Loner Birthdays

So its like this...when you grow older, birthdays are just another day...and I am here alone in my apartment now.  Just like every other day.  I thought about it on the drive back from Laurel...the boys caught a ride prolly like four hours before I had planned, but because I am the "weaker" of the two parents, my ideas and plans don't matter too much to what my ex wants to happen.  Just how it is.  So its two pm and I am home alone blogging.

I think remembering parties and bbqs and weddings and all those things I was invited to is all just lost to me.  I do know that when I was drinking I was included and I never would have been sitting home alone on my birthday...I had alot of friends.  And let's go get drunk for my birthday?  Well sure that was the thing to do! I won't go on and whine...sheesh 39 years olds don't bitch about being alone!  RIGHT?

I think that is why I want to start the dual group...because after five years in the program I am a loner. And people die of isolation. I just have many acquaintances and I do know that people care about me.  I also wonder about my business idea thriving or not...because I've been rejected by pretty much all sectors of the community...if no one will hire me...then why would I believe they would support me starting a business?  My awnryness is rearing its ugly head  into "don't tell me what I can and can't do with a mental illness!"

I think all this asking for people to step in and help me..and getting turned down is that God wants me to prove to myself how capable I am, and that it is fully my "baby" for very much that reason. Cause I don't want the damn word "can't" to be a theme, no matter how many times that gets shoved down my throat! It's pretty much apparent...cause I like sat beside a dude for two-three years on a the Mental Health Advisory Board and he wouldn't even hire me when I got certified as a peer?  Shit I know I don't have the best reputation, but the amount of people discrediting me is slightly exciting... kind of  like I am like the pee dripping off the underdog's weiner, yeah that low...and just not worthy to do anything in this town?  Not even recognized in pictures that I was the first Vista of the City of Billings? Kinda maybe I think I am an undercat? I like cats better!

Lol...one time when I was psychotic in court I looked the judge right in the face and was like..."I don't think you know who you are talking to!'  If ya don't know...now ya know.  I guess I realized how other people feel...cause because I' never before becoming a felon had doors shut on me?  Not that it slowed me down at least, like I never been treated like shit before in the profesional world!  That's where I like to say "mental illness is not a choice!"  Even though I have totally had alot of exciting things happen with mine...but I was more like forced into that position or stance...because its like what else can I grab onto for my identity if this full blown amazing supernatural things keeps happening?

Guess we will see come the 10th if it is a viable plan for sure...and how the hell to find legitimate grants and angel investors! One thing about being "29" is that I've had the shit beat out of me by this life and I still feel like helping even the ones that don't even like me!  "because you didn't graduate."  "because your illness is not that bad," OMG that really makes me laugh my maniacal laugh...She's a maniac dancing on the floor,..dancing like she's never danced before! You don't know what to do for me? Well at least try knowing my diagnosis after two years?  I don't know but I feel the FORCE is with me!

And the above was not at all what I was gonna write about today... I made fifty bucks yesterday working the Market...and then spent my money in Jane's shop...well on something little that I think I am gonna put on the widow's peak on my dollhouse!

I must say I am capable and proud of myself how that when I stopped freaking out and asking for help, I do know how to survive without money...and be plenty happy despite not knowing how I will survive.  Im getting all ready for the end of the world!  Lost wallet? no problem cash can go in a purse pocket and when you get turned down to buy cigarrettes for no id...well you can just thank them for making you feel seventeen again!  And I gave a homeless person five dollars by the interstate. Ok not 20's like when I am famous and shit...but I really think I should keep "love everybody where they are at"theme going whichever world I am in! Its part of my psychosis that people are not who they appear to be.  I think I saw Jared Leto at the HUB Cinco de Mayo lunch lol.  Pretty sure he was a vagabond.

Alot of people are saying Happy Birthday on my FB...I can't really keep up!  But no calls!  Its been that way the past few years.  I got alot of drive as far as loners go. And my hair is cool, I suppose...and statistics were saying I was to be dead by 30...and booyah here I am bucking forty.  Me a BADASS!

My presents and official 39 pic! Medusa look!


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