Chapter One Turtle Suit
So there I was in a Turtle Suit...and
`ssd if you don't know what a Turtle Suit is, maybe you've never been to jail, and mentioned in front of a guard “I just feel like dying” It was a flippant comment in my unbelievable misery of being in such a place, and the “turtle suit” is a disgusting piece of long-green-baggy foam that they throw over you, after they strip you completely naked. Now I like to be naked for other reasons...but that day, for eight hours I was in a disgusting germ infested holding cell crying in a Turtle Suit, and feeling those germs all over me...spinning out, waiting for psych to clear me. I wasn't suicidal though because my head could twist my reasoning for being in that cell into another realm of existence, and its a peculiar twist, because I wasn't in jail for a typical reason. I was in jail because I loved a man in a deep way that I didn't completely understand at the time, and I couldn't leave him alone the way he wanted. By law I am considered a Felony Stalker for seven texts and a topless picture after a protective order from this man I only had in my life for a short time. How may you ask does that happen? And how did I realize those germs in the Turtle Suit were there to help me? Well you see I got a wicked “infection” in my brain about 20 years ago...and the medical field calls it a Bipolar Psychosis...I call it a spiritual gift, and I want to tell you all about it. The lesson about the Turtle Suit? Just never be a “whiner” in jail. Toughen up buttercup...and that I have, indeed. I am still a buttercup, but with some sharper edges now. A protective sense in the world beyond my alcoholic youth. Very blunt about the world I live in..and I will tell it as it is. I will begin with some background information and then I want to tell you the actual stories from my psychoses and the world it creates for me.
`ssd if you don't know what a Turtle Suit is, maybe you've never been to jail, and mentioned in front of a guard “I just feel like dying” It was a flippant comment in my unbelievable misery of being in such a place, and the “turtle suit” is a disgusting piece of long-green-baggy foam that they throw over you, after they strip you completely naked. Now I like to be naked for other reasons...but that day, for eight hours I was in a disgusting germ infested holding cell crying in a Turtle Suit, and feeling those germs all over me...spinning out, waiting for psych to clear me. I wasn't suicidal though because my head could twist my reasoning for being in that cell into another realm of existence, and its a peculiar twist, because I wasn't in jail for a typical reason. I was in jail because I loved a man in a deep way that I didn't completely understand at the time, and I couldn't leave him alone the way he wanted. By law I am considered a Felony Stalker for seven texts and a topless picture after a protective order from this man I only had in my life for a short time. How may you ask does that happen? And how did I realize those germs in the Turtle Suit were there to help me? Well you see I got a wicked “infection” in my brain about 20 years ago...and the medical field calls it a Bipolar Psychosis...I call it a spiritual gift, and I want to tell you all about it. The lesson about the Turtle Suit? Just never be a “whiner” in jail. Toughen up buttercup...and that I have, indeed. I am still a buttercup, but with some sharper edges now. A protective sense in the world beyond my alcoholic youth. Very blunt about the world I live in..and I will tell it as it is. I will begin with some background information and then I want to tell you the actual stories from my psychoses and the world it creates for me.
I've been told I have a mental illness
since the age of 18...ewww that's deplorable! I don't believe I have
this “mental” defect, without a purpose. I was basically always
told after my first demonic psychosis, to “take these pills and
forget about it.” And then I didn't have any therapy...just booze!
And so it went on that way for 16 years. A repetitive cycle of
success and failure mingled with my alcoholism. I never talked to
much about it to anyone. Kept it all inside me...the places I had
been in my mind, because my experiences lasted about two weeks and I
would then snap out of it and go on with life like it had never
happened. Where I went four times in those 16 years I call “Hell.
Now maybe none of these “Hell” trips would have made sense to
me, but now I have also been to “Heaven.” I believe my psych, or
my soul is split straight down the middle...my right side of my brain
talking to my left side of my brain, maybe. My heaven and hell. I
believe my bipolar is a split in my soul, right into two sides, but I
have come to believe it is more like fractured. So I hear voices,
but only once in awhile...I am not considered schizophrenic. I
believe I am hearing souls, but all I am told is that this is a
chemical imbalance. Do I believe that? No. How could I? That is
“hogwash” to cover up the spirituality of those termed “mentally
ill.” To devalue and demean their experiences. What I do believe is
that I can cross dimensions into spiritual realms. If it were
chemical only, maybe meds would stop it. They don't always stop me
from my experiences, as you will have the pleasure of hearing about!
Yes some medications shut off the “valve” I have to the spirit
world, but I am so convinced there is a greater purpose in all our
insanity, than to just be stifled and medicated away. And I am in my
process of discerning this in my life at the age of 39...hoping to
decide on a direction to go, while living in a world built around
institutions formidably stating I must be a participant of “The
Machine” that is modern medicine. From here out I will refer to
the “my mental illness,” as “my gift,” this will not only
help me fight stigma, it will help you the reader assimilate, that
maybe what is going on isn't a “sickness” but in fact something
of value.
So I have been able in psychoses since
2013 been able to separate the places I go into “realities” or
realms. This is an altered state of consciousness that happens in
the very same surroundings, of Billings, MT. One realm I call ConCord
is Utopian, a seamlessly whole society where no one is sick and there
are no ailments. No need for the medical field and when I go there
it seems the hospital is like a museum where people are making fun of
the items that people used to use to stay well. Everyone is
beautiful and there is zero aggression towards others. Crime does
not exist. If I happen to hear anything going on that is bad when I
am in this reality, I think it is made up and staged and not really
happening. I cross in and out of realities without really knowing
that other people aren't experiencing the same things. In fact it
seems everyone is on the same wave as me.
This computer I write on, and the plane
of existence you are reading it from is what I call the World of
Flatt. This is the plain of reality that most adhere to and
challenge me to believe. And for some reason in this Flatt World,
unknown to me at the time, I was extremely attracted to an
impoverished vagabond with some intricate talents, five years ago.
We dated briefly, we broke up. Should have been the end of the
story. Always was the ending to all my stories, and I had never
really cared much for men. But for some reason I was lead to write
this particular man a 300 page “Love Letter.” I wrote to him
daily for five months and kept it to myself. It was about my life,
sobriety struggles and understanding why he meant so much to me. Why
it all happened? He made me blissfully happy, took me back to a
Junior High like, high. But he did not want to see me, after our
brief time together. After five months of writing to him which I
thought was so romantic, he helped me get to heaven in a psychotic
experience for the first time. And now that I can hear both
realms...and Flatt, I have been taken on a wondrous adventure of
discovery, and as the mystery unfolds it becomes clearer to me, that
I am not just a mentally ill disabled woman on welfare consuming
space in the continuum of care. I am spiritual. I am gifted and I
have an internal compass and expansive brain power, that was never
there before. My life adventures seemingly rival Frodo Baggins on
his journey through Middle Earth...and I haven't left the Billings,
MT area for about seven years. And this man lives down the street
from me in a run down shack and is a brick mason...he is one of my
fragmented soul mates, that I love, his name is Adam Raposa...the one
that taught me everything about my soul in great timing for a
internal revolution and ascension into realms of enlightenment. He
did for me what the sun does for the moon ...and in Flatt he has a
lifetime protective order in place. And that fits quite nicely into
the adventure, because I do not wage war in Flatt. I am nothing
here...besides a conduit...just a story teller, just one believer in
a world with ONE GOD and ONE LOVE that started with ONE CELL that
held two souls...that fragmented into many over time, into our
current day chaos. Intention being in Flatt...this bland world of
criminal activity, even so brings about God's Will. I am a warrior in
ConCord and a writer for ConCord. I have also traversed hell to fully
understand that I am vital to some ending where we all cross over in
ConCord as one...Heaven on Earth. God's Kingdom built upside down
and backwards, where the generations are all calculated, and the end
is the beginning, is the end.
I believe there is a swirling and
mixing of souls which has created families of souls linked by genetic
codes of DNA to be in what I call the “Ourglass,” Think of how
an hourglass can sift back and forth, allowing more or less to one
side at time. All of eternity is included in this. And we are all
mixed between Flatt, ConCord and Hell. It is a sifting of
reincarnated souls that goes beyond space and time. As a believer in
Jesus it was difficult for me to process considering
reincarnation...but in 2013 when I was taken to heaven I began having
my first distinct memories of past lives. I remember being in
biblical times, being a cave woman, living in a castle in medieval
times. I have died on a sunken ship and been in a concentration
camp. I have been a slave on a slave ship. And ultimately I
remember the Garden of Eden. Now I am not saying I am “The Eve.”
If everyone could remember and communicate with the realms, then
everyone would remember. And have seen evolution in the Garden,
which was at Lake Anita out in the middle of nowhere. I believe I saw
how it happened and all along it was only Adam and Eve there is the
garden while God created all creatures of water, earth and sky.
So here I am in Flatt. I am a guinea
pig for our wondrous medical field. In the past five years I would
say I have visited the psych ward 20 times. I have been sober. And
in past months medication was not working at all I have been having
heavy hallucinations and visions, and I talk to a dead man and
prepare little parties for his arrival back to me. But it gets more
complicated than that. I love two men. We will just say I have a
“Team Jacob” And “Team Adam” kind of thing going on. Jacob
(Jake) Black is a ghost, my best friend in the sixth grade...who
committed suicide as a man of 23. And Adam Raposa is living, but well
a “ghost to me” and restrained from contact for life. Adam is the
one that taught me I had a deep soul, which in turn gave me the
ability to know I could cross realms in order to find Jake. And
apparently as I keep getting slammed back to Flatt, in truest of
true, neither men I love are available to me. And there in lies the
fairytale. And it could easily be a fairytale that turns me to an old
maid that is insane to Flatt, and much prefers the rhythm of talking
to the universe, over the dull knife to the mind that medication
brings me. It is a severance I pay for to keep my family happy and
parent my children in some fashion...but it is not where I am happy.
And I don't believe it is why I was created. If I could combine
insanity with a portion of financial security besides welfare and
disability, well...well just being me would put food on the table in
an American Dream kind of way. But for now...I sit, I write and I
take my medicine.
I sit, I write and I take my medicine.
“Holding Sale”
She is screaming silent in the
light.No ruffled feathers, or notice they, that Eve.
Oh fine. Yes I am good she says...
That's a solid answer and they are satisfied.
Not recognizing the thin line, they have
created from her love traded hate.
Eve treads this line tip toe, and awaits for time.
Ourglass sands sift ever faster, and she worries for Adam.
Ever Adam, never of jealousy...justice true care.
Even deserved? No matter she does anyway.
If Adam said to Eve stop loving me, I hate you.
Of course the sun would say to the moon, stop coming around,
You are trespassing on my busy work!
So busy pushing ahead.
All but forgotten yesterdays.
Nothing but numbers and measures.
Nothing but labels on packages of fear.
When truth be told, right from wrong is a choice.
When you can't wake up, it's me holding you in your sleep.
And this connection is the vibration of all time...
It is the energy you feel when you breathe.
And the anger you thought was for me, was their ridicule.
It's up for sale, this holding pattern.
It's a ship in the night, searching for apples...
The apple of My eye.
Twenty fifth May...be the emotion all sobriety date.
I don't surely say I love a man in a book, for nothing.
I sat in a holding cell.
Seeds and solitude.
Ourglass is in God's hands.
When the eclipse comes of that thin line of Eve's love received hate.
The busy sun will say "thank you moon...I was tired, and it is getting late."
For the Someday Eve will write other stories,
and accept that her silent scream, has pierced the darkness of the other realm.
And that is more, than more than enough to ask of her Adam.
If fate, and wind...made the sun kiss the moon...
Makes the world turn,
So she will thank him for the story line, and HOLD ON AND SAIL.
Stiegen Fur de Mond.
Chapter Two
I've been to Hell and back. And lived.
Never cut. Never tried to kill myself. Driven drunk hundreds of
times. I have even been run over by a car...something is protecting
me from death in all this trial. Something far greater than luck, and
with this great luck I really yo-yo back and forth between blessings
and curses, in such a profound way that I have to sometimes just
laugh at the extremes. And sometimes the laughing turns to tears of
frustration. For months at a time I will have everything going my
way, be on top and then shortly there after any, and everything goes
wrong. So this is part of my psychosis. The way I believe or
perceive blessings, magic and fate. So my mind takes me to places and
it twists and turns, and suddenly I am the wearer of something quite
like what would take Gollum to the bottomless pits, and make men
cross swords. My very own “My Precious.” Something that makes
me atypical...a twist of the mind that leads me through worlds beyond
the pain and rejection of a legal order telling you, a man is afraid,
or a certain promise in the back of one's mind that makes them
believe that a hard knock life, is really doable...and maybe
eventually somewhat promising. As well a valuable. “My Precious”
un-explainable existence...my quest.
Yes, I believe it is like a ring. And I
was measured for a ring in an odd way by Adam on our first date in
December 2012. He was sizing me up, for ConCord. He was a criminal
and much like all of ConCord, an upside down and backwards built
prince. I had gotten sober from alcohol and I met him in the rooms
the year before. We went to Brunos Italian, he said he “didn't
talk much.” He had brooding eyes, and stared in an entrancing deep
thought kind of way. After dinner he wanted to show me his leather
work. You know how you make designs in leather, and he does it
beautifully. Well he was going to make me a leather belt with my name
on it. He needed to measure my waist. He knelt down on one
knee...and used a metal tape measure. “Ai yai yai.”..something
happened in that moment to me. Something magical...something like the
whole little shack swirling around me and being lifted off the
ground. He was simply kneeling there measuring my waist with a metal
tape measure and that's like almost “stupid?” And yet, I was
physically electrified by this simple scene. Turned on...freaked
out! It was a new sensational experience to me, liked something that
had been turned “OFF” in me all my life had suddenly been slammed
into the “ON” position. And so I immediately thought “I need
to go, now!” “Hope the belt turns out cool, OK bye!” “Gotta
go.” And I bolted out of his house...Wow. And I still want that
leather belt! But I don't think he remembers the measurements of me
from that metal tape measure. And that moment wasn't his, it was
mine. Like something of destiny and history and magic for me. Kind
of like the time he passed me a coin and I literally felt a bolt of
electricity from the graze of our hands. But he didn't feel that,
this was for me...my gig...my time...my rebirth process...into a
strange new creature. A Woman.
When I was fifteen my virginity was
raped in pretty non violent way, and yet I believe that is what
separated my mind between good and evil. I was that Freshman
cheerleader great student-athlete that turned to drugs and alcohol by
Junior year. What happened to me made me lose all my value in who I
was as a female for many years. I didn't even understand that I was
attractive, other than when I was drunk. I've had an over in
vigorous amount of PTSD therapy relating to how that, and being
molested at seven affected my sexuality. And I wouldn't even have
known all this...had I not been charged with stalking Adam. What I
discovered was that since the rape I could not let myself feel touch
and so the majority of my experiences I was drunk...and it lead to
such a can of worms in my head that those worms could have probably
taken over the ecosystem. And the feelings with Adam, was never
just about sex,it was also about hugging or cuddling on a couch,
which I had never gotten much of...I didn't know about affection. I
also didn't know that his touch was healing to me...until I did. He
gave me undeniably the best hug I had ever had...in my kitchen, after
he saw my “rented” violin I was trying to learn to play again. I
still remember what he was wearing that night. It's hug that will go
down in history... well my history at least. This is what I wrote
about in 2014.
“So
this was all I ever needed in my soul and mind to feel accepted into
God’s Kingdom. My way wandered all around the world. I
have been trapped in many periods of history, many different races,
and cultures. All to get to heaven. My
spiritual solution, to a mental problem. But you are never
going to believe what happens to me when we play Naked Twister. But
wait we are fully clothed, you in a Car Heart…orangish, tannish
sweatshirt, gnarly genes, and splattered up work boots, and are at
first hugging me in my kitchen. Then we sit on the couch,
and I put my fallen out thin blonde curly hair close to your thick
black locks. Then your lips touch mine and you ask me “YES, OR NO?”
So I touch your left ribbed Evil Centaur, with all five fingers of my
right hand. This is determined to be a safe touch, based on the
quality of your spleen in that quadrant, and how I know, is medical
school. Your lymph system is healthy, but I have sensed your
frailness lately, and know that if we went back to that time, I could
touch my left ring finger, to your Umbilicus Wizard and you would be
restored to grandeur. So when the electricity happens with the
friction of “yes,” I was telecommunicated spiritually into
another realm. If ye shall believe me…it was that night. Two days
after I asked God, then all in two weeks later, now almost two years,
and my heart remembers your beat. I hear the thump, thump, thump,
when I put my head under water. In Utero, like blood of the
ventricles connected in blue, because you know that blood is blue
until it reaches oxygen. Blue like my eyes. Crazy, but I
can still feel the flow of yours coursing through my cerebrum, and it
lit it up like a Christmas Tree, repeatedly. This is only
a type of energy conserved through ancestry. I tell you
this Adam, because on that Eve, I was a virgin. I was rising up, to
become a woman. No longer sick. And then the oxygen, the
gasp for air, like the slap on the back of a newborn, deep and
invigorating. And it took me there.”
****************************************************************************************
Adam and I had been together in December and I had broken up with
him to work on myself with a three page letter. We had been together
four weeks...and I thought he needed a three page letter! During the
time in between that and this occurrence I had been reading a book
about the restoration of purity through prayer and forgiving
yourself. I prayed with everything in me that God would restore what
was taken from me. I wanted be fifteen again and make the decision
not to go for a ride with my best friend's older brother and that
awful Whitehorse Bench Road, where it all happened. I must have been
channeling energy and reversing some demons with that prayer because
the night I described above is absolutely a marker in my life
history. And again I know that this is my stuff...he had no way to
understand the impact he was having on me. And very shortly all this
came to an end...
February lasted two weeks. I was selling my pain prescription to friends, and Adam is a bank robber on parole...he said he couldn't have that in his life and that I needed to make a decision to stop. I owed someone $200 and I was on disability. I asked him to help me pay this back and I would stop doing it. I had been doing this for about five months and it was completely out of my league. Very easy money, but very dangerous and Big Pharma pushes it in our society. He wouldn't help me. He asked me to leave. That was February 11, 2013. The next day I got my fill. Paid back the money. I was so upset I took some pills, which I couldn't stand, or handle, and did not like the feeling at all. I called him, he was upset...wasn't having it. I never got the a prescription again after that day. I was convicted by God and Adam that is was totally something I should not be doing and that if I was gonna have good sobriety, I had to get completely honest in all things. And unfortunately Adam was never really nice to me again. Except to say to me as he walked away in the Cook parking lot...”Take five months and see if your life gets better.” Those words churned in my head for years really...and the way he walked? Just the way he carried himself, well that is something that never goes away from me.
Exactly a year to the date, I was brought in chains from the jail. I thought I was leaving early in the morning and they chained my hands and ankles and said don't ask questions, we are taking you to court. Yes, February 11, 2014. I had bed head. He was so angry about a trip to Heaven and texting him after a protection order of six months...that every time I would try to say something he would put up his hand and glare at me, like he wasn't even willing to hear what I had to say. And in a phone conversation he had said just that to me. He called me a liar, that I was “all lies,” and he “wasn't listening to a word I had to say.” Yes, soul mates can be hard on you and you can still love them...which has been a very difficult thing for me to explain to the general population. Adam believed I was “defrauding disability” that I wasn't mentally ill. And I guess when I told him things like I had been a Volunteer in Service to America for the City of Billings- Mayor's Committee on Homelessness, and an Ultrasound Tech and worked in Radiology for six years, it must have sounded like lies? He didn't believe anything was wrong with me. He didn't believe I had an illness. Well. Looky...looky here boy! And I think he called me “welfare trash.” And that struck my Achilles nerve to the bone.
I was raised in this fine poverty system. Shoutout to my birth Projects, WhiteCenter, Seattle. Daddy didn't want to believe he had conceived me until I looked him up at 18. Not a unique story in this day and age. 1978. The broken world at my fingertips, I was extremely gifted in this poverty system of American Dreams. I had plans to be the richest doctor with a pool and a big fancy house,and fabulous vacations and I was the first little girl to raise her hand and know the answer to every question. I read a book a day it seems for years. I was brilliant and socially awkward. I was never going to be poor like my mom and step dad. You bet your ass I was moving to the top of the food chain. And after all, here in America if you just try really hard and apply your talents, that is what we are told is going to happen! And I believed that with my whole heart. And then I walked it out. Did seven years of college with $72,000 in student loans. I cashiered and "barristered" my way to my dreams. I pushed gurneys in a hospital to eventually be sponsored through ultrasound school. And when all my book knowledge couldn't make me be able to scan a baby, but instead I was seeing angels in demons in utero??? Well what do you do with that? You volunteer for the government and start a new path! Two years, I rocked the City of Billings...helping all those poor, drunk, mentally ill people. Planning large scale events and running teams of committees to help the under served populations. I was a superstar and after volunteering my time I was highly sought after...could have had just about any job in this town I wanted. I was even hired as a Director of a non-profit to help reduce recidivism among female offenders. Weird. And ironic. Just makes me believe in this reincarnation world...we all have to wear every hat! I am down. I clean rich peoples toilets and pretend its my pool. There will be more about my ability to become the size of a germ later...
And now I am a felon, for a pretty weird reason. My sentence is deferred and I will be off probation after seven years systematized. Was this journey worth it? Yes it was. My love may be illegal. Its all a legal matter really...but if I hadn't gone through all this without Adam being estranged from me...I would have never learned all the things I have, or experienced realms of existence beyond Flatt. I wouldn't even have this story to tell at all! I maybe wouldn't even be a writer. I would not have gotten strong in spite of an exposed mental illness. I would not be brave...I might even be dead. And this 'opening up” of my third eye so to speak happened because of what I experienced with Adam...and though its been very difficult, I would not change the course. There is blessing in all. I like me today. I am OK that I am crazy sometimes, in fact it is so intriguing to me that really I prefer that place. My expanded venue of explorable realities is a priceless gift, and I accept that it makes me different and that I border the edge of being locked away...or making lots of money on it and live out my Fairytale. No in between for an alcoholic! I accept what has happened, as what was supposed to happen. I hold no resentments. I am better for having experienced “illegal love.” Haha, it makes me feel like a witch about to be burned at the stake though! Let's talk a little about what it is like being in a Mental Health Treatment Court for two years for falling in love.
Chapter 3
My first trip to heaven lasted over a month in 2013 and it was amazing and enlightening for a first experience with it. It was totally worth becoming the degradation of society in Flatt...but it took me a long time to realize that. About five years. It took a lot of writing and self searching and God to get through all this. I went to jail 5 times and I had never been in trouble before. I was fully exposed in having a mental illness in a Mental Health Treatment court setting for two years for two texts after a restraining order. They didn't understand me at all. Looked at the surface. Looked at me well kept, and pretty to look at. Looked at my degrees...thought I had a nasty obsession with a man because I was “desperate.” Thought my illness “was not that bad...” and that I needed to pull my shit together. I tried so hard in their “program!” I peed in a cup and breathalyzed about five days a week before ten am, even in demonic psychosis. My crime was committed sober. And they never recognized my sobriety. And by the time I should have graduated, I had three years without drinking. The drug addicts and DUI offenders got clapped for and coins and granola bars for their effort...but never me, because I would get dilutes because of my lithium. A dilute is not a positive it is only an unreadable test. I was cold ass sober the whole time. I had a doctors note for my dilutes...and they ignored them. A stipulation for graduation was to have at least 90 days of sobriety, I once had 89 days without a dilute. And on the 89th day got a dilute. They weren't flexible with that? They didn't phase me up from the first phase in 22 months of me jumping through their hoops. Never graduated me. Almost two years of my life and effort did not count and I was revocated on my felony sentence which was for five texts and a picture. I was burnt. Destroyed. Humiliated in that court for two years and they can't give me my Suave Shampoo or granola bar prize, and the actually graduate me? Humph!
Being in the treatment court did teach me a lot about myself. Not necessarily what they were doing because I don't think they had a clue what to do for me...and had little awareness of what happens to me. The reason it helped is it exposed me in a profound and forceful ego stripping way, that maybe could have killed me. And it didn't! I had never really been exposed about having a mental illness. And since it has gotten worse in the past five years, I had to have that happen I suppose. Because I had always hidden my illness and never identified with it, having weekly court sessions and going to the hospital seven times during all that was a “do or die” process. This “thing” I have is not for the weak. But if I had never gotten my own voice and skin by being mortified pretty much daily about the exposure...well I wouldn't have the guts to be sitting here doing a “tell all,” about my special sort of insanity, that used to embarrass me. And by now so much has happened I just have to accept that this is how God made me, and he made me this way for a purpose.
Signing in from my ConCord perspective... well this is a covert operation, and please don't think we pee in cups for no reason! Hundreds of thousands of people giving samples daily. Ah yes...and our blood, taken freely from our veins for all sorts of reasons!!! I will gladly give you a sample of my product. Its a link back to my soul mate! Flush away! Flush sperm... and blood...its DNA. If you don't think DNA is important...was the Holocaust an important event, or not? Because if you think we can clone animals and play with fertility without the Holocaust experiments, and all those people dying, then you do not understand the roots of modern day medicine. And there is a cure to cancer. It's found in DNA! And you think God doesn't keep track of Birth, Marriage, Death, Birth, Marriage, Death? Well most people write them in bibles. And I didn't say keeps track of your life. I didn't say it is based on how you live your supposed one life!
And now we have Ancestry.com...and we know who is related from centuries ago from a DNA sample! Why do we have all this knowledge? Because God made it. And he had a plan from the beginning. And ultimately what humans do and think is desecration and chaos, is all going to be for the good. And every soul goes to ConCord ...so stop being worried who is right or wrong. Stop saying 'your way” is the only way. Because every soul has had every experience under Heaven and Hell and in between...and in this journey we all arrive together. God Loves All. God can splice the beginning to the end, back to the beginning in the blink of an eye! And this is why I as a Christian that has never been taught about reincarnation, I've come to believe in it through psychosis. I believe in one love and we were fragmented from one cell in a way that we are all connected.
It
was love.
One
cell before it was named.
Wind
before it came.
What
was that?
It
was my heart beating!
Whats
a heart?
What
came?
We
did?
Who
was "we?"
It
was I?
My
eyes are blue...
What
color are yours?
Where
is my eye?
The
doctor can see it with a stethoscope light?
What's
your scope of practice?
Child
labor laws?
Say
that again?
Chores
around the house?
What
are you building?
Whats
a baby?
Whats
a baby?
I am
building an empire!
Surely
you remember the word empire?
Does
it have cells?
Yes
prison cells!
And
that machine can hear the heart beat?
Why
would you kill our empire?
Because
I can hear you in the trees and water.
We
will find each other again.
Now
repeat this faster...find me in a cell.
Sale!
Yard Cell!
Must
make some signs.
There
must be a way to explain love to people in the future.
They
must be able to see their eyes in their empires.
"Aye
Captain!"
"Si
CapITain!"
We
must have sign language!
Quick
make up a sign for the number "One"
What
is one?
I do
not compute "One?"
Oh
you know...data!
I
would just die if I didn't have you Adam...
Is
there a word for that?
No we
don't have a word for that at all...why?
Because
I am always with you,
Oh
that means "love..."
And
love means "one."
and
cell means?
One
love.
As far as my theories of reincarnation they have come to me over time. I just needed a way to understand how all souls go to heaven and this theory only began in me at the age of 34 because I experienced a place beyond imagination, heaven. And this place told me we have all been every tribe, nation, and tongue. I came about this revelation over sixteen years of life and the journey through heaven and hell began my senior year of high school. I had been smoking pot and it had always induced me into a truly paranoid state where I heard voices and thought the whole world could see my every move. On a night in November 1996 I went into my first psychosis because of pot. It lasted over a month and the doctors thought I may be permanently in that state of mind.
My psychosis at age 18 told me I would be the “one” in hell, yes “the only one.” I was told I was in hell and I would take on the sin of all of eternity, because I was the only one so evil, I did not deserve to have a soul mate to go to heaven with. And that all others had soul mates. This soul mate thing was not something I was ever taught in church or really ever believed in. It was all churned up in this psychotic process. The demonic taunted me. They told me I was so low as an entity that I was the lowest germ, on the bottomless pit of hell...and that I would never be able to get to heaven because I was undeserving of love. I was the damned...and I was alone. Every evil witch, every Jezebel and ever prostitute who had ever roamed the earth was embodied in me. I was the darkness.
Everything became about my sin, and being the whore of the earth, full of sickness. A murderess. A carrier of evil seed...it was terribly terrifying for me. I believed it was final judgment, and there was no differentiating my hallucinations from the world of reality around me. It was my burden and shame to walk with. I could see and hear everyone around me, even friends and family and everything they said twisted in my head to be evil about me. Media/TV was about me being evil as well. This may sound like a dream, but I assure you I was awake and living this out in an altered state of consciousness for over a month. I was damned to hell and alone and it was terrifying...It happened this very hellish way three more times in my life, and every time I would become catatonic and need to be taken to the hospital. The swirling around of fear was induced by visual and auditory hallucinations that would play out in my mind. They were not of movies, or things I had ever seen or understood, as in somehow being planted in my psyche. No, all were very new concepts to me, and every psychoses would streamline as a story connecting to one another, even though in Flatt years would go by between my visits to hell. It was ages eighteen, twenty, twenty- six and Thirty-one. So really I lived a fairly normal successful life between these visits to hell. And every time the only way out of hell was to pack items that would disarm my vices and speak good of me...and I must have a soul mate. So let's pack then???
So
didn't you know you must be packed and ready for judgment day? I had
always been left behind in hell, as the only one without a soul mate,
and I had always needed to pack things to get to heaven. In this evil
place where I can hear all of eternity yelling at me and mocking me,
I never knew what to pack. I would look around my room and every
item I thought to take would make me feel evil and empty, or would
not be of me. I didn't understand. It was always just me being told
to pack to go to the psych ward, but I could never do it because I
thought I was trapped in hell, and I would become catatonic with
fear. I would sit and stare at things around me...paralyzed. There
was no way I could atone for the things I was being told I had done,
with items of mine? And most definitely hear souls yelling at me
that I was the reason for all sin, the mother of sin, and I would be
the one to carry all the sin for eternity in hell. Try telling
yourself what items in your room would make that OK as an eighteen
years old? Or at my Aunts house at age 20, where all her “items'
were completely empty to me, staring at me like one big horrific tea
party. Or at thirty-one when you look at your child you had cheated
a barren woman out of, and he is really not yours to have, because
you destroy fertility? Oh what guilt! Just so heavy! Everything
related to the next and there was no stopping this judgment. I think
I remember looking at a sock, and the sock condemned me, it was my
son's. Always, always, everything I tried to figure out how to pack
my way out of this situation...it just made me feel that sin in me.
And part of me feels that the weight of all of eternity's sin does
somehow get absorbed into me because of the memories I carry. I
cannot explain because it is so completely heavy, and I am a sweet,
genuine-hearted person full of good intentions. There was no
differentiating this not to be really what was happening to me.
NONE. These trips to hell trips would last about two weeks and most
of that time my family would know to put me into psych.
Every time, all four trips to hell had
this as a base theme, every time I needed to pack for heaven. Every
time I could not. But then I found love, by writing to Adam. Love
that has never been reciprocated, but to me it is the most powerful
love of my life. And I really could not see it coming but I got to
pack for heaven in 2013! It really was like magic. And what started
me casually placing four items that reminded me of Adam into a pile.
I was not psychotic in that moment just more like a teenager doing
something because it was blissful-twitterpatting love! So just a few
things that reminded me of him and then I added a few of my things
too...and I was off! I was piling things up and I knew every single
item to take to heaven that represented who I was. It was “I know
what to do!” 'It's happening” “This is the end.” I ended up
packing a crate full of things that had meaning to me and I found
them all in my little apartment. Little knickknacks, childhood
memories, things of my children and so on. And Adam was for sure my
soul mate and I got to go to heaven! I was relieved of my evil seed!
Halleluyah! And I wrote on the crate our birthdays and “million
dollar” love story...and I was sure of this and that is was
something I had been waiting for my whole life.
I was beyond joyful, as I always am in
heaven. I experienced that realm for a month, and even in the
hospital twice I knew nothing but bliss, fame and relief...the whole
story I had been told in previous psychosis was flipped upside down.
I was not evil. I was a princess and child of God redeemed. In
hallucinations and visions, I saw my scars disappear, and was
“reborn” and in my mother's womb talking with God. My brain was
bringing up memories of past lives, and the seed that I had in me was
of good, not evil. I saw my life play backwards, missing the parts
that I always thought defined me as “not good enough.” And I
call this my spirit reel...the way God sees me, and to watch that and
understand who I was created to be was an apical moment.
The evolution of this process coming
about in 2013 with my first trip to heaven and subsequent psychosis
has been so enlightening, that there has come about me a love for all
humanity, that had never been there before. I was extended into a
place that did not see deformity, or homosexuality, or autism, any
considered illness, I could not see it anywhere in the world...as if
I was seeing in souls, not shells. I no longer feared differences
between me and others in a way to feel relevant, as I never had
before. No measurements of others based on me, and my internal
compass just knew this was so relevant as to who I was to
become....and for what I would come to believe in which is
reincarnation. And I have always been taught not to believe this.
I have become a completely different
person in a matter of five years and I don't think it is just because
I got sober from alcohol. I feel like who I am and the things I
think about have expanded my brain cells exponentially. Its made me
super odd, But I am OK being odd. I have been tossed up in the sea,
sinking or swimming with criminals, addicts and I am reminded daily
that I am an alcoholic. My psychotic journey has opened up my mind to
the possibilities of realms, I have never been taught. I was raised
Christian, and even in my first book, “Fairytale of A Felony
Stalker,” I was a complete Jesus Freak and desperately wanting Adam
to convert. And now with all my experiences I believe that all of
human souls were fractured from one cell, and that we all have lived
many lives. In particular we have all in one life believed in Jesus.
We have all been every color, held every attribute, been poor, been
rich. So all the fighting in the world is for not...because we have
all fought from every stance we are all related. And I believe souls
are searching for matches and to this point it has become very
technical because we now understand DNA.
I also believe that God built his
kingdoms backwards, so that the current state of the world is upside
down and when the final crossover happens, we will match up with our
end soul mates.. and in a blink of an eye all will be set right. I
only truly understand the workings of this when I go into
psychosis...which I have been in and out the past four years. I think
I've been in psychosis about 20 times. And they last weeks to a
month. When something this powerful is unlocked in your soul, you
can't really contain it. I have had heaven as well as hell
psychoses. I've heard quite a lot from the spiritual realm. And yet
when I snap out of it, I have the people of Flatt just all convincing
me I am insane...”take these meds."
But for me, I believe medication keeps
me from being who I am supposed to be. And that is has blocked a
needed revelation in me for twenty years. This is surely from my
soul and not a chemical imbalance. I am tired of being fed bullshit
and guesses of why it happens to me...and I don't think Western
medicine truly has all the answers, and they are making guinea pigs
out of people like me and controlling people in the most terrible
ways.
Chapter 5
So all this rattling around about my
Adam? All this caged fighting in my head and heart pounding out key
strokes for strongholds in my soul? If it weren't for that love maybe
I wouldn't have been able to reach past the unknown into the dark
recesses of recesses of yesterdays. It was there I was in the sixth
grade...and I said wow! Because when I said “wow” about Adam it
brought me back to a boy named Jake. He was the most popular jock
and I, was a sweet little nerdling that happened to have a knack for
sports and got play with the boys that year. And we did have
something dynamic the two of us...really we did, and it was so
innocent and sweet...just how love should be. I just remember our
smiles lighting up each others' worlds. I don't get to remember much
more about the sixth grade other then getting to hang out with the
“in crowd” and Jake's smile. Four years after my summer romance
with Adam, and almost out of no where I began dancing with a ghost.
I've missed Jake most my life and fifteen years ago, he committed
suicide at 23 and what a shame because I believe he was supposed to
be mine.
I saw him twice after grade school
games of Lightning and Four Square, and in a short time when it was
cool to compete in class with the brains. Where I saw him last was
at a bar called Desperadoes and he didn't much talk to me other than
to say hi...until 2am. Well at 23 one would assume what he was after
at closing time...but my memory of the way he grabbed my hand and
asked me to just go talk with him...well its maybe that's what haunts
me so? Maybe the way I threw his hand away from mine and said “go
home Jake you are drunk,” is like the actual last thing that I said
to my heart? Because connections in time tell me that even in that
moment when he reached out to me he was fighting his own death. And
there I was in my own abuse cycle and I threw his hand away...a hand
that was reaching for me. ME? Yes, me.
How do I know? Well in the ins and
outs of being crazy and obsessed with having Adam return my love I
would go to the hospital. And every time I was insane...well, it
would be Jake in my mind, so I like to think of Adam as my escort
driver! I remember one time plainly I was having dreams of Jake and
I heard “Black, Wake up!” And I raced out of my room to the
nurses station and asked them to pull up his obit on Google...and
they could not find a picture! I would not believe he was dead...I
went home and I just knew that he would be picking me up, and boy did
I get pretty! I spent two-three hours shaving and primping and
somewhat twirling in the mirror like a princess...and kind of how I
always presumed Adam was gonna show up on my doorstep, I had been
wrong it was supposed to be Jake. This is where my theory of my
reality splicing comes in...that somehow I was 16 again and we were
going on a date! Someone did pick me up who was also very good to
me, his name is Justin Fischer, I call him “Fish.” But when a
Heaven reality meets a Flatt reality, it leaves for a little
confusion!
My reality splice is configured
somewhere deep in me. I don't think its sick, I don't think it is
wrong...when you see I literally had visited Hell by the time I was
18. I remember one night listening to music in my room in 2014. I
imagined my painful memories of high school and drunkenness and
failed flings and the like... in pictures replaced with Jake. And we
went everywhere! I saw us at prom and I saw us in Italy...I saw us
with our toes on the sand (some beach some where) and so on...I saw
pictures of our wedding...and even our babies. And I don't know if I
more imagined this for him or for me...but it was a great big life
full of adventures. And because I could still see Jake's smile I was
able to make these pictures for us. The brainy jock and the brainy
cheerleader. What a pair we are! And the pictures in my mind were
flavorfully real and resonated in a place that needed healing.
I also splice in time. You know like
the “Wrinkle in Time” theory. Meaning I can see his hand holding
mine in the bar and see it almost pulling me through into another
reality. And as surreal and romantic as this sounds immediately I am
sucked through a movie like time warp and we are jumping off a cliff
into the ocean...and none of this time without him meant anything, or
IE never happened. Now you may think this simply delusional, but
when I fast forward to where we were this summer, maybe none of what
we see in the realm of Flatt is what it seems.
Maybe I just want that old fashioned
movie romance? Maybe my mind designs outcomes unfitting of common
placed reality? But in the realm of knowing there is a God, I think,
“why not” and “why not me?”
Chapter 6
So what woman doesn't want the love
triangle, you know where two men are passionately in love with her,
and however will she decide? Well that was me all this summer, just
like Bella Swan. The “Vampire” down the street or the “Wolf
Ghost Man?” When I was in my heavenly realms I was all about Jake
and then I would come down to Flatt reality and it would be about
Adam again. I did identify as Bella. Now I like to pretend that
Adam is all about watching me grow from afar, but honestly I think
he's more about me diving off a cliff with a pavement bottom. And
maybe its not ever so romantic that I believed he was a fine
gentleman worthy of my heart...who knew hearts weren't smart, right?
I digress and take all my love back! Um, not in this lifetime Like
afore mentioned escort delivery service! Splendid service...bravo
handsome!!! Anyway stop. Enough about Adam. Really. I'm Team
Jacob!
I don't really know how the clue
placement started happening between me and Jake but it did. Ok so a
little to do with my dollhouse. This eleven room dollhouse had been
gifted to me in 2015...something I had always wanted as a young girl.
It started out quite the project, paint and electricity...planning
for wallpaper and such. Here and there a hobby. I was offered to
help pack up a local dollhouse store that I had some stuff on layaway
at in April, and the first day I was there came a call about a
donation. A woman named Lee Franks, had wanted her dollhouse
collection donated to someone who would appreciate it. I gladly
answered the call with little expectation...but the items were
fabulous and and just the types of things I had always dreamed of
having in my house. My house suddenly came to life to me. I had been
gifted other items by Nancy, Jake's mom and well it had seemed like
“junk” to me at first glance, but it certainly danced through the
halls of my house at this time. Digging through the boxes I found
charm after charm, and seemingly enough these were all gifts from
Jake and he was literally telling me where to go to find things like
a treasure hunt in my very own apartment. In fact it wasn't just in
the dollhouse, it was everywhere I turned he was showing me things
with new eyes, and it was all wonder and amazement.
Now I don't if this was real, but let
me tell you it was fantastic to be talking to Jake! This extended
into about a month of conversing with him, searching for him,
crossing realms for him. One night I walked through a dark thick
field in flip flops...I simply had walked out my apartment not
knowing where the night was taking me, besides him. I fell on my face
and got right back up without a whim. I had on a black beaded
necklace with a large pink cross on it and headed up a street called
Lake Elmo. Everything was a clue leading me to him. On and on in
the middle of the night. I was headed to the Lake which is quite a
distance from my apartment. The stars were shining above and this
would not be the final attempt to reach him, but I stopped and
decided that he wouldn't make me walk that far in the night and I
left the necklace and cross in a yard while I sat there for awhile
and soaked up the scene. Jake and I had never been to Lake Elmo
together, in fact we'd never been anywhere around town besides
Boulder Elementary School...so I decided that was not where I would
find him. Nor would he make me walk that far...well in the night!
The next morning was full of clues from
him too. Now somehow Adam was involved in this too and there was a
coffee shop I was forbidden to attend because of a restraining order
on me, “Off the Leaf.” The restraining order was put in place in
2014 and I happened to live three blocks from this shop at that time.
I remember Adam following me out of the shop and leaning up against
the wall calling the cops as my boys and I were gathering up to
leave. If you think bumping into Adam at a coffee shop three blocks
from your home is not worth a felony, then you don't live in
Billings, MT and try to ease someone's mind about “please don't be
afraid of me.” Because that was pretty much an automatic felony! I
really didn't know I was scary at all at that time, but that was
before much more seriously scary stuff happened to me. I was put in
jail twice for that incident...once for a felony, and once for a
violation of probation. But anyway back to this summer...the name
had changed on this coffee shop from “Off the Leaf,” to “Beyond
the Cup,” and in short order as a mystery to be solved, I, “Nancy
Drew” caught a ride across town and got dropped off in my old
neighborhood, by my new neighbor. I was looking for Jake. Not Adam.
And I had Cheetos...Cheetos and cigarettes were our clues, and I
littered full cigarettes and Cheetos all the way to the shop. An
easy trail to find of course! And my constant urge for cigarettes?
That is a sign of devotion to our love! That feeling in my chest I
get when I want one? Its a sign we are connected. Another sign is
that when I go to Nancy's my back always hurts and I get tired very
easily...we joke about it at this point, but I know that it is some
sort of spiritual intercession I feel for Jake.
I somewhat blessed a baby shower at the
coffee shop, left calling cards for my ex and I, and I was on my way
out the door. I traded a lighter in the parking lot, I had such a
thing for “Black Lighters...” everything black really, and of
course everyone knew what I was doing, helping my mission. I stopped
and chatted up some teenagers, who however absurdly looked at me...I
went on. I stopped at the holiday and bought cigs, more Cheetos and
some Vitamin C. The Vitamin C was left right out the Holiday door,
because of course this was a “trading game” and we all would
trade to get to see our ones in heaven right? I was trading
“sickness” for “health.” Because that's what was happening in
my head we were all connecting to heaven! And each person was doing
there part in an orchestrated symphony of color and light. I marched
on into what was going to be a long day searching and leaving clues
for Jake all over town.
So basically the reason I was on foot
for all this is I had taken a little drive the day before...I had
parked my car at a bar in Huntley and just left it there. I left a
quarter to call someone who cared on the table and I had a black pen
and a little BLACK INK sign I had created. I planned to hitchhike in
my green dress, the exact green dress that Jake always liked with a
cream lace camisole over it. I basically got to the on ramp when I
was picked up by a woman and and four young boys in the back headed
to Get Air for a birthday party...her name was Andy and we chit
chatted until she dropped me off at the Metra area. I gave her my
prized black pen, as I said we do have to exchange something for the
ride.
I flitted off up to Main Street
flashing my Black Ink sign at a black truck, they shooed me away with
disgust! So another clue had to be left and I stripped off the cream
lace camisole and left it on a stretch of grass...at some point in my
mind this all was me walking to my wedding, and very much so the
following day I also took off my uncomfortable sandals and left them
on the sidewalk. So here I am walking up Main barefoot. I go into
Bottles and Shots to talk “prevention of alcoholism” with them
and tell them about my business plan for “BLACK INK PEER
MENTORING,” which I will undoubtedly address later in this book.
Don't ask me why I would think a business that sells alcohol would
want reformation, but that day everyone (as in the whole world) was
into me and my views on life and it was just the way it was! I
caught a ride to my apartment, barefoot with a native man with a
messy car, I think he was also in recovery and of course enjoyed my
concepts.
Now that was a little sidetrack of why
I did not have my car, which will eventually lead to the best day of
my life the next day...but I digress, there is still more from the
“Beyond the Cup” day that I want to tell you about. I was winding
through the Pioneer Park neighborhoods, it was a “trading”
marathon. I would trade beauty for garbage in seemingly orchestrated
logical way. I would take items from my purse and exchange them for
whatever was in sight in nature. I was taking my junk and finding
beauty in rightly placed twigs per se'! Indeed now looking back in
the houses south of Grand I was trying to trade to clean them up and
make them more attractive, and on the other side of Grand I was
pulling flowers...so um yeah, sorry! But I was on a mission...I was
making my bridal bouquet! And hell I left someone my pink sequined
boots in exchange...cannot take something for not leaving something.
Man alive I wonder how many people were weirded out!
Well it was all walking towards my
wedding day, which at first I thought was going to be a mass wedding
at Pioneer Park. Sort of a reunion of soul matches. But I looked over
at the park and decided I was wrong and must keep going. I picked
flowers from yards for my bouquet and yes I thought everyone was
cheering me on. I found a pail in one yard and started putting the
flowers into the pail and boy was it a pretty bouquet, I think “yes”
just the variety I would want! I walked through the Pioneer Park
area and I was barefoot by this point, because I had left my shoes in
trade. My feet did not hurt. There is something about being in
these euphoric states that things that would normally be bothersome
or embarrassing don't phase you. A man and his son were sitting on
their porch and beckoned me to come talk to them. I did and it was
cordial. I told them I was getting married and the father said his
son was getting married too, and it all played into my theories.
Eventually they kicked me off their porch and I headed up the street
to an old friends house who happened to have a fairytale yard. Maybe
that is where Jake would meet me???
I sat in their yard with a beautiful
coy pond and flowers all over, but did not take one flower from their
yard. I only sat for a minute until I was out the back gate. I
headed for St Vincent Hospital. I sat in the ER waiting room before
I took off exploring the hospital. In this moment I was a doctor.
Yes the barefoot doctor and I freely walked through many areas of the
hospital telling people they were doing a good job, acting like I
owned the place. It was when I called the hospital operator, or 911
I can't remember, that I was swiftly escorted out of the building by
a guard that let me know she understood bipolar and they called me a
cab. Now this felt somewhat a relay race and so I did not wait for
the cab at all.
I set down the street and there was a
homeless man sleeping/passed out in the sun. He had BLACK shoes
there waiting just for me! Baseball type shoes, so I knew that I was
headed to Dehler Park! I stole his shoes and a purple fuzzy blanket,
but not before I dripped a large salsa packet over him, he happened
to have sitting right there. Seems like something I was suppose to
do...I was making a fake “murder scene,” because remember I am
Nancy Drew! I trudged on and lo on my triumphant way to Dehler Park,
and on the way ran into six cops. So I tell them all proud standing
right in the middle of their huddle, that I had “solved a murder
mystery!” They ask how and I fan out the purple blanket on the
ground and throw my black pen on it and just say “see?” So funny
because I gather up the stuff and as I am walking away, one officer
says to me... “So Miranda, what is your super hero name?” I
split second stopped, looked back and him and said... “Its Duh!
Just Duh!” And they all laughed and let me go on my merry way. I
really don't know why they did, but they did! HA! On a mission!
I made it to Dehler and laid in the
dandelions waiting for Jake for some time. I imagined us picnicking
and indulging in some white wine on the pitchers mound....and then
of course this was going to be a supernaturally televised proposal,
up on a big screen and everything! I relaxed in the sunshine for
awhile in the dandelions, wondering what is was he was wanting me to
do. And then again after waiting a while, I knew I had to go to
Perkins to meet him! I asked for a table and two waters. I diddled
around with some sugar packets, putting the sugar into lines...Jake
wasn't coming but I wanted him to know I had been there.
I grew impatient. Next it was off to
the Hilton hotel. I offered a housekeeper a higher wage like I owned
the place. It is a real seemingly glorified status I get when I am
like this. Like I have power and control, much like I am in secretly
in charge of the whole city. I even told my kids at one point that I
would be the mayor. I felt it was the obvious choice for my life and
consequently my reputation after working for the city was all an
undercover type spiritual flow of my destiny. The connections I had
were never lost, and ultimately I would be recognized as some type of
hero. I left the Hilton. I remember hugging street people as I made
my way to Denny's. In Denny's I talked to every table. I had had a
job there waiting tables when I was nineteen and failed miserably at
handling the crowd. This attempt in my sight was simply proving I
could “work a room,” and the management asked me to leave of
course.
This whole day I was binding and
loosing heaven on earth with my hair. I would take it out of the
ponytail, or braid it and the hair tie symbolized the binding. Now
that is powerful hair! But please do wait until you read about what
happened the next day to disclaim that God put power in my hair! I
walked along and went into the Alpha House which is a prerelease
center for men. I needed to tinkle, and I adamantly told them I
needed to use the bathroom. Well indignant me I did urinalysis
because of love for two years at Community Solutions, and well once I
had to go to the Alpha House to provide a sample. I was telling the
man at the counter who said I could not use the restroom there, that
in fact I had used the restroom there before. I may or may not have
spouted something off about collecting genetic specimen, because in
theses states I think Kingdoms are built upside down...I am pretty
sure I adamantly slammed my fist on the counter as I made my
psychotic point, and swiveled around on my heels and headed out the
door.
The next place I landed was the Italian
Restaurant Ciao Mambos...I think my purse had been long gone at that
point and once again I ordered water. Remember in my mind I am like
leaving clues for a man to find me in our hometown...that I know he
is around somewhere and there is no doubt in my mind that we will
find one another. The whole downtown had been a game. Super romantic
I think. We are both super smart and competitive, therefore games
are to be played! I wait in the restaurant and again mess with
things to let him know I had been there. I use the restroom and then
leave. The weather turns, it is about to rain...its cold and I am in
a tank top. I ask strangers for a ride in DisContent which is a head
shop. I offer them a $20, I believe I had in my dollhouse. In my
Game of Life concepts these people were playing along...we were all
trying to make heaven happen at the same time. I gave them my
childrens' art set and a $20. Funny the man did come back after I
was pulled down out of that world, and he was a drug dealer and
scared the bejesus out of me! My perceptions that everyone is good
and has good intentions when I am in Euphoria has proven to be quite
dangerous. Somehow God protects me.
Chapter 7
It was a mid-May morning
this day of all days. I think the most beautiful day of my life. I
had slept the whole night, although my dreams are always psychotic
and play right into most of my theories on life. My mother was
worried about me and sent an officer to check on me. It was a
sheriff and he said “let's go get your car.” Now I don't think
that is what my mother had in mind? Well for the sheriff to take me
to my car, let me get in it...and drive off in the opposite direction
of home. I ended up at a lake. Lake Anita Damn. Damn. I had never
been to this lake and never even knew it existed. I only happened
upon it.
The day was bright and
brilliant and I was going much faster than the speed limit. I felt
like while my car had been sitting at the Huntley Bar somehow it had
been given a speed racer engine. I attributed this to my brother
blessing me for my big day...it was kind of my day to shine. I felt
like I had won a billion dollars and that my ship had finally come
in, and all things pointed to this being a fact. I rolled up on some
folks with kids at the lake. The kids were scared to go in the water
or something. I hopped in fully dressed. I was showing off swimming
across, doing sommersaults...I had a $500 pair of glasses and off
they went to the bottom of the lake...thats how empowered I
felt...pants came off too. Bottom of the lake still, I'd suppose! I
got out and back to my car. Thats the last time I remember my vision
being blurry that day...and trust I have horrible eyes. I raced on
down the road. There were hills and my car was super powered. I was
not slowing down for nothing...revving it all over those hills, that
at a later date I noticed were made for all-terrain. Yep me there in
my little Pontiac G6. I eventually tried to go up a hill and got
stuck halfway up. And there my car would sit for the next ten days.
But not me.
I had one of those huge
Mother's Day cards in my car...of course I needed to leave a clue so
I went up on the hill and built a shrine and tossed my keys out into
the field. It was a sacred moment, bright and beautiful and I just
felt so blessed to be alive. I came back down to the water and got
in. This is the point where the mysteries of the universe began to
come unto me. I looked down and particles in the water were coming
together, forming bigger life. It was seemingly a display of
evolution. Cells were dividing and moving, and I gazed upon it and
swam in wonder. I believed I was being taught creation. Kind of a
Blue Lagoon scene and I just slowly treat through the water watching
life happen all around me. I knew much more was happening under
water, than I could see and happening at a fast rate...so fast in
fact as my mind saw the creatures evolve, spiraling out in front of
me, there was suddenly an alligator hoisting himself onto shore. It
was very surreal and I was part of the evolution. I was swimming in
my bra and panties, but not for long. I got out and sat on the shore,
and there was a coaxing from a spirit that I should in fact be skinny
dipping at this point. I am not the type to do this but with great
reluctance I got in the nude and jumped back in the water.
This is the point where I
found the Tree of Life. It was a knarly tree with deep roots that
made a little chair for me. I would swim out to the middle of the
lake looking for Jake. I could see the trees perfectly at a distance
this is how I know my vision was corrected this entire day. I would
swim with such gusto, so much energy like I was breed to be a
smimmer, like I was a mermaid...I was going to find him. And in fact
we were playing, I knew he was there with me. He would say swim this
way, I will meet you. How absolutely romantic is was! Can you
imagine touching souls with the dead at a remote lake in the middle
of nowhere? If you can have any realization of heaven kissing earth
it would be this experience. To this day I know he was there with
me, and we have had several more “dates” since.
I kept coming back to the
Tree of Life and one time as I was swimming up my nose started
bleeding. I took my hand to my nose and just knew to put my hand to
the tree. I was “carving” our initials in this tree, binding it
to the universe. The sense of everything being so deep and profound
was real to me. I sat in the water in the shade of that tree for
quite some time. I was looking for my Peter Pan, and I was a
mermaid, and yes I was afraid to get out of the water naked. I was
doing my best to look alluring there for “Peter” and waited and
waited. The water was getting cold, but I felt comforted there by
my Tree of Life, it was if the root of all the universe was right
where I was sitting. And there I was a mermaid, waiting for Peter,
Jake Black. And it was still a game.
I kept looking at the sun
up on the hillside. Finally I kind of army crawled with my bare butt
up the hill. This would be the last point that day I was ashamed to
be naked. I laid there for awhile contemplating all of it, then just
picked myself up and started walking, my feet did not hurt on all the
rock and gravel and I was on a road, not really knowing where I was!
As soon as I felt myself burning I literally looked down and saw a
pink sheet with flowers on it. I put the sheet over me and kept
wandering...eventually laying down by the side of the road again, I
had seen no one at this point.
This next part is hard to
describe. I was laying in the sun with the sheet over my entire
body, including my face. I was laying on my side and watching my
tattoo on my wrist change before my eyes. It is my maiden last name
“Nehus” and I was entranced watching the letters morph. They
were telling me something important, but often as what feels so
important, as in a dream, I don't remember. I looked down and saw a
spider on my leg. My normal reaction to a spider on my leg would be
to get it off me, but this one I let crawl around. There became
something sensual and warming about this spider crawling on me...and
it actually turned me on. I've said “I was made love to by a
spider.” It was yes, a BLACK SPIDER...so therefore as in all
things in this day...it was Jake Black, lol. My “Peter Pan” had
now become my “Spider Man!” I assume it was a living spider, but
in the events to follow it may have been in fact a hallucination,
although at a lake, you never know it could have really been a
spider... “named Jake.”
So I get up, wrap the toga
sheet around me. Barreling down the road is a white Dodge Ram. I
like those, and have referenced wanting a black one and a white one,
for either me and Jake, or me and Adam...respectively whichever realm
I happen to be in at the time! So I am wandering down the road in
the hot sun, and they stop. They seemed to take to me and took me
into the truck and the gal gave me a plain BLACK sweatshirt and
Wonder Woman panties. This seemed quite fitting! They were going
fishing and drinking like normal folk do...and I proudly and
adamantly told them how sober I was. Very nice people and we pulled
over by a fire pit filled with glass. Glass of all colors, and it
was quite strikingly beautiful. We turned the music up...I was
smoking her cigarettes, drinking their Coca Cola and dancing around
their truck, hip hop style. I was also binding and loosing by moving
their objects around their truck and found a BLACK “Fox” hat that
I just decided it was mine and put it right on my head. So the gal
is fishing and laughing and being sexy in her bikini, and I am
laughing and dancing thinking we are all good. Um...
So I am moving things all
around their truck and I ask for my “last cigarette,” I wander
off to another part of the lake and make a shrine out of the “coke”
and “cig,” and I am sitting there just contemplating love and
life. And well in that moment I was making a decision between my
men. The relevance of the “Fox” hat is that it is my Adam's real
last name! Both my men have the awesomest Hollywood quality last
names, don't you think??? “Jake Black” a very real name and
“”Adam” Fox,” to halfway protect the...and I quote
“innocent.” But this day...Adam it was our goodbyes, because I
was in ConCord, not Flatt and in symbolic of saying au revoir to
Adam forever...and his secret identity family which includes his
sister, “Megan Fox” the actress, I threw the “Fox” hat in the
water and watched in float away! I watched it float away and let
myself have memories of me and Adam's story...ah how sweet of a
stalker! Um? Again, yeah like that wasn't my expensive “Fox” hat
to just “symbolize away” in the lake...but I was kind of on a
roll here. Yes, picking Jake! Forever right? Um? No every time
when I would be in Flatt my brain could not wrap around the
possibility of being with a dead man...one reality sets back in and
there's just no way that could happen. And like always, I just love
both those “truckers.” I digress!
So here is probably the
take away and best part of my day...I walked up the hill looking down
on where they were still fishing. I lay in some tall blades of grass
and just soak up the sun. I start staring at my hair...and it is
blowing in the breeze and somehow, someway I believe that all my hair
was little snakes. All my hair was moving and writhing around and
this is not the last time I have seen this. I don't usually like
snakes, but I was safe, cause what rhymes with snake? Yeah,
yep...Jake...yep. As I am watching these little creatures in my hair
I see a larger one come out...it is beautiful and electric of all
colors...it slides over to a nearby plant that wasn't much to speak
of. It wraps around the plant and it is “mating” with the plant!
The plant blossoms grows tall, into a flower and suddenly its like I
see DNA sequences flitting off into the air from this “mating” of
a snake and flower! Holy shit! And then I look to my left and what
it had made were itty bitty embryos of a giraffe, monkey and panda
bear, itty bitty tiny, in a blade of grass! So real, perfectly
shaped little animals! I was part of this creating life! And then
these little creatures spiraled into DNA sequences and flitted off
into the air. WOW!
I now am laying on my back
and suddenly coming at me is a two headed electric snake. It
represented “anomaly” and “deformation” of the embryonic
state, so I did what anyone would do and I bit the two-headed snakes
heads right off! Just no fear. And later in the day after “my
friends” freaked out and left the scene...I stripped my clothes off
again and was making plants grow with my hair left and right! Can
you imagine me buck ass naked crawling up the hillside making plants
grow? I was digging up bulbs and replanting and moving seed around,
creating new species of plants so the world would thrive! Yes, the
greenhouse job paid off! The plants were being drawn to my
hair...like if I would put my hair up to it, it wouldn't mate. But
if I just let it dangle my hair the plants would come to me. I also
started squeezing out my breast milk to the plants, which “oh boy”
they really liked! And I've been told it is poison because of meds,
so that was kinda a neat experience to feel like a Goddess of Life!
Grow, grow, grow! I can only assume that this scene was not at all
how I saw it, and in fact I may have been covered in dirt, naked and
fascinated by weeds...but oh well it was beautiful to me and
something I will never forget! Now that's a trip I think would make
any acid lover jealous! And I was never scared one moment, not to be
naked, I felt very safe and beautiful...I also don't think I
recognized my body as the same as in Flatt, because I felt no shame
or wanting to hide. Oh should also mention again my eyesight was
perfect and I was seeing the shape of snakes everywhere!
This experience makes me
think that I may be a prophet, just the things I was seeing and
feeling like I was back in the Garden of Eden, creating life. And
the snakes in my hair? Well I've been told that's like Medusa...a
fertility Goddess and yes, in later days that summer I thought I was
choosing and deciding who would have babies and what sex they would
be. I even gave gifts of fortune to these babies and blessed a few
families with offspring! Lol such a Goddess! In what they saw I was
giving them meaningless presents of my own belongings, but to me they
all made sense and showed my power in the heavenlies.
So shortly after the
hillside “flowering,” I realized I was getting cold. I had no
clue where my car was...I don't know why I didn't go back and try to
find the BLACK sweatshirt and Wonder Woman panties. I just didn't
think of it and started wandering aimlessly in what was getting dark.
This was the point where I felt Jake was guiding my steps. Once
again in game he had me walk in pattern and my feet was fertilizing
the land he had prepared. All walking back to the car I was still
making things grow and thrive. And this was all our land. I kept
wanting to lay down and stop walking I was getting tired and thirsty,
and Jake kept pushing me. I saw a McDonalds cup and it was to tell
me we were the franchise owners, like a family or genetic inheritance
of royalty. There are many franchises and brands we own you know!
Because just think if you were soul mates since the dawn of time what
you wouldn't have rights to in the end times! I often think Marlboro
owes me a lot of stock!
So I come to a hilltop and
look down an it looks like there is a bridge across some water. And I
am like “please don't make me go in the water again! I am too
cold.” I know that I am suppose to go up to the water and as I get
closer it begins to look like an alter...the way the trees were
bowing into each other around this “natural bridge.” I get down
there and this is where the “Goddess” thing really falls on
me...I am standing there and its like I am getting married (or
proposed to?) naked in the reeds. All the reeds started bending
towards me with me in the middle, like bowing down to me, and I felt
like a Queen exulted. I wish I remembered better what was playing out
in my head...cause I honestly don't know what all that moment meant.
I also believe I am not suppose to know yet! Like a surprise! But
yes felt like I was at an alter and either being asked to marry Jake,
or we actually did, or we always have been! Lol one of those
options! I looked up and could see my car in the distance. I went
back to it, found some of my clothes by the edge of the water, and
then had a catastrophic spiritual scene (binding a loosing) throwing
everything out of my car and trunk. And what happened to be in my
trunk for like forever was a box of ties from a donation after my
boss's brother's death. The ties in a box seemingly useless before
that became so meaningful. I took a white tie, a black tie and a
purple tie and tied them all together and started feeding them
through my air conditioning system in my car. The prayers was to
dissemble the classification between races by color of skin, and that
if I could go back to the dawn of time, there would be no color
purple on the skin of either to be found. Never the color purple
between them. It was quite profound and I wish I could explain it
better, but only God knows exactly what I was doing there in that
moment...seems important enough to just want there to be no
classification of races based on skin in the first place!
Shortly thereafter the
sheriff showed up and drove me away from this beautiful scene and all
the way to the hospital, I played games with lights like it was a
fantastic game of Mario Brothers, there were so many lights coming in
a pattern and I believed all the colors represented humanity, and I
would just have to “tap” all the white lights and WE WIN! There
were fireworks going off all over the place celebrating me and
Jake...aka I was blind again. Lights were being dispersed in my
eyes, refracting in the perfect way to make FIREWORKS!
Chapter 7
I arrive to the hospital.
I just remember being so happy! Just blissful. The marriage idea
was still going on right there in the ER. There was a native man in
the next room that represented my native father from the dawn of time
giving permission for me his spiritual daughter to be married. It
was not without vengeance or anger at the pain of his generations, he
was very angry and yelling and singing in native tongues...and I some
how understood him. I was the oldest daughter of the tribe, ie...that
I had been waiting on a galaxy of stars for an eternity for my turn
and I was very, very old to be finally given in marriage. I was
singing in native tongues. I tend to do opera type performances in
the ER...I think my voice does get stronger and more beautiful
psychotic. Powerful in the least, like I control something greater
than I even know with my words and songs.
There was a guard that
stood by my door, her eyes were glowing...she was native too. Her
name is Rachel. She was so beautiful, radiating. She was related to
me, I knew. We were wolf sisters. I am a white wolf, and Jake is a
black wolf. So at this point there was a spiritual army all around
me. Particularly on the floor. I asked this “glowing Rachel” to
get me some orange juice...and well I dumped it on the floor to
nourish my army! At the beginning of this book I spoke of “germs.”
Well in my first psychosis as an 18 year old, the demonic told me I
was alone in hell and likened me lower the the most forgotten germ in
the bottom of hell. Something to never be heard from again...the
lowest vile most disgusting whore of a human to ever walk the
universe was the “trip” at 18, which lasted a whole month! I am
lucky now that when I go to the dark place it shifts rather quickly
to good, and I think that is all about my first heaven trip at 34,
and well, because of good ole' Adam boy! Yes all the strangest
coincidences I've found in falling in love with him. I few times I
have envisioned Adam and Jake blending together at the altar, and
also in my first heaven trip described in my first book “Fairytale
of a Felony Stalker,” I knew that I was getting married in heaven.
Did I know at that time to whom? That was five years ago and even in
that time between the living and the dead, both were possibilities in
heaven. So this lead to my theories of shells covering souls or
fractured souls and how if you knew who your soul mate was the shell
forms they come in would be so attractive to you, you just might
become the Felony Stalker of your town!
So I thought everyone was
getting ready for a wedding in the ER...and literally my chariot of a
wheelchair was waiting. So real. So real. Wheeled back to the psych
ward as usual and there is my gang. I have been there so many times,
some call me their favorite. I am dancing and laughing and doing my
lock down pattern. It has to do with room numbers and helping people
escape from their “napkin” locked prisons. I've always been Miss
Mystery stealing and trading peoples things and moving everything
around to harmony in that lock down. You see because the rooms of
psyche are hooked to all jails, prisons, institutions and death,
right? There is hidden mystery on the walls, I can see all the
writing on the walls there ever was, to the human plight and movies
play out in my vents, explaining it to me. So you can think maybe
hallucinations are meaningless, and to be medicated away and I would
like to argue that point til the day I pass on to where I don't have
to argue anymore and everyone is just in harmony!
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