Nightmare On "Black Ink Street"

So I thought I was asked to talk about my ideas for a Mentoring service last night and the need for more dual diagnosis recovery options in our city last night at a talking circle. Do I know what a Talking Circle is?  Other than a meeting? I guess I was confused and ill informed about what to expect and let me tell you my night was literally a heartbreaking nightmare!

I was a little sketchy all day.  Slept wrong...and was mixing ideas of Peer Mentoring plans with reducing recidivism through criminal record expungement by way of monitored recovery...researching that? Had not printed out my plans.  Had decided to go to a nooner to level out instead of just looking at my plan again and getting more comfortable with it. Was tired from the weekend so needed a nap but felt like I should be getting more prepared.  And then couldn't focus on my plan but too interested in finding grants for felons! Called who I thought was an "angel investor."  Jeezus! So I left my house at four to be there at six.  Bought some Lucky's salad for the Potluck that was to be prior to the talking circle, that I couldn't believe the price!  What?  But I had gone there because someone had told me about a natural stress reliever supplement thing, and my doctor will not prescribe me anything for anxiety until I quit smoking?  What again? No pressure or anything. But its true I know that smoking is causing my anxiety...I just can't stop...and yes it makes me angry.

So then I ask a favor for printing where I shouldn't have...I was an annoyance. I had asked my case manager as Housing Authority because they had offered before when I was at an appointment.  Well mine wasn't there so I asked the director over the phone and in an email and I should have just had it taken care of by then...so just felt ridiculous!  I had totally reached out to the director who I used to know really well. As I do sometimes with people I used to know I was asking in the email if she knew if there was a way to get paid to develop strategic plans for these ideas I am coming up with...so you know I don't have to "find" a job right now...she was busy. Anyway.

So there I was sitting downtown plenty early and what happens as I am reading my plan for the first time that day?  I hadn't been so worried because my idea was to just tell parts of my recovery story and why this is so needed...that part is not hard for me.  And I have talked outloud about my idea enough one on one that its like ok I can give a little spiel.  But sitting downtown I was freaking! Its 5:15  I get a call.  Its a little 19 year old gal I've taken to a few meetings...maybe nine months ago. "I've been out of town, I am stuck at this gas station, I have nothing, I need to go to a meeting..."  "OMG tonight...but here is what I have going on...will you be ok for a couple hours. Um I am stressed...I have something important tonight."

 So suddenly that's what I was supposed to do...I wasn't ready to speak about my plan I was "expanding" it. I had only been to two meetings there it wasn't my time to talk...just was like well??? I texted the secretary that I needed to help this gal and couldn't speak tonight.  Well she said "Oh you don't need to speak...its just a potluck."  So I go pick up 19 year old and we are on our way to the potluck...we both need cigarettes. I ask the girl who is into drugs and that's harder for me to understand than alcohol...she is going off about her past few months and I am trying to stay cool and listen.  I ask if she could handle this potluck I  was suppose to go to?  "Um, I just really wanted to take a shower and hang out with you until I go to dinner with my friend..." So what I didn't know as my temper is flaring up from the Double Tree on 27th to the hospital as it is 6 pm...is that said friend is wanting to help her get into detox?  Well whatever....I am like you want to screw around and do drugs for a year and then call me on an important night for me, and then go get a "hook up"...you can freakin shower at the Crisis Center! Dammit I was mad!...I parked my car after throwing my plans all over the back seat...needed a breather. I can't really tell all the time when people are lying, but she was like so sweet ya know?  And "just wanted to talk to you Miranda, I need help and got mixed up in some bad things."  Dude ok. I tried to call someone else to help her. Hugs. Here's some cigarettes I am going to that potluck alone. And I was out. (After apologizing profusely.)

Was that the best thing?  IDK. I walk into the potluck with my measely $12 pasta salad.  And my jaw dropped.  There were like 60+ people there?  And I know 3.  A huge lavish spread and my salad was not needed. Not my cup of tea.  Not my cup of tea at all! So I go sit by the three people I know, that I barely know...and when I say I cross realities its a little of being up and down, its a little of confident or not, famous or not, good or evil, everyone knows, nobody knows.  But the hardest for me is when I start believing that everyone on the planet is in on some big secret and that no matter how I try, I don't do the right things.  It was about the girl because I knew I looked frazzled so I explained my late arrival and why and suddenly how I handled the situation with the 19 year old made me "wrong and evil" and the big game plan of life.  And I don't mean I had shame I mean I was schizophrenic? maybe about what I had done with the risk of this girl's life and I didn't protect her.  And like she was an agent...

So I asked the secretary sitting next to me if she told the guy that asked me to speak I wasn't ready tonight? "Um...no one asked you to speak. "He did last week when he invited me."  "Oh."  She didn't know!  And maybe it wasn't gonna be a big deal...but right about then was a moment where 60 people I didn't know were spinning around me...and I kind of slumped my hand to my head in a scowl and deep thought of what to do.  And I was asked what was wrong from the person that could really help me with all this....like really really help me that I actually got to spend and hour with her the week before... And instead of saying..."I am confused right now and don't know what is happening tonight or my part in it, or if I am  supposed to talk for 2 minutes or 20 minutes and I need clarification because not only is this too soon for me, I am also having a schitzophrenic moment..Plus there is a kazillion people here and I am writer, not a speaker!"

"Oh nothing, just thinking and then blah blah blah whatever about thinking too much and messed up sleep and my "bipolar"" haha I need to call what I have something other than just your average bear "bipolar." And in about five minutes out from that I got up...left my plate.  Excused myself for the restroom, knowing I was leaving, and just didn't want to explain shit...and bam out the front door.  Do you think I beat myself up and down one side and the other all night?  YES.  Dammit.

In fact I was so upset, and now that my face feels deformed from the Abilify I must apply for the "assisted suicide" from the state. Its legal, my life is beyond difficult and now I am gonna have a lopsided face to boot!  How about such a head ache that you're sure that its a full left side stroke and you'll never even be able to type?  Then people couldn't say things like "you illness can't be that bad?  Pull it together...try harder...pay your dues in life Miranda"  Because A) I will finally look disabled...and B) there is no B needed when you look disabled! And then ah finally people will understand and stop giving me so much shit...and when I attempted to do something I would get help not dejected at every turn. I am not freakin on disability because I am lazy! Ah my face is falling off! There now! Is that enough?

But I really don't like the ER because I would go there and say I want to be assessed for stroke symptoms and it would be about my crazy head.  So I called my doc yesterday...what to do because I know Abilify gave me tardive diskenisia in my left hand-permanent twitch.  I wonder how I would handle my face feeling permanently pulled down like I can't smile?  And my teeth wont line up?  Even if other's can't see it...it would just be yet another thing for me to bitch about that other's don't even notice.  And that my friends is the story of my insane life!

Yes what a nightmare sometimes...and I know other's fight hidden illnesses. God bless your roads and God keep you because it is so difficult explaining and justifying and I for one have stopped doing that in person.

And I burned a hole in my new sundress last night...right when I was being all upset with 19 year old.  Karma of the "eternity is watching you" kind...

Good night!







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