Towing Aspirations and Crack Money

I saw a post on FB from a gal in Nevada...made me think wow though its kind of a blur I think I really got ate up by some towing costs!  And I think once again I have missed my calling!  Damn if only I could have more confidence in backing up a truck (I am serious I've tried with the Plantasia trailer and it does take skill.)

So I was thinking???  How could this have been different?  When my mom called the sheriff to to check on me, on  "The Garden" Day they took me to get my car from Huntley.  She is like that was not what I was expecting!  And the tow from the lake ten days later was $350. Yes, Jane helped me with this and I will be working it off in the greenhouse close to minimum wage.

 Damages to my car estimated at over $1400. Fighting with insurance for two months?  Priceless. They nearly gave me a heart attack.  Will I still have a wreck record against me if I don't file?"  Yes because you admitted it. I had one wreck in 16 years so I know what is is like to get good insurance rates. Three wrecks in early sobriety and so for three years my insurance was around $200 a month.  The wrecks were not DUI related (icy conditions, ding on a bumper, and one not at fault my bumper torn off by a city garbage truck.) and my ex boyfriend had felony DUI and his rates were cheaper.

I guess I must have lost sympathy when I said I was gonna buy Foo Fighter tickets with my insurance money.  I got $1000 after fighting with them for two months and facilitating all the adjusters job with pictures and such...because I didn't take have it towed to the right place?  Anyway the concert was announced right when I got my money and  I said thats what I was gonna do cause they sing my all time favorite love song...but that just made me look stupid and shit no I didn't get to buy them!  Here's my favorite song ever since 2001!


Anyway back to the costs of being mentally ill.  So then I trusted someone in my life I shouldn't have...he stole my car and then let it get stolen some more.  The cops let it get impounded.  It was $350 to get out.  Also at that same time I had missed a court date for a $100 ticket for registration being expired for two days.  Trust me on this that had I not been a felon I would have been told to take care of it asap and sent on my way!  So to get the licence unsuspended it cost a total of $200.  Yes my mom helped me with this and yes I need to pay her back.

My window had been smashed and I paid $150 out of the insurance to get that fixed. It was a nice couple days catching up on bills with that insurance, and I got two bras and shirt at the mall...ya know cause I was throwing away all my bras because everything in the BLACK DRESSER had to be given to the poor cause I was famous!

Anyway then there was The Green Pontiac G6 Mystery Machine night...and well wow. I am impressed. I really could be in prison right now so I shouldn't complain about a $450 impound.  And that I had "temporary assistance," that helped me pay for that.  But I know the cops were there..."hearded" and I am like my keys were in the ignition?  But maybe legally you can't just move a car? IDK.  But total my car shit in three months was close to $2000. I have been surviving off $1000 a month for six years...so thats a mess that I mostly "owe."  Imagine owing your biggest support network money on top of needing them emotionally all the time. It doesn't feel good at all.

So basically what I am getting at is there are alot of costs involved with psychotic episodes...they are fukn rough.  And beautiful to me in one realm and havoc in the other,..and there is no way I can afford these episodes on disability. And I can't stop them.  Do people think I can stop them???

So someone is just gonna have to show me how to get paid to write, cause I do not know.  And I think I have interesting shit!  And I feel like people want me to give up already...and I am hanging by a thin thread...and its weaving itself into a rope.  And I have nothing and I don't "qualify" for shit. And I am sick of sucking the life out of my friends and family. And getting to hear about "just how I am" all the time,..how I am so hard to deal with. If only I had something to offer this world that I would be paid for so I could take care of myself?  The Bipolar Magazine after months of saying they wanted my work and "yes, yes, yes"...ignored me for a month then said..."we will see if it makes the final cut."  Well whatever...I don't know how to do this anymore.  I tried BPHope too...maybe I don't even resemble giving hope?  Staying sober through this?  I don't know...I keep trying is all I know and it gets me no where all my effort.

Here's a song about that.

HELLYeah Love Falls

The "brick" inside my chest.  Love falls out of me.



And mom I know you read this to check on me. I am working on an advance directive.  It doesn't include cops and the hospital...let's check into other avenues of care for people like me before its too late.  I wrote this three years ago.

A fukn concept right?

And maybe I need to learn how to back up a truck and attach a fukn hitch and make $450 for an hours worth of my time?  Would I have some fukn value to society then?  No worries I am going back to bed to wake up to what the hell am I gonna do? I will still be "here." I no longer can understand this HELL CALLED FLATT...because I can hear the dead...and they are pissed...and I am pissed and I think is this society some type of farce?  Is this really where we have come as human beings?  I don't think systems are real in ConCord when I go there.  Everyone is on the same page and the things I go through are in alignment with some sort of Utopian society, and then I am assured I am in fact the one who is insane???

Is this a joke?  Would people in community where I was raised and volunteered to help others really ignore someone trying to accomplish something in their life for five years? With good ideas AND aspirations AND mentally disabled AND female AND white AND American AND a good writer AND inspirational AND an advocate...and so on.  And why would I be the one to fall through the cracks?  And that stupid saying that "some have to die so other's can live comes to mind." And no I do not want the cops here. I want love. I want a book deal.

I absolutely know I can make a good linear book utilizing my blog. But I am so stressed because of finances and needing to find work that I havn't touched in like two weeks.  I am in need of help figuring out my comments and likes on my blog...and how to best market my story and things like that?  How do some people get that help and others don't?  I havn't heard back from any queries except for auto replies.  Maybe there are just an overwhelming amount of stories of mental illness?  I guess maybe so?  I am at a loss.

I am completely wiped out I admit...and I am not even going to apologize for being negative. Maybe I am not supposed to have a car?  Maybe I can survive with nothing but a vape and my writing and some food stamps for the rest of the month. Maybe next month will be better. If ya all don't see me around much just know I am home writing a book that I believe will tie all this together in an intriguing way that will be undeniable.

So goodnight.  From Falling Through The Cracks






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