I was just a girl in love with a boy. He told me to work on myself and so I did. And while I did I wrote to him. All about my life and the things I was going through in sobreity. I thought it was romantic. I didn't know I was gonna have a psychosis. I didn't know that I would go through them for years while being in court rooms and mocked for being mental. I also didn't know how much I would love writing and how this would become such a huge part of me. I was just in love.
And now I am completely traumatized. And I always was but I had alcohol to help me through that. Something in me is broken. I think that there will never be a man in this world that is strong enough for me and I won't even let them try! It's super fukn sad because I am a big lover. I love so big but I have no trust for any guy coming at me. I don't trust them not to leave. And that scares me cause it means I am gonna walk this world alone because I will never trust a man.
I've been in therapy for three fukn years and I think dudes are wimps compared to me. Is that fukn fair to say? And maybe it's cause I picked one dude out of a billion and said you look strong enough now be this! Make me believe in goodness...Make me believe in trust...Make me believe in love. And all he wanted was a piece of ass! Fukn Rico Suave, whatever dude. I am way more than he bargained for...And being a felony stalker is now a persona. I have a fukn book with that title....This blog for three years and I was just in love! Fukn tragic.
This is an awful feeling...To know that I am so damaged. More therapy I guess. And guys are attracted to me...Lots of them. And they are all just wimps. And it's horrible that I think that. More therapy. Fuk more therapy. My birthdad is a wimp sperm donor...Maybe that's the root of all this shit anyway. Thought I was over that. Maybe I am a poster child for Daddy issues...Something.
All I know is I work my ass off to be well and for the most part I am well now, but then recognizing that I have no faith the male species is a set back. I knew after the fact that Adam was the first man I trusted and I had to do it in a book? Well I'm just slightly fukt up by this world...
I have this feeling though that it's gonna get better, not worse. God gives me that hope!
And now I am completely traumatized. And I always was but I had alcohol to help me through that. Something in me is broken. I think that there will never be a man in this world that is strong enough for me and I won't even let them try! It's super fukn sad because I am a big lover. I love so big but I have no trust for any guy coming at me. I don't trust them not to leave. And that scares me cause it means I am gonna walk this world alone because I will never trust a man.
I've been in therapy for three fukn years and I think dudes are wimps compared to me. Is that fukn fair to say? And maybe it's cause I picked one dude out of a billion and said you look strong enough now be this! Make me believe in goodness...Make me believe in trust...Make me believe in love. And all he wanted was a piece of ass! Fukn Rico Suave, whatever dude. I am way more than he bargained for...And being a felony stalker is now a persona. I have a fukn book with that title....This blog for three years and I was just in love! Fukn tragic.
This is an awful feeling...To know that I am so damaged. More therapy I guess. And guys are attracted to me...Lots of them. And they are all just wimps. And it's horrible that I think that. More therapy. Fuk more therapy. My birthdad is a wimp sperm donor...Maybe that's the root of all this shit anyway. Thought I was over that. Maybe I am a poster child for Daddy issues...Something.
All I know is I work my ass off to be well and for the most part I am well now, but then recognizing that I have no faith the male species is a set back. I knew after the fact that Adam was the first man I trusted and I had to do it in a book? Well I'm just slightly fukt up by this world...
I have this feeling though that it's gonna get better, not worse. God gives me that hope!
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