Plans Make Other Plans...

So I was thinking...lol. If it is in God's plan for me to live and stay in Flatt and "do shit..." I have two ideas...I am gonna present my "Black Ink" plan to as many people as I can.  I have studied Peer Mentoring for three years...been to conferences, been certified and been turned down to be a mentor for a State Mental Health and Addictive Disorders division...and when that happened is when I decided I wanted to work for myself anyway and that I shouldn't do direct service because I can't even be a sponsor when I am sick.  I need to have my own schedule...I need to have something set up that can operate without me having to be "on" at all times.  I need a "disability" caviat...I need disability rights and protection and assistance with my own business concept. This is not something I can do by myself and I never acted like it, other than saying it was my concept and I was the proprietor of it.  But I am getting alot of "oh that's such a great idea!" And then not much more...or not a call back and it was "what can I do to help?" to "I am too busy."

And then yesterday I thought about how a little tiny band aid looks on a festering wound.  That's what my Billings, MT downtown eclectic hang out peer mentoring shop would be...it would be more of..."maybe we can help you...maybe we can't, but put your faith in this ok?" And how I am super more passionate about decriminalization of the mentally ill. Decriminalization of my "baby daddy," who is not "mentally ill."  Decriminalization of addictions...decriminalization of our systemic nation wide government propaganda.

So I started in the disability department at University of Washington. I started by asking by how I could be accommodated to get my Masters in Sociology...and eventually a doctorate..Yes I know this isn't Psychology or what I wanted a year ago.  What I wanted was to be a "doctor" mostly.  My childhood dream that never wants to go away no matter what I go through??? And my son said to me like three times this weekend at KOA..."when you're a doctor mom..."  or "mom I know you're gonna be a doctor!"  I must be trippin because I never said anything to my kids about going back to school.  I talked to their dad about Bozeman possibly...but never said to my kids about my ideas of getting a doctorate.  Well I had two years episode free at that time...so why not?  Now?  IDK.  And the ex said that Mitchell should know better than to say that, and GGRRRRRRRR...it made me want to do it!

Stay on damn meds and do it. And recognize that I have such a bad reputation here...that the very City I volunteered two years of my life for let me do "research" in their system and well I came up with some dirt.  And well I would not want to do a hundred page dissertation about GED's in prison and how that helps?  Or study why people commit suicide in prison and how we can help that?  Oh no.  Oh no. Plus maybe it would be nice to get away and not feel like I know "everybody" and "nobody" at the same time???  That language is offensive and everybody, nobody, always, everytime etc are not part of my identity concept in sobriety.  People just be busy with their own lives and don't have time for my dramatics is all!  My drama be off the hook not normal and I know it...anyhoo.

So UW students get to do press conferences and presentations. Research and studies in depth...and write many papers.  I can write papers lol! I see that my business bachelors and ultrasound degree meant shit to me as a felon where I grew up!  What if I were educated fully on systems, in a way that I could do more than say they are wrong and don't work and are stupid and here's what I think?  Here's what I lived?  Because the fact of the matter is that people do not truly listen to someone until they are educated...and right now I am just simply another one in the system complaining about it. And billions of complaining people can't get the other billions to be radical with changes and I really super duper want to know "why!" Where is our revolution?

Anyway so they give out a diversity scholarship for the the first year.  I thought maybe I could get it...but they mean "diversity" in race.  Wow way to figure it all out "melting pot?"  Gosh I am so outspoken but really?  Why can't a mental disability mean you're "diverse" and not just disabled?  Oh well.  Lots to think about with this...what I really want....if I stay in Flatt...and what does God want?

I am going to be at the Wellbriety Talking Circle to discuss BLACK Ink Peer Mentoring tonight.  I didn't sleep well and feel shaky...but its only 9.  I will be fine by this evening...I am excited.  I go in too many different directions and I think that is ok...I know its good to have plans and back up plans and driving goals.  And plus if all else fails and I am just a mad woman, I am happy to just write and write, anyway.  Maybe then do more yoga...


I don't know what to do.  No matter how much I put myself out there...no matter how hard I try...I am still "machined up."  Guess it depends what side of the WAR I wanna be on...and whether I wanna fight with more education?  Or fight with my non-reality based knowledge of spiritual warfare...and maybe I should watch more rock videos before I think of things like running away from home to get educated for Five years.  Fuk I don't think we have five years...people are already dying in class wars because of drugs.


This is something I would fight and die for...turn it around already!  Its something to say "you thought my life wouldn't matter?"  "You thought all these lives wouldn't matter?"  'Thought dead babies woudn't matter?"  hmm...hmmmm...


And totally God is in control! And I know GOOD WINS...so no worries.

Here is the link to the video: Nothing More Go To WAR


The link isn't working...good video just YouTUBE it lol!  My links always work!  Its possibly a copyright issue...



















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