So I have decided that I like to feel good to the point of hallucinating heaven and talking to Jake and floating freely in what I believe is the spiritual realm. It's just beautiful ok? And I am just happy in that place...like it is what I was created for and my purpose in this life is to experience that realm and make an impact as a warrioress, bad ass triple threat amazing princess of light. High up in my kingdom and when I go there I know it is Jake and he makes me feel like a queen and how could all that happened only have happened because my brain chemistry was off?
Went to the "addicts" meeting tonight...I related because of how addicted I am to smoking and then thought a little of how I am addicted to good feelings and that I don't notice when things are going so good I am headed to the psychward. I say no I just feel good things are going my way and God is good to me...off to get a doctorate now I am healed! Write a business plan which I am assured is amazing...was it amazing because I was manic? No it was amazing because I am freaking generally amazing and have been working on an idea like this for almost three years. It just happened to flow out of me in about two hours a week before I went insane!!!
So I went to Wellbriety a native based group open to all...we smudge! And the "addict" one tonight. Slowly but surely I am venturing out and getting my name out of just one circle. I left a message for the director of Downtown Billings following up with our convo. I have a board member lol...and one other person interested in helping.
Getting back to venous Venom Abuser...so yeah I guess I do have body chemistry...that shoots me to the moon, as said it's better than meth in the meeting and they all kind of laughed like yeah right! And my trips being better than acid...and I should sell my brain chemistry and be a bazillionaire...but I said I abused it and on the way home I wasn't sure if I said that correctly. What I did say is I enjoy it when it happens and it feels like a spiritual experience.
So also I have to say? If I believe it is spiritual...how much can I really say is chemical? The Garden if Eden day was extremely beautiful and spiritual... how is that chemical? And yet the Abilify blocks Jake from me except for little nuggets here and there. I am completely in Flatt and I am seriously struggling if I want to stay on meds.
There is a website Bipolar Awakenings...after 20 years of meds not working... making me fat...making my hands twitch...and now I can feel the left side of my mouth drooping in a nagging pull that makes it harder to smile...and my vanity can't take any more beatings than it already has. I am scarred head to toe and my belly is deformed with med fat.
There are just so many reasons that I believe in working out the psyche rather than having it blocked. They say you have to go through the entire experience without having it blocked to be healed of psychosis...I am sick of everyone around me believing modern medicine stupid bullshit no proof of what they are doing other then having so many labrats.
I guess I need to keep looking into alternatives. I need to talk to the right people in other organizations that believe how I believe ...one I found literally called what happens to me "brain rape" and I do feel it takes something special about me that is a gift and then the product delivered is only a portion of who I am.
I promise I will stay on meds until I have established support willing to see me through this. Connie said if I didn't stay on meds they would just lock me up...but I'm the one who has lived all this... I know it is a linear story line given to me piecemill over 20 years. There is a reason for this besides causing drama. This is also in my dreams...for most my life.
I know alot of people say I am just bipolar...I am just like everyone else that is bipolar. I do not hear the elaborate "other worlds" from anyone I encounter? I have never ever heard anyone say the human race was built backwards to an end...and the end is the beginning is the end and we reincarnate and all have soul mates.
It's one of those stand alone and believe your own truth kind of things that there is a very real and tangible reason for my altered States of consciousness. I want to figure it out and stop getting fukn shots of hell doll for being to happy about loving a dead man and how beautiful the details of all that was. That's mind freedom...and it's at the point where I want to power of choice in my own brain. I am so damn sick of psych lock down and besides I helped the whole spirit world escape that fate! The germ spirit army that rescued me from hell...because 20 years ago I was the lowest germ in hell to be forgotten and alone for eternity.
This is a story. My life and I want to walk it out. I want to be fully me. This is a psychological story...this is a soul story. I am supposed to understand it...not get drugged and blocked from what I was chosen to know!
Went to the "addicts" meeting tonight...I related because of how addicted I am to smoking and then thought a little of how I am addicted to good feelings and that I don't notice when things are going so good I am headed to the psychward. I say no I just feel good things are going my way and God is good to me...off to get a doctorate now I am healed! Write a business plan which I am assured is amazing...was it amazing because I was manic? No it was amazing because I am freaking generally amazing and have been working on an idea like this for almost three years. It just happened to flow out of me in about two hours a week before I went insane!!!
So I went to Wellbriety a native based group open to all...we smudge! And the "addict" one tonight. Slowly but surely I am venturing out and getting my name out of just one circle. I left a message for the director of Downtown Billings following up with our convo. I have a board member lol...and one other person interested in helping.
Getting back to venous Venom Abuser...so yeah I guess I do have body chemistry...that shoots me to the moon, as said it's better than meth in the meeting and they all kind of laughed like yeah right! And my trips being better than acid...and I should sell my brain chemistry and be a bazillionaire...but I said I abused it and on the way home I wasn't sure if I said that correctly. What I did say is I enjoy it when it happens and it feels like a spiritual experience.
So also I have to say? If I believe it is spiritual...how much can I really say is chemical? The Garden if Eden day was extremely beautiful and spiritual... how is that chemical? And yet the Abilify blocks Jake from me except for little nuggets here and there. I am completely in Flatt and I am seriously struggling if I want to stay on meds.
There is a website Bipolar Awakenings...after 20 years of meds not working... making me fat...making my hands twitch...and now I can feel the left side of my mouth drooping in a nagging pull that makes it harder to smile...and my vanity can't take any more beatings than it already has. I am scarred head to toe and my belly is deformed with med fat.
There are just so many reasons that I believe in working out the psyche rather than having it blocked. They say you have to go through the entire experience without having it blocked to be healed of psychosis...I am sick of everyone around me believing modern medicine stupid bullshit no proof of what they are doing other then having so many labrats.
I guess I need to keep looking into alternatives. I need to talk to the right people in other organizations that believe how I believe ...one I found literally called what happens to me "brain rape" and I do feel it takes something special about me that is a gift and then the product delivered is only a portion of who I am.
I promise I will stay on meds until I have established support willing to see me through this. Connie said if I didn't stay on meds they would just lock me up...but I'm the one who has lived all this... I know it is a linear story line given to me piecemill over 20 years. There is a reason for this besides causing drama. This is also in my dreams...for most my life.
I know alot of people say I am just bipolar...I am just like everyone else that is bipolar. I do not hear the elaborate "other worlds" from anyone I encounter? I have never ever heard anyone say the human race was built backwards to an end...and the end is the beginning is the end and we reincarnate and all have soul mates.
It's one of those stand alone and believe your own truth kind of things that there is a very real and tangible reason for my altered States of consciousness. I want to figure it out and stop getting fukn shots of hell doll for being to happy about loving a dead man and how beautiful the details of all that was. That's mind freedom...and it's at the point where I want to power of choice in my own brain. I am so damn sick of psych lock down and besides I helped the whole spirit world escape that fate! The germ spirit army that rescued me from hell...because 20 years ago I was the lowest germ in hell to be forgotten and alone for eternity.
This is a story. My life and I want to walk it out. I want to be fully me. This is a psychological story...this is a soul story. I am supposed to understand it...not get drugged and blocked from what I was chosen to know!
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