Ok so I'm a pure genious. Yes I admit my mind works in mysterious ways. In a little banter on FB I was challenged to "do" a cactus and we made big jokes about the implications of me doing a promotion for my writing by spoofing a sexual encounter with a cactus. Ok that's weird but it got me thinking. Me thinking of a naughty little adventure in my reality of lovedom whether real, implied...mystic ...fantasy or complete over do of a physical encounter memory I def have a sexual fixation on Adam. More so than Jake because it's not tangible to me although I feel I have been with him in spiritual love making. I def can't get a grip on that...the how's or whys of how it happened are vague and seemingly psychotic and separate from my Flatt plane of reality. So I am still stuck with Adam was my best lover imaginable and therefore nothing else will do.
So I said the other day that I was just waiting for our spaceships to collide again. Well I have an idea. I have an idea that I think will help me a ton and maybe him too. This weather is certainly suiting for such a thing and I have a warm apartment and food and I presume that right now he is not eating well and I get food stamps...so I really need to see. I really need closure. I freaking really need to update him on the past five years. I really need to see if what I believe is there is really there in my heart for him or just who is is in my imagination.
I want to see why he truly fears me. I want him to acknowledge that a woman loves him enough to write about him for five years. And I want to document reality. I don't think that a soul mate deserves any less than spending a week with me just to see!!! Whatever happens happens kind of like a reality show.
I don't know why I say one week. I guess maybe cause I have devoted five years of my life to loving him, even through other relationships and maybe it's all false and he's not my soul mate and then maybe he would at least know he doesn't have to fear me, and I am beautiful crazy not stabby crazy. And I would want to see if when he hugged me or touched me would I still feel electricity? Or was that just for me and what I needed in that time.
Sometimes being told no by the law doesn't stop feelings and no matter how you try there's never gonna be a closure until you look that person in the face. And no matter how many books I could write and write I won't ever know if it's all made up in my head or if it's real. I think the dude is my soul mate...but I know not all soulmates stay in your life. But quite honestly I just want to tell him everything that has happened in my life because I knew him.
I'm sick of this being so hard and never being able to let go. It's exhausting. You know as shitty as it sounds it's like I feel he owes me at least for everything I have been through just for loving him. Maybe a week of his life is alot to ask? I've been thinking about him and worried about him for five years...praising him and crying over him and freaking making him a pirate! I really really want to know if he is who I thought he was... exactly who he was when we were together is who I thought he was...like I could see him in ways others could not. And then it expanded. And then it fukn expanded.
Anyway I am just putting it out there that I feel something like this might heal us both. I hear snippets that he is not doing so good and I just want to rescue him like I feel he rescued me and changed me forever. I think only someone who is a soul mate can have that magnitude on you. And I've proven time and again to myself through my own psychology and spirit that it is in fact true. And as long as I am here in Flatt and my trips to meet Jake in the Bahamas are really trips to the psychward I without a shadow in my ever loving stalking mind want to know if TJ is my Adam.
One week.
So I said the other day that I was just waiting for our spaceships to collide again. Well I have an idea. I have an idea that I think will help me a ton and maybe him too. This weather is certainly suiting for such a thing and I have a warm apartment and food and I presume that right now he is not eating well and I get food stamps...so I really need to see. I really need closure. I freaking really need to update him on the past five years. I really need to see if what I believe is there is really there in my heart for him or just who is is in my imagination.
I want to see why he truly fears me. I want him to acknowledge that a woman loves him enough to write about him for five years. And I want to document reality. I don't think that a soul mate deserves any less than spending a week with me just to see!!! Whatever happens happens kind of like a reality show.
I don't know why I say one week. I guess maybe cause I have devoted five years of my life to loving him, even through other relationships and maybe it's all false and he's not my soul mate and then maybe he would at least know he doesn't have to fear me, and I am beautiful crazy not stabby crazy. And I would want to see if when he hugged me or touched me would I still feel electricity? Or was that just for me and what I needed in that time.
Sometimes being told no by the law doesn't stop feelings and no matter how you try there's never gonna be a closure until you look that person in the face. And no matter how many books I could write and write I won't ever know if it's all made up in my head or if it's real. I think the dude is my soul mate...but I know not all soulmates stay in your life. But quite honestly I just want to tell him everything that has happened in my life because I knew him.
I'm sick of this being so hard and never being able to let go. It's exhausting. You know as shitty as it sounds it's like I feel he owes me at least for everything I have been through just for loving him. Maybe a week of his life is alot to ask? I've been thinking about him and worried about him for five years...praising him and crying over him and freaking making him a pirate! I really really want to know if he is who I thought he was... exactly who he was when we were together is who I thought he was...like I could see him in ways others could not. And then it expanded. And then it fukn expanded.
Anyway I am just putting it out there that I feel something like this might heal us both. I hear snippets that he is not doing so good and I just want to rescue him like I feel he rescued me and changed me forever. I think only someone who is a soul mate can have that magnitude on you. And I've proven time and again to myself through my own psychology and spirit that it is in fact true. And as long as I am here in Flatt and my trips to meet Jake in the Bahamas are really trips to the psychward I without a shadow in my ever loving stalking mind want to know if TJ is my Adam.
One week.
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