.  That means no longer focusing on Adam or Jake and just trying to live reality based. I will still write a book about all the adventures, but I guess I've come to I want to write them from the perspective of being healed from it and no longer wrapped up in it so much because the results of allowing myself to be wrapped up in an illness have been disastrous.

I did think it was interesting and intriguing to have two worlds but its just too much and I am institutionalized and I hate it. I don't know whats gonna happen or if I can even stopped the fantasy, all I know is that it is stopped now!  Will just have to see what God has in store.

Meanwhile I have to rebuild my life.  I need a laptop and TV and those seem to be dispensable things to my other world.  

God help.  God you have the answers. Help me find meaning in reality!