I don't know why God chose my life the way he did...I don't know why insanity grips me to such a point. I want to say it's enlightenment or like wicked cool to see a movie on a hospital wall projected from your mind??? But crashing out of it in a hospital leaves me feeling in such little control of my life
This time I thought I controlled the movement of people through a pattern that has developed in the lockdown over the years. I could actually see people "freezing" in time and space as I manipulated common motion. But this time isn't so vibrant to my memory...leaves me feeling scared of what the heck is happening to me and why?
I met a shaman at the hospital. At least that's what he identified with. He said people in bigger cities are more accepting of what happens to me being spiritual. I told him about my garden of Eden experience and he said it's sounds like I am a mystic.
Whatever I am...I feel like I am gonna be alone in this life. I've kinda just absolutely given up on the idea of love that could withstand what I go through. It's scary to be less expectant of life and super sad to me...that I just got to accept that even if I am normal 90 percent of the time there is that 10 percent that is really truly fukn insane.
I hope writing of Adam as like a fictional character and not as if I could ever possibly win him over is something that I can do. I know that in a a crazy way just having my muse keep me alive is like maybe super twisted and fukt up...but it's what I got. I don't want to sound pathetic...but my life is at this apical point of do or die. And writing is what I got. I hope it's ok even with him to just be an eccentric writer and be alone. I think I have accepted I will be alone for this life.
I am just determined to not be a tragedy but I am very lost right now and pissed there is little to fight whatever it is that takes over me. I do not know how I even have the strength to keep going. Must be God! Cause here I am not even understanding WTF literally just went on for a few weeks...and now home trying to piece it together. So much for fighting demons!
I know my kids miss me. This shit has been going on since May and no I can't fight it without meds...what a thought huh? I just want to be ok and life not be so hard for awhile. I got to be ok. Shit this is a depressing post. I'm ok. I'm resilient right?
Yes that's a word to describe me! Good day all!!!
This time I thought I controlled the movement of people through a pattern that has developed in the lockdown over the years. I could actually see people "freezing" in time and space as I manipulated common motion. But this time isn't so vibrant to my memory...leaves me feeling scared of what the heck is happening to me and why?
I met a shaman at the hospital. At least that's what he identified with. He said people in bigger cities are more accepting of what happens to me being spiritual. I told him about my garden of Eden experience and he said it's sounds like I am a mystic.
Whatever I am...I feel like I am gonna be alone in this life. I've kinda just absolutely given up on the idea of love that could withstand what I go through. It's scary to be less expectant of life and super sad to me...that I just got to accept that even if I am normal 90 percent of the time there is that 10 percent that is really truly fukn insane.
I hope writing of Adam as like a fictional character and not as if I could ever possibly win him over is something that I can do. I know that in a a crazy way just having my muse keep me alive is like maybe super twisted and fukt up...but it's what I got. I don't want to sound pathetic...but my life is at this apical point of do or die. And writing is what I got. I hope it's ok even with him to just be an eccentric writer and be alone. I think I have accepted I will be alone for this life.
I am just determined to not be a tragedy but I am very lost right now and pissed there is little to fight whatever it is that takes over me. I do not know how I even have the strength to keep going. Must be God! Cause here I am not even understanding WTF literally just went on for a few weeks...and now home trying to piece it together. So much for fighting demons!
I know my kids miss me. This shit has been going on since May and no I can't fight it without meds...what a thought huh? I just want to be ok and life not be so hard for awhile. I got to be ok. Shit this is a depressing post. I'm ok. I'm resilient right?
Yes that's a word to describe me! Good day all!!!
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