Wanna Be

The familiar clench in the temples...
The pushing down in my brain, heavy.
The thrashing around of demons.
The fear, the yelling, the name calling.
The complete grip of knowing under attack.
Can't talk...start to shake. What's real?
Afraid of everything.
Not used to being afraid of much of anything.
Look dull...not lucid.
Where are you?
Eyes rapid flutter...heart pounding.
About to pass out.
Must fight this...must prove I can!
Primal. Survival...what are we selling here?
A penny for your thoughts..."oh no they are terrifying... you wouldn't understand!"
Swallow fear.
Slut!
Weirdo!
Distinct I hear them here and there...and far away.
Fight its not real.
There they are again.
My enemies calling me out.
If I listen I could be attacked for weeks.
Must fight.
Fight all day...
Wanna be wrapped up.
Wanna be close.
Wanna be breathing next to.
Wanna be held.
Wanna be hugged and told it won't always be like today.
Wanna job...and can't say that I can.
Cause those attackers mute me in my lifetime sentence.
The higher you go the further you can fall.
Wanna not fall.
Wanna be strong.
Wanna know why they pick me.
Wanna know who I am.
Wanna know love returned...
Wanna be wrapped up in it...cause I'm tired of so much alone.
Wanna be level. Wanna be wise. Wanna care for my children.
Wanna be med free.
Wanna do things differently. And stand out and hide at the same time.
Mostly I wanna be strong and not break when the enemy attacks.
I wanna be strong.
And I just wanna BE.