Well that title sounds a bit like well, duh? We knew you must give up at some point...and I am throwing in the towel to the men's locker room..cause let's face it my modern day psychotic fairytale is absurd...and though it has paranormal movie-like qualities written all over it, I need to be more practical. You know where my glasses every day...be studious, read a book a day...get to the gym again. Give up on my whole dreams of getting paid to write and focus on being a business woman again. Wait I mean sure...until I go psychotic again...hmmm wait...when will that be? Was is slightly today? Or was today just yet again another priceless day in the WORLD MIRANDUH! So read along and you decide if the new norm for me "sane" is questionable.
I will go back wars (that means backwards to crazy people!) with my day. Alfred is fed. He is my new Praying Mantis...who I found on my porch he was "Alphaba" but she was the one with the fangs about to mate with Alfred and eat him after...so me to the rescue because I understand men who are afraid of women "eating them." SheRah is fed. She's liccking her tail right now...maybe butt, but we shouldn't say such things about ladies, lol. I am in pajamas. It is 10;44. And my day began at 4am with a stupid blog about how the left side of my face is now slumping...and how abilify made my hands permently twitch starting at age 22. Oh went off. Been almost bald...100 pounds over my God given weight....but OH wait we are doing this back wars I said.
8;30 Pm Arrive at one meeting after absolutely not wanting to attend the other place...after being convinced that I must attend with a young girlfiend who had also asked me to go to to church. At the end of this meeting I feel it appropriate to announce that I am starting a dual diagnosis meeting and am in the process of securing our location. So "outside issues" OH LORD. All I had to say was I was starting a dual diagnosis meeting. Suddenly I am not an alcoholic I have decided I am a "Problem drinker" and my main issue is mental illness. I don't identify really with alot of what is a discussed after five years??? UM ok...so stick foot in mouth please....and do it again when you talk of the other stigmatized places the dual diagnosis meetings are held. Oh and also go into and explain why you don't think you are a true alcoholic because you only wanted to die because of your divorce and most the rest is happy memories and I drank with immunity. Most but not all. And the reason I want to stay sober is for my primary issue. I am so weird. A weird dipshit!!!
Moving on 5 pm. Faith Chapel. Same convincing young friend doesn't like to go places alone.I kind of don't like that church. Went there 8 years...people don't even smile at you when you look them directly in the eye and smile...or look there way or even acknowledge you...just a very hostile feeling in the coffee area! We sit down by nurse from the psychward. Cool I will ask her why it feels like my face is drooping...will it be permanent like my hands? No you just need a shot in the nerve. Also sounds terrifying with my bad luck. Worship. Fine I sing. I love Jesus too. Credits and announcements I swoon near faint I got too much on my mind to listen to a sermon...I need a bagel!
Go eat delicious bagel surrounded by more people that seems super clique and maybe that is because I am burnt on church in general...my head blows up like a baloon and I walk out...and light up a cig in my car. Asurion calls. They say I owe another $150 for the phone I got replaced. The new one is already cracked and Verizon treats people with credit scores of 680 like Queens and girls with cracked phones, disabled Iphones and late payments like obscure might I even say he thought I was missing teeth and rocking back and forth? Because had seven hundred dollars in credit there in March. And he says it only matters whats happened since. I tell assurion tonight that when I filled out the form for the lost/stolen/damaged phone it was in fact smashed and I had it that way for three months waiting to get a hundy. Since in my last psychotic episode it went in the trash and who is gonna buy my psychosis story. So know I am paying another $150 and it takes $365 to get out of the Moto even though its programming isn't right...and its cracked already! That happened in my car waiting for church to get out.
2:30- 4:30 Shopping with Nancy for boys birthday party. I wanted to buy those boots for Mitchell because he said I know you can't get those boots so ask Aunty Laura or Grandma...wanna make a bet? I am gonna spoil you boy...your own worthless overeducated felon of a mama is gonna get you those damn boots! OH YEAH...I am gonna get Welfare baby boy and we gonna hook you right up and have a splendid for both you and your brother. Yes on that $550 a week ago...no on the day it was suppose to come through. Nancy and me were gonna split the boots. I also had bought the boys track phones they can only do internet on. We bought Evan Hotwheels...and then I started thinking about how much the past few months have sucked scraping by after bills were paid. Nancy paid for everything, then my sister called and asked what they wanted, then it was my mom and sis can pay me back for the phones for their gift...and then I burst into tears and said aloud "THIS HURTS ME!" I wanted with all my heart for my son to respect me in buying him exactly what he wanted...when he was like no way mom you can't right? Anyway it does get painful that no one sees value in me just cause I am different. I need someone to work with me on this...and Voc rehab said I wasn't sick enough to help? IDK..I get turned down for so much that it almost seems like God is really leading me in the specific direction of writing. So I have no presents just from me. I am working for Nancy for the gifts...its not the same to Mitchell. He would be freaking wowed if mom did all that!
2 Pm
Taco Johns Laurel. Potatoe Ole Bravo ends up on cement. Do read further. I asked when the bag came out. Is there a fork in there? She called out to the packer...and yes there was a fork in there. I didn't double check my freakin bad. I get halfway to the interstate and there is no fork. I fight traffic flip around and go back with the idea in my head that I should have a free meal out of the inconvenience, especially since I specifically asked. Well no not unless you "give the food back." Well I ate an ole already? Where is your receipt??? I wasn't given a reciept...well the only way you can get a refund is with the receipt. And also you still wont get the food. So no courtesy or customer service? She had the fork in her hand and my debit card...I was so mad, because I was running a half hour late for Nancy and this manager of TJ's was like saying "its not that big of deal." And I am like if I didn't think it was a big deal to not have a fork with my meal I wouldn't have verified it! Anyway I snatched my card-no refund-snatched up the fork...and just because she was acting like I was being cheap after all I have paid for a bazillion tacos and never asked for a courtesy refund...I didn't say anything else I just dumped the food on the ground and left. Needless to say it was probably like the most awful thing I have ever done when not in psychosis. And I was starving...and didn't eat until the Faith Chapel bagel...Lord what a day.
4 am to 2 Pm
Sometimes I wake up from a dream and I am like I need to write that down. Well this mornings blog obsession with how my face is slumping...and that led to eventual legal assisted suicide, but first I would campaign anti meds, because they do not really know what they are given us lab rats. Maybe it sounds vain but after all meds have done to me I don't think I could handle my face being permenetly deformed. If you havn't noticed I am so angry at meds anyway. That blog was 4-5. 5 eat Gramma's Gone Off Her Rocker...chokecherry jalepeno jelly which I would be selling all day and once I figured out I must say "chokecherry" first when I am hollering at people or I may say Jalepeno Artichoke dip...and we don't have that. Have a cup of coffee...oh yeah spent the night at Dragon's mom and dads. Watched some GOT the night before! So good!
Drive van in do well setting up...getting er done, have plenty of spare time. She made "Winter is Coming" signs and we hung them up all over. I made a facebook ad. Ok whatever people start coming at 8. Its alot of people. Its like "Do you want to try..." Over and over and over and sample and all that I am having fun, and I feel confident and it is going well. Jane lets me smoke whenever...it is going well...I have eaten two breakfasts...I took meds last night. Meds are stupid and a waste of money btw! Cause I start getting these crossover sensations about 10:30 its a strange physical feeling in my head...its thinking am acting funny and people are noticing me. Its thinking everything matters...every move is being watched. And maybe it is somewhere? But in that situation we were just selling some damn pepper jellies. Ya' all see why alot of jobs don't work for me. I tried to work through it...and I did! I told Jane without telling her too much, that I needed to go clear my head and get away from the crowd. So I took a 20 minute walk away from the Market...and sat on some kind of city decorative thing and prayed and meditated and breathed. This has happened so many times...its a sign of a dark psychosis. So I worked my head through what was reality...the reality was that that morning I was to be friendly and happy and selling jellies with Jane. The reality is that those twisted thoughts have no business messing up my day...just a lot of deep breaths and recognizing how many times I have followed the crossover into demonic places. And how I can't because its my boy's birthday tomorrow.
NOW. I think I hear hell yelling at me tonight. I don't know what they want...so I ignore them. I took what is called an Emergeny Med...its the one I gain three pounds every time I take one. Basically it knocks you out and as you are falling asleep you get a light show in your eyes, I wonder what it does to my brain. I also had a major time span lapse in my head today selling jellies...I don't know it that is usual, but it scared me!
I will go back wars (that means backwards to crazy people!) with my day. Alfred is fed. He is my new Praying Mantis...who I found on my porch he was "Alphaba" but she was the one with the fangs about to mate with Alfred and eat him after...so me to the rescue because I understand men who are afraid of women "eating them." SheRah is fed. She's liccking her tail right now...maybe butt, but we shouldn't say such things about ladies, lol. I am in pajamas. It is 10;44. And my day began at 4am with a stupid blog about how the left side of my face is now slumping...and how abilify made my hands permently twitch starting at age 22. Oh went off. Been almost bald...100 pounds over my God given weight....but OH wait we are doing this back wars I said.
8;30 Pm Arrive at one meeting after absolutely not wanting to attend the other place...after being convinced that I must attend with a young girlfiend who had also asked me to go to to church. At the end of this meeting I feel it appropriate to announce that I am starting a dual diagnosis meeting and am in the process of securing our location. So "outside issues" OH LORD. All I had to say was I was starting a dual diagnosis meeting. Suddenly I am not an alcoholic I have decided I am a "Problem drinker" and my main issue is mental illness. I don't identify really with alot of what is a discussed after five years??? UM ok...so stick foot in mouth please....and do it again when you talk of the other stigmatized places the dual diagnosis meetings are held. Oh and also go into and explain why you don't think you are a true alcoholic because you only wanted to die because of your divorce and most the rest is happy memories and I drank with immunity. Most but not all. And the reason I want to stay sober is for my primary issue. I am so weird. A weird dipshit!!!
Moving on 5 pm. Faith Chapel. Same convincing young friend doesn't like to go places alone.I kind of don't like that church. Went there 8 years...people don't even smile at you when you look them directly in the eye and smile...or look there way or even acknowledge you...just a very hostile feeling in the coffee area! We sit down by nurse from the psychward. Cool I will ask her why it feels like my face is drooping...will it be permanent like my hands? No you just need a shot in the nerve. Also sounds terrifying with my bad luck. Worship. Fine I sing. I love Jesus too. Credits and announcements I swoon near faint I got too much on my mind to listen to a sermon...I need a bagel!
Go eat delicious bagel surrounded by more people that seems super clique and maybe that is because I am burnt on church in general...my head blows up like a baloon and I walk out...and light up a cig in my car. Asurion calls. They say I owe another $150 for the phone I got replaced. The new one is already cracked and Verizon treats people with credit scores of 680 like Queens and girls with cracked phones, disabled Iphones and late payments like obscure might I even say he thought I was missing teeth and rocking back and forth? Because had seven hundred dollars in credit there in March. And he says it only matters whats happened since. I tell assurion tonight that when I filled out the form for the lost/stolen/damaged phone it was in fact smashed and I had it that way for three months waiting to get a hundy. Since in my last psychotic episode it went in the trash and who is gonna buy my psychosis story. So know I am paying another $150 and it takes $365 to get out of the Moto even though its programming isn't right...and its cracked already! That happened in my car waiting for church to get out.
2:30- 4:30 Shopping with Nancy for boys birthday party. I wanted to buy those boots for Mitchell because he said I know you can't get those boots so ask Aunty Laura or Grandma...wanna make a bet? I am gonna spoil you boy...your own worthless overeducated felon of a mama is gonna get you those damn boots! OH YEAH...I am gonna get Welfare baby boy and we gonna hook you right up and have a splendid for both you and your brother. Yes on that $550 a week ago...no on the day it was suppose to come through. Nancy and me were gonna split the boots. I also had bought the boys track phones they can only do internet on. We bought Evan Hotwheels...and then I started thinking about how much the past few months have sucked scraping by after bills were paid. Nancy paid for everything, then my sister called and asked what they wanted, then it was my mom and sis can pay me back for the phones for their gift...and then I burst into tears and said aloud "THIS HURTS ME!" I wanted with all my heart for my son to respect me in buying him exactly what he wanted...when he was like no way mom you can't right? Anyway it does get painful that no one sees value in me just cause I am different. I need someone to work with me on this...and Voc rehab said I wasn't sick enough to help? IDK..I get turned down for so much that it almost seems like God is really leading me in the specific direction of writing. So I have no presents just from me. I am working for Nancy for the gifts...its not the same to Mitchell. He would be freaking wowed if mom did all that!
2 Pm
Taco Johns Laurel. Potatoe Ole Bravo ends up on cement. Do read further. I asked when the bag came out. Is there a fork in there? She called out to the packer...and yes there was a fork in there. I didn't double check my freakin bad. I get halfway to the interstate and there is no fork. I fight traffic flip around and go back with the idea in my head that I should have a free meal out of the inconvenience, especially since I specifically asked. Well no not unless you "give the food back." Well I ate an ole already? Where is your receipt??? I wasn't given a reciept...well the only way you can get a refund is with the receipt. And also you still wont get the food. So no courtesy or customer service? She had the fork in her hand and my debit card...I was so mad, because I was running a half hour late for Nancy and this manager of TJ's was like saying "its not that big of deal." And I am like if I didn't think it was a big deal to not have a fork with my meal I wouldn't have verified it! Anyway I snatched my card-no refund-snatched up the fork...and just because she was acting like I was being cheap after all I have paid for a bazillion tacos and never asked for a courtesy refund...I didn't say anything else I just dumped the food on the ground and left. Needless to say it was probably like the most awful thing I have ever done when not in psychosis. And I was starving...and didn't eat until the Faith Chapel bagel...Lord what a day.
4 am to 2 Pm
Sometimes I wake up from a dream and I am like I need to write that down. Well this mornings blog obsession with how my face is slumping...and that led to eventual legal assisted suicide, but first I would campaign anti meds, because they do not really know what they are given us lab rats. Maybe it sounds vain but after all meds have done to me I don't think I could handle my face being permenetly deformed. If you havn't noticed I am so angry at meds anyway. That blog was 4-5. 5 eat Gramma's Gone Off Her Rocker...chokecherry jalepeno jelly which I would be selling all day and once I figured out I must say "chokecherry" first when I am hollering at people or I may say Jalepeno Artichoke dip...and we don't have that. Have a cup of coffee...oh yeah spent the night at Dragon's mom and dads. Watched some GOT the night before! So good!
Drive van in do well setting up...getting er done, have plenty of spare time. She made "Winter is Coming" signs and we hung them up all over. I made a facebook ad. Ok whatever people start coming at 8. Its alot of people. Its like "Do you want to try..." Over and over and over and sample and all that I am having fun, and I feel confident and it is going well. Jane lets me smoke whenever...it is going well...I have eaten two breakfasts...I took meds last night. Meds are stupid and a waste of money btw! Cause I start getting these crossover sensations about 10:30 its a strange physical feeling in my head...its thinking am acting funny and people are noticing me. Its thinking everything matters...every move is being watched. And maybe it is somewhere? But in that situation we were just selling some damn pepper jellies. Ya' all see why alot of jobs don't work for me. I tried to work through it...and I did! I told Jane without telling her too much, that I needed to go clear my head and get away from the crowd. So I took a 20 minute walk away from the Market...and sat on some kind of city decorative thing and prayed and meditated and breathed. This has happened so many times...its a sign of a dark psychosis. So I worked my head through what was reality...the reality was that that morning I was to be friendly and happy and selling jellies with Jane. The reality is that those twisted thoughts have no business messing up my day...just a lot of deep breaths and recognizing how many times I have followed the crossover into demonic places. And how I can't because its my boy's birthday tomorrow.
NOW. I think I hear hell yelling at me tonight. I don't know what they want...so I ignore them. I took what is called an Emergeny Med...its the one I gain three pounds every time I take one. Basically it knocks you out and as you are falling asleep you get a light show in your eyes, I wonder what it does to my brain. I also had a major time span lapse in my head today selling jellies...I don't know it that is usual, but it scared me!
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