Yes we have lots of freedoms as Americans...but what have all these freedoms cost us? Societal chains and chaos. My chains may not be apparent but they are many. I have brains and talent to be a doctor but instead I get doctors shoving needles in my ass cheeks when my brain is "too powerful." I totally didn't let them pull down my pants a little, or leg me this last time. I full ass mooned them in the ER all six of em huh! Straight up in the air at the bottom of the stretcher! I got a couple comments and I enjoyed them fully!!!
So these lines I am talking about are societal lines. Last night I had an ex sponsor who seemingly adored me for about two years of earlier life sobriety say I unfriended you because of "that one time...you know" um confused look no I freaking don't know what "that one time means anymore!" "Oh that one time you were manic and sounded like a teenager boy on FB...you know???" No I don't remember sounding like a teenage boy...because in my psychosis I make sense in the spiritual world...'im not manic either big difference it's psycotic! "Oh so you like blackout?" Um no, not at all. Sure something's I don't recall perfectly but that's like general life and it's not anything like being in a blackout where I get raped and stuff you know? Huh. You don't blackout? Um no. I def get to remember my crazy thoughts and behaviors that make so much sense to me then, and not when I come out of it! Maybe like a waking dream state???
Anyway I asked if she would sponsor me again and she was ridiculous to me saying well um as long as you are "level" and not manic or depressed I could. Um ok? I will follow you down but not that far?!? I mean people do cray shit all f 'ed up on drugs and alcohol and that's relatable but when it comes to sober acts of weirdos...can't relate and can't go to that "level." Um ok just a coffee date then???
That's really why I need to start that dual group I have kinda pushed aside. Honestly I think I am a level ten in our community as far as comparing crazy goes...so why not me start it? Because I am well and presentable most of the time but I got these crazy stories of psychadelic adventure that blows other mentally Ill people away and I stay sober??! I stay sober when in fact it was so much calmer when I drank? I have faith my life is gonna turn out awesome eventually? I don't want to slit my wrists of embarrassing love gone wrong? hmm say why not me??!
I say why can't I get paid for shit besides cleaning shit? That's a societal line I'd really like to figure out!!! If the quality of a person is based on their inner character then why as a disabled person in America can I get no help in securing employment that would work with me? It in a way sucks to be on the high functioning end of a spectrum because you get looked over. I'm like look, I've recognized that my brains are insanely huge but my common sense and connecting my knowledge and interactions with humans is like a flooring 1 percent cope! Maybe why I drank and also maybe how o verify I switch realms!!! Sometimes everyone is doing same actions same mindset as me and other times it's all opposition! I can sit in a meeting and have people's body movements come together in some sort a tweaked agreement in a pattern. Damn try that happening in a restaurant or cashiering at Ross cause I have done both!!! It's like fukn freaky ok?
I like the green house cause Jane loves me through my weirdness and I push through it for like four whole hours if it happens! Just me, her and sometimes a nice man named Weedy! Oh and plants that don't judge me...and I don't bother to memorize their names unless it happens by osmosis because Jane is telling me what to do as I do it. She calls me Blondie and Barbie and I don't have to hear comments from others about how my schitzo mind is insulting to other people who look so smart because the were born with common sense. She also says "well somebody" has to do it! Now go be "somebody!"
I think having a boss that at least tries to understand and can tease you right along with you in a non insulting "you're stupid" way is a key for for me. I've been fired from lots of jobs way before I ever understood my mental giftings! Damn it feels good to be almost forty! I brag about my degrees and I never stop to consider that was maybe all brain not connecting to the tangible things for me? Except writing and typing as fast as a hurricane hits the Bermuda triangle area... possibly wrecking Jane's family vacation!!!
So I think for now I will settle for an accepting boss and writing as my non paid career. Mayor of Billings can come later!!!
So these lines I am talking about are societal lines. Last night I had an ex sponsor who seemingly adored me for about two years of earlier life sobriety say I unfriended you because of "that one time...you know" um confused look no I freaking don't know what "that one time means anymore!" "Oh that one time you were manic and sounded like a teenager boy on FB...you know???" No I don't remember sounding like a teenage boy...because in my psychosis I make sense in the spiritual world...'im not manic either big difference it's psycotic! "Oh so you like blackout?" Um no, not at all. Sure something's I don't recall perfectly but that's like general life and it's not anything like being in a blackout where I get raped and stuff you know? Huh. You don't blackout? Um no. I def get to remember my crazy thoughts and behaviors that make so much sense to me then, and not when I come out of it! Maybe like a waking dream state???
Anyway I asked if she would sponsor me again and she was ridiculous to me saying well um as long as you are "level" and not manic or depressed I could. Um ok? I will follow you down but not that far?!? I mean people do cray shit all f 'ed up on drugs and alcohol and that's relatable but when it comes to sober acts of weirdos...can't relate and can't go to that "level." Um ok just a coffee date then???
That's really why I need to start that dual group I have kinda pushed aside. Honestly I think I am a level ten in our community as far as comparing crazy goes...so why not me start it? Because I am well and presentable most of the time but I got these crazy stories of psychadelic adventure that blows other mentally Ill people away and I stay sober??! I stay sober when in fact it was so much calmer when I drank? I have faith my life is gonna turn out awesome eventually? I don't want to slit my wrists of embarrassing love gone wrong? hmm say why not me??!
I say why can't I get paid for shit besides cleaning shit? That's a societal line I'd really like to figure out!!! If the quality of a person is based on their inner character then why as a disabled person in America can I get no help in securing employment that would work with me? It in a way sucks to be on the high functioning end of a spectrum because you get looked over. I'm like look, I've recognized that my brains are insanely huge but my common sense and connecting my knowledge and interactions with humans is like a flooring 1 percent cope! Maybe why I drank and also maybe how o verify I switch realms!!! Sometimes everyone is doing same actions same mindset as me and other times it's all opposition! I can sit in a meeting and have people's body movements come together in some sort a tweaked agreement in a pattern. Damn try that happening in a restaurant or cashiering at Ross cause I have done both!!! It's like fukn freaky ok?
I like the green house cause Jane loves me through my weirdness and I push through it for like four whole hours if it happens! Just me, her and sometimes a nice man named Weedy! Oh and plants that don't judge me...and I don't bother to memorize their names unless it happens by osmosis because Jane is telling me what to do as I do it. She calls me Blondie and Barbie and I don't have to hear comments from others about how my schitzo mind is insulting to other people who look so smart because the were born with common sense. She also says "well somebody" has to do it! Now go be "somebody!"
I think having a boss that at least tries to understand and can tease you right along with you in a non insulting "you're stupid" way is a key for for me. I've been fired from lots of jobs way before I ever understood my mental giftings! Damn it feels good to be almost forty! I brag about my degrees and I never stop to consider that was maybe all brain not connecting to the tangible things for me? Except writing and typing as fast as a hurricane hits the Bermuda triangle area... possibly wrecking Jane's family vacation!!!
So I think for now I will settle for an accepting boss and writing as my non paid career. Mayor of Billings can come later!!!
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