Victim Persona

"Victim playing (also known as playing the victim or self-victimization) is the fabrication of victimhood for a variety of reasons such as to justify abuse of others, to manipulate others, a coping strategy or attention seeking."

Some mental illnesses can mimic one "playing the victim." I know because I am alot of "drama"...and very vocal about the fairness and equality I believe are my rights as a human, and because I am open and opinionated about my everyday difficult bs...I am "playing the victim!" Annoying, and possibly not someone people want to be around...too much to put up with because there is always something going on with me! Holy shit! Its not by choice.

So I am pretty vocal I think because I go to meetings and I have just learned to be super vocal about my issues. And its a little subculture of talking, and quite possibly not healthy for so much talking! And I write and I am vocal about what happens to me outside of alcoholism, because I have little venue for that elsewhere and if I tried to hide? I would die. I guess I would rather "tell all" then have anything assumed at this stage of my "cray game." People are gonna talk anyway...be scared of me anyway...so here's my truth! I have written almost 900 posts now and I recognize there is alot of room for judgement and hypercritical opposition...and I have to be ok with that!

But I have to say, no I don't always "play the victim"...I kind of am ONE! And I feel like there is a whole stinkin population of victims, so I am not trying to say "only me" and I hope ya all can feel that? But alot of pretty negative shit has been asked of me to walk through because of an illness I don't decide. And it is not treated like someone with cancer. How many others are there out there that can't decipher reality sometimes may end up reaching out to someone in a text? And I am "playing victim" to my victim, but I just don't think I am criminal. And ongoing belief that he is my soul mate? Is that criminal? To have a belief based on what is called illness, but I consider my faith, my truth? Should I be chained up because my psychosis is about him and I believe it? And I feel unbelievably punished already! So much...but if it hadn't been that way there is no telling this story. SO IDK.

But something today made me recognize my part in a huge resentment I have and I am going to explain that. I do think our society is so messed up! But to people who don't see it that way, that have a smooth life and a "white picket fence..." they don't want change! Status quo...keep the peace. And yes I was that once! So sometimes I play the victim in my writing... that I used to "be all that" and then it was gone never to return? Maybe my resentment is too thick and my mentality is aggressively sabotaging my route to who I am suppose to be? Jennifer said that I appear to think I am better than I really am? Do I? I think I am just really real...like the Velveteen Rabbit...a little too real...and I identify with my old status, way too much. Maybe I sat on a bar stool for a year while the city was still my 'oyster?" And then said "I am gonna completely change sectors from social services to ..."Hey I am a realtor now???"" Is this an amends I need to make? Is this me as a bitter angry financially starving female saying "HOW COULD YOU?" "Do you not remember my picture in the paper?" "Why don't you remember who I am?" WHO I AM; WHO I AM; WHO I AM.

And then heaven snatched me up. WOW. Why do I go so back and forth between it all being an amazing good thing...to I just want to be normal and fit in??? I just want my friends back...this is no calling on my life? And those questions of what's better? and status? are my main nemeses. And so in that I feel like I am sounding like a victim of my mental illness that I actually enjoy? And how can I say this is "freakin awesome" and be pissed about the pricetag??? Ya got me there Hass???And I really do believe its because I oscillate between two very distinct realms, that I have this ultimate confusion. And I guess in one that I am no "victim" at all. And I guess when I come back I have been a hassle to someone or whining or needy...and its very weird how my crossing over feels so amazing to me but without even knowing I had "creeped" someone out. I am sure talking to her dead son and coveting his things at the garage sale fundraiser was disturbing...how it is so real and beautiful and freaking amazing to me?

But seriously and I know that there is always something going on with me...some situation...and it appears in cycles of good and bad. And the meds have side effects and so on and I am sure others can relate with wanting to be self sufficient but having to be dependent.

So my anger and bitterness towards my past life have me in "Victim mode" for a long time now. I really need to pray for God to remove that from me. Yes, the system sucks and social injustice and stigma but I really could get so swallowed up in attempts to prove this that I alienate all of freakin society and people that whose truest intention is to help others.

For all intensive purposes I have also been called a histrionic...or that I "cause" things to happen for attention. Nope really don't, I am just that lucky.

Ok thats all. Must relax. Must breathe. Must find place in this world asap! And cut my toenails...there was moments with Miranda. Thanks for reading!

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