Well I guess I've gone and done it. According to the voices in my head not only am I super annoying and not amusing to Adam...he has a baby with someone else, finds me terrifying. Would definitely not want me to gift him with a truck if should my visions of such ever find reality. And that's just the earful I got this morning...he wishes me dead. Doesn't understand a fukn thing about what happened between us spiritually.
So anyway the last couple days have been difficult...I've slept it away which I guess is not really fighting it. I like that my sleep is blank and somehow not having nightmares. For as happy as I get in heaven...oh yes now they are telling me I never was and it's all evil. Whatever. Seriously so freaking blessed to be this crazy...I don't even think that crazy cuts it...I don't know if there is even a word created that describes the magnitude of what this is.
My car got a flat last night and I got a ride home from my neighbor. I guess the day I was naked with only a ninja turtle umbrella...she saw me. So A) I thought I was invisible and B) I guess I wasn't. We laughed about it at least. These are highly spiritual experiences for me. I cannot explain how real that I am acting in the spiritual realm...I'm not really embarrassed about it like you would think...and while in the experience I have absolutely no body shame...which normally I would never flaunt my body or be proud to show it off...it wasn't anything like that for me...and especially at the lake it was so majestic and amazing, but by the time I for got to the hospital I was dirty with huge blisters on my feet. I did not even feel my feet hurting one bit. And as I have said I could see the whole day without my glasses...but as soon as I was in the sherrifs car I could not.
Yesterday I slept alot...I always feel guilty when I sleep too much. You know me I like my energy...it's what gives me drive for happiness. I got up went to noon...then came home and slept til five. Got up took a shower...I was being silly and talking to my cats to avoid hearing. I say hearing because I hear voices but don't always "listen" to them. So then in an off key rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at first being silly with it...I just started belting it out. And I can sing pretty powerfully. And then I just started sobbing...and I thought who would know why I an crying about this damn song. And then I thought a "soulmate" would. And it wasn't about Adam anymore or thinking that he understands me somehow. It was about Jake and how he can see me even when I can't feel him around me. Because he can find me in the darkness of all this.
If I am gonna be a crazy woman and that's what this life brings me then so be it...I can hear the dead...and maybe it's all lies about Adam but I know I am super freaky and I want to set him free. And maybe he is a soul mate and maybe something called a woundmate. But I am gonna stop fantasising and trying to prove myself to him. Like all this "if only" shit because today is not my day and it really hasn't been my day in ya all's reality for like five years ..and though I feel it was my destiny God given to go through the process of alot of bullshit becoming a felon for loving someone...it's seriously getting me nothing but more hurt.
And listening to my voices...they are super encouraging in that and they say his real name...that he is nothing but terrified if me. And I shall recall the demons in my dreams in 2013... that I would never have him. Guess that was spot on. So what about my other visions...I know they serve a purpose...and I know it's greater than I can even imagine right now. I just got to trust that God works all things for good.
So anyway the last couple days have been difficult...I've slept it away which I guess is not really fighting it. I like that my sleep is blank and somehow not having nightmares. For as happy as I get in heaven...oh yes now they are telling me I never was and it's all evil. Whatever. Seriously so freaking blessed to be this crazy...I don't even think that crazy cuts it...I don't know if there is even a word created that describes the magnitude of what this is.
My car got a flat last night and I got a ride home from my neighbor. I guess the day I was naked with only a ninja turtle umbrella...she saw me. So A) I thought I was invisible and B) I guess I wasn't. We laughed about it at least. These are highly spiritual experiences for me. I cannot explain how real that I am acting in the spiritual realm...I'm not really embarrassed about it like you would think...and while in the experience I have absolutely no body shame...which normally I would never flaunt my body or be proud to show it off...it wasn't anything like that for me...and especially at the lake it was so majestic and amazing, but by the time I for got to the hospital I was dirty with huge blisters on my feet. I did not even feel my feet hurting one bit. And as I have said I could see the whole day without my glasses...but as soon as I was in the sherrifs car I could not.
Yesterday I slept alot...I always feel guilty when I sleep too much. You know me I like my energy...it's what gives me drive for happiness. I got up went to noon...then came home and slept til five. Got up took a shower...I was being silly and talking to my cats to avoid hearing. I say hearing because I hear voices but don't always "listen" to them. So then in an off key rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at first being silly with it...I just started belting it out. And I can sing pretty powerfully. And then I just started sobbing...and I thought who would know why I an crying about this damn song. And then I thought a "soulmate" would. And it wasn't about Adam anymore or thinking that he understands me somehow. It was about Jake and how he can see me even when I can't feel him around me. Because he can find me in the darkness of all this.
If I am gonna be a crazy woman and that's what this life brings me then so be it...I can hear the dead...and maybe it's all lies about Adam but I know I am super freaky and I want to set him free. And maybe he is a soul mate and maybe something called a woundmate. But I am gonna stop fantasising and trying to prove myself to him. Like all this "if only" shit because today is not my day and it really hasn't been my day in ya all's reality for like five years ..and though I feel it was my destiny God given to go through the process of alot of bullshit becoming a felon for loving someone...it's seriously getting me nothing but more hurt.
And listening to my voices...they are super encouraging in that and they say his real name...that he is nothing but terrified if me. And I shall recall the demons in my dreams in 2013... that I would never have him. Guess that was spot on. So what about my other visions...I know they serve a purpose...and I know it's greater than I can even imagine right now. I just got to trust that God works all things for good.
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