So I went to talk to my neighbor. He's been wanting to go to a meeting and I needed to shut the "valve" off for a minute, and decided to pass up the nap today. He's been wanting to go but putting it off. He said he needed to get his mind right before he would go...and I said "well there's lots of people there that don't have their minds right! You'll fit in lol."
We talked a little about anxiety and such. I told him honestly that sometimes when there are like 50 people in a meeting and I feel that yucky feeling I just get up and leave. So what. I am not a public speaker...I am a writer and a lover lol! And that annoying fear that comes with absolutely no explainable reason straight in my chest, is propagation for getting me drunk, so why would I sit with it with a a huge room full of people and pray to God it goes away in case I get called on? And why the hell in a meeting that big don't you just let people speak freely? Lord alot of people probably get anxiety and sit with it...its a huge newcomer meeting! And I have lots of wisdom, and you know if they didn't call on people (the same people) I for one would be able to stay a whole meeting and possibly chime in on a topic if it was fitting. DUH.
So the random nerves are just a part of me...its the reason I drank as a freshman cheerleader...but just because I get that feeling still doesn't mean I am not recovered...and I ain't no fukn freshman. And I absolutely cannot predict when its gonna happen. I do recognize that it rarely happens in hypomania, because when I am up I feel like everything I say is "on" and I am kind of like Super Woman. A know it all...be it all...Super Woman.
But I also said this to my neighbor "Even if our mind is not right...we can still walk through our fears." And I just want to say WOW for me saying that! Cause right now I am walking through an attack...where if I am not careful I could end up in a demon realm for weeks. I am being very conscientious of deciphering what I am hearing as false, and contradicting what I hear. They say what goes up must come down.. AND I believe I was spiritually pretty close to heaven in the Garden of Eden...so um yeah.
Anyway I hope my neighbor goes with me tonight. I've actually made a few friends out of neighbors through all my crazy...I gave this one my TV the day I was throwing shit in the dumpster. I all yelling from the balcony to them..."I've got Best Buy here" I was all like yeah worlds are getting flipped and the ghetto is becoming the Kingdom bitches! Yeah I believe that the poor inherit the earth and I am a princess...neener neener lol! No I mean queen...I am 39 now! My neighbors are black and I've never much spent time with "African Americans." Always felt intimidated...well shit little girl done grown up to not really be scared of anybody..."fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. Economics? I guess I was saying I am netherworld pretty fricking wealthy...I am pretty sure of it!
We talked a little about anxiety and such. I told him honestly that sometimes when there are like 50 people in a meeting and I feel that yucky feeling I just get up and leave. So what. I am not a public speaker...I am a writer and a lover lol! And that annoying fear that comes with absolutely no explainable reason straight in my chest, is propagation for getting me drunk, so why would I sit with it with a a huge room full of people and pray to God it goes away in case I get called on? And why the hell in a meeting that big don't you just let people speak freely? Lord alot of people probably get anxiety and sit with it...its a huge newcomer meeting! And I have lots of wisdom, and you know if they didn't call on people (the same people) I for one would be able to stay a whole meeting and possibly chime in on a topic if it was fitting. DUH.
So the random nerves are just a part of me...its the reason I drank as a freshman cheerleader...but just because I get that feeling still doesn't mean I am not recovered...and I ain't no fukn freshman. And I absolutely cannot predict when its gonna happen. I do recognize that it rarely happens in hypomania, because when I am up I feel like everything I say is "on" and I am kind of like Super Woman. A know it all...be it all...Super Woman.
But I also said this to my neighbor "Even if our mind is not right...we can still walk through our fears." And I just want to say WOW for me saying that! Cause right now I am walking through an attack...where if I am not careful I could end up in a demon realm for weeks. I am being very conscientious of deciphering what I am hearing as false, and contradicting what I hear. They say what goes up must come down.. AND I believe I was spiritually pretty close to heaven in the Garden of Eden...so um yeah.
Anyway I hope my neighbor goes with me tonight. I've actually made a few friends out of neighbors through all my crazy...I gave this one my TV the day I was throwing shit in the dumpster. I all yelling from the balcony to them..."I've got Best Buy here" I was all like yeah worlds are getting flipped and the ghetto is becoming the Kingdom bitches! Yeah I believe that the poor inherit the earth and I am a princess...neener neener lol! No I mean queen...I am 39 now! My neighbors are black and I've never much spent time with "African Americans." Always felt intimidated...well shit little girl done grown up to not really be scared of anybody..."fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. Economics? I guess I was saying I am netherworld pretty fricking wealthy...I am pretty sure of it!
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