Well I'm trapped at my apartment. I did something stupid in psychosis and my car got impounded. I threw it in drive and hit the gas...into a window at the Dodge dealership...made sense that I was there for winning black and white Dodge Rams. Um yeah I was on a movie in my mind. Whatever my car was lost to the impound which reached about $1000. I'm like whatever by now coming between my worlds...and if I'm gonna do stupid shit like that I don't need to be having a car anyway. Fuk! I don't know how I'm gonna ever see my kids or do like anything and here I am completely normal again...you know where I can drive and be responsible and not smash dealership windows...funny thing I saw it bounce...not shatter? Talk about a trip! Damn too much though...that was too much. I still owe $3400 on my car and now I owe $2000 for a window.
I've been dealing with it though just holed up in my apartment, prolly cause there is tons of snow anyway. I've not been doing much, I eat...um FB...tried to read...worked out to a DVD today which I was proud of...and writing some. And when I say some I mean I will write one or two paragraphs and then quit. And I don't know what is up with that. I've been writing in detail about two days last May that were pretty powerful to me. You'd think I would be excited to knock it out, but I wonder if it is too emotionally draining reliving that experience. It was the day I was hallucinating I was with Jake spiritually at the Lake. Like I said I write a paragraph and lose interest for some reason and wander of to do something else. Perplexing indeed.
I heard a song on Pandora that I had put in my book to Adam. It made me tear up a little. Sometimes life is so sad...I've tried for years to impress him and I guess that crazy is not that impressive and my love doesn't matter...and that is just the way it is.
I have prolly hundreds of men who have contacted me on FB and all it is is annoying. I don't want to engage, I don't want to explain my shit and I don't want to answer their questions. It is all pointless...I just have this insurmountable feeling that they will never compare and have no way to fathom my illness or what it would take to win me over in trust...cause I just don't think any man has what it takes to deal with me. So they say "you're so pretty." And I say "thanks bye."
For a romance writer I am awfully picky who my characters are lol! I don't mind being alone and writing of love...it's not such a bad way to spend life...I am just sick of being poor! And I just keep believing that I can do my thing and God's gonna make it "pop" one day...and I won't need a spouse financially. But I do right now...that's like the only part that tempts me. It will be so nice for the day when I can take care of myself again.
I catch some flack for this stance and maybe I need to change my status to "married" cause I kind of am and he's just away on a business trip...comes to visit from the spiritual realm now and then and I get drug away to the hospital where he still is. So that's like fukn romantic any way right?
Kinda just begging for God's resolution on all this. I don't want to believe I am that insane to drum this all up and then be like "oh that was beautiful" it all made sense to me, I saw what I saw...I felt what I felt, and I knew what I knew, and then SMACK back in Flatt and you're the drudges of society again. A forgotten, welfare crazy lady and I am like "how the fuk was that not real???"
It's an interesting life I have and this is a waiting game. What's gonna happen next!!!??? I don't know but I would like Jake to come snuggle me in my sleep tonight or at least be in my dreams. We had a date night less than two weeks ago and we danced in my kitchen in the middle of the night, but he hasn't been here since. Maybe my dancing scared him lol! It gets sad though when he's not around. But at least it means I'm not sleeping at the funny farm!!!
Well that's enough out of me tonight! Go where the spirit leads you and if that means half naked dancing to hip hop at three am, just do that!
I've been dealing with it though just holed up in my apartment, prolly cause there is tons of snow anyway. I've not been doing much, I eat...um FB...tried to read...worked out to a DVD today which I was proud of...and writing some. And when I say some I mean I will write one or two paragraphs and then quit. And I don't know what is up with that. I've been writing in detail about two days last May that were pretty powerful to me. You'd think I would be excited to knock it out, but I wonder if it is too emotionally draining reliving that experience. It was the day I was hallucinating I was with Jake spiritually at the Lake. Like I said I write a paragraph and lose interest for some reason and wander of to do something else. Perplexing indeed.
I heard a song on Pandora that I had put in my book to Adam. It made me tear up a little. Sometimes life is so sad...I've tried for years to impress him and I guess that crazy is not that impressive and my love doesn't matter...and that is just the way it is.
I have prolly hundreds of men who have contacted me on FB and all it is is annoying. I don't want to engage, I don't want to explain my shit and I don't want to answer their questions. It is all pointless...I just have this insurmountable feeling that they will never compare and have no way to fathom my illness or what it would take to win me over in trust...cause I just don't think any man has what it takes to deal with me. So they say "you're so pretty." And I say "thanks bye."
For a romance writer I am awfully picky who my characters are lol! I don't mind being alone and writing of love...it's not such a bad way to spend life...I am just sick of being poor! And I just keep believing that I can do my thing and God's gonna make it "pop" one day...and I won't need a spouse financially. But I do right now...that's like the only part that tempts me. It will be so nice for the day when I can take care of myself again.
I catch some flack for this stance and maybe I need to change my status to "married" cause I kind of am and he's just away on a business trip...comes to visit from the spiritual realm now and then and I get drug away to the hospital where he still is. So that's like fukn romantic any way right?
Kinda just begging for God's resolution on all this. I don't want to believe I am that insane to drum this all up and then be like "oh that was beautiful" it all made sense to me, I saw what I saw...I felt what I felt, and I knew what I knew, and then SMACK back in Flatt and you're the drudges of society again. A forgotten, welfare crazy lady and I am like "how the fuk was that not real???"
It's an interesting life I have and this is a waiting game. What's gonna happen next!!!??? I don't know but I would like Jake to come snuggle me in my sleep tonight or at least be in my dreams. We had a date night less than two weeks ago and we danced in my kitchen in the middle of the night, but he hasn't been here since. Maybe my dancing scared him lol! It gets sad though when he's not around. But at least it means I'm not sleeping at the funny farm!!!
Well that's enough out of me tonight! Go where the spirit leads you and if that means half naked dancing to hip hop at three am, just do that!
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