Well since I have a tendency to do my victory dances way too preemptively...I will just say I have scored a touchdown and the game is still on!
I am able to call bullshit on everything I am hearing and combat it like a ninja (turtle). I know that every painful thing I went through in sobriety has made me ready to fight this damn reel in my head. It's almost like a recording being played back to me of my own damn insecurities prolly since the womb...but in different voices. Like um "you can't walk" um watch me walk MF! And I stood that much taller. All sorts of shit being thrown my way today...and I can't even express how well I handled it and fought it all. I was functioning in Flatt while this was all going on! Ifeel like it was a test that I have been waiting to take my whole life...learning the moves in my nightmares and in the past I would have been hospitalized and knocked out and never toughen up and get the shit beat out of me, repeatedly.
I kinda freaking love what's going on because I feel strong...me! I know that this strength is because I really did get the shit kicked out of me in real life...I don't know how I have lived through all this. Probably because of love. But today I made peace with that...and it made me even stronger! All it freaking is is a playback loop of shit I have already defeated! Like some kind of checklist and I am not afraid to call bullshit on any of it...or say whatever I don't care...or yes that's true I will own it.
And I so want to believe this is a step towards healing...but I am cautious to understand this is just one day...and I am totally depleted from fighting all day...but I really feel this is definitely a touchdown...and calling me creepy again???It's all in perspective...and God calls me beautiful!
I am able to call bullshit on everything I am hearing and combat it like a ninja (turtle). I know that every painful thing I went through in sobriety has made me ready to fight this damn reel in my head. It's almost like a recording being played back to me of my own damn insecurities prolly since the womb...but in different voices. Like um "you can't walk" um watch me walk MF! And I stood that much taller. All sorts of shit being thrown my way today...and I can't even express how well I handled it and fought it all. I was functioning in Flatt while this was all going on! Ifeel like it was a test that I have been waiting to take my whole life...learning the moves in my nightmares and in the past I would have been hospitalized and knocked out and never toughen up and get the shit beat out of me, repeatedly.
I kinda freaking love what's going on because I feel strong...me! I know that this strength is because I really did get the shit kicked out of me in real life...I don't know how I have lived through all this. Probably because of love. But today I made peace with that...and it made me even stronger! All it freaking is is a playback loop of shit I have already defeated! Like some kind of checklist and I am not afraid to call bullshit on any of it...or say whatever I don't care...or yes that's true I will own it.
And I so want to believe this is a step towards healing...but I am cautious to understand this is just one day...and I am totally depleted from fighting all day...but I really feel this is definitely a touchdown...and calling me creepy again???It's all in perspective...and God calls me beautiful!
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