Ok. So today I looked up alternative medicine...you know if my face hadn't felt like it was going to be permanently disfigured, I don't think I would be sitting here with a very loose plan of how this is all going to work out. Its scary. Yes I have done a little research here and there on Mindfreedom.org and Bipolar Awakenings, but definently shaky on this leap of faith. But I did it and if I don't die from withdrawals in my sleep....or like a billion other things that could go wrong...I may be just fine! Must trust in God.
I am taking Niacin B3 a vitamin which has shown to heal schitzophrenics for fifty years, but has never been approved by the FDA. Maybe because it is a vitamin and that's just too easy. I feel ok. I am sleeping a ton...which I am forgiving myself for. I feel like I can breath again...and I am so glad to not be angry at the world. I realize that right now is not the time to take on the world! Duoh!
I also realize that maybe the type of help I need to overcome my psychosis isn't in Billings, MT. I wrote Dr Phil again today...and googled Transpersonal psychologists in Seattle. I am getting no where fast continuing to believe in my other world. I know it is there in me for a reason, but it is prolly scary and not sexy, right! Sure I love the creativity and energy...but what good is that going to do me behind bars? I could be behind bars right now for parking in front of Adam's garage. And if after four years of leaving him alone a "ghost town" delusion can be that strong...where else is it going to lead me? Its like Alice down the hole...and Adam is my lil white wabbit, lol.
If he was at all intrigued by whats happened in this he would have let me know by now. Frankly sometimes I think he is plotting how to kill me and get away with it, and that is just where my mind goes. Yeah I have no fricken clue what he thinks...but I just keep writing his character and I am swept up in my own delusional romance.
I was thunking today how freeing it might be for me to try and heal this in another city where I do not know people and people would have no clue about my past or reputation unless I told them. Where I don't actually know every nook and cranny from top to bottom where everything is at! Today at the meeting it was admitted like they just listen to me and have no clue how to help me! JEEZ! Sobriety has kicked my ass! My answers are not in the program...yet its what I got here! And my psychologist of three years really swept over that I have whole other altered society that I go to...he would say "nice fantasy Miranda" and "that's a chemical imbalance." I say take your chemical imbalance theories and shove them up your a hole.
I need a doctorate level transpersonal psychologist that isn't into western medicine. There is one transpersonal therapist listed in Billings, and I've had her and she totally through me under the bus with Adam. She asked him to make her a back pack and shit? WHAT? Any way that was 2013...and I don't trust her for shit after I saw how she talked about me after knowing my two months (in an email to Adam.)
I really want someone to believe with me that my insanity serves a greater purpose! I think I have apocalyptic knowledge about soul mates and genetics...and the Upside Down States. And clearly as many times as I have been dismissed about it, I keep getting thrown back into these states of consciousness depicting an oppositional reality. Why? Why me? And shit is not working out here. I am not allowed to see my kids right unsupervised now per a doctor. I am sick of the hospital, I am sick of no alternatives.
This is about survival. This is about not believing in a character in my psychosis...that any day now he is gonna knock on my door. This survival is about growing the fuk up and living for who matters, my children. If I cannot get over my psychosis about him being my soul mate, I will continue to be a bitch to men who approach me until my breasts shrivel up and my skin gets leathery, and I am old and bitter and saying "how was I that stubbornly insane my whole life?" He played a roll in my healing process....now move the fuk on!
I don't know how to make my psychosis not real to me...and I have had zero good answers or direction on the matter. Got to write the damn book and have it analyzed...UUUUgggggghhhhhh I am so stinkin tired of how hard my life is!
I guess I am truly blessed to be hella interesting, lol. If tragedy can be avoided that would be tits.
Goodnight!
I am taking Niacin B3 a vitamin which has shown to heal schitzophrenics for fifty years, but has never been approved by the FDA. Maybe because it is a vitamin and that's just too easy. I feel ok. I am sleeping a ton...which I am forgiving myself for. I feel like I can breath again...and I am so glad to not be angry at the world. I realize that right now is not the time to take on the world! Duoh!
I also realize that maybe the type of help I need to overcome my psychosis isn't in Billings, MT. I wrote Dr Phil again today...and googled Transpersonal psychologists in Seattle. I am getting no where fast continuing to believe in my other world. I know it is there in me for a reason, but it is prolly scary and not sexy, right! Sure I love the creativity and energy...but what good is that going to do me behind bars? I could be behind bars right now for parking in front of Adam's garage. And if after four years of leaving him alone a "ghost town" delusion can be that strong...where else is it going to lead me? Its like Alice down the hole...and Adam is my lil white wabbit, lol.
If he was at all intrigued by whats happened in this he would have let me know by now. Frankly sometimes I think he is plotting how to kill me and get away with it, and that is just where my mind goes. Yeah I have no fricken clue what he thinks...but I just keep writing his character and I am swept up in my own delusional romance.
I was thunking today how freeing it might be for me to try and heal this in another city where I do not know people and people would have no clue about my past or reputation unless I told them. Where I don't actually know every nook and cranny from top to bottom where everything is at! Today at the meeting it was admitted like they just listen to me and have no clue how to help me! JEEZ! Sobriety has kicked my ass! My answers are not in the program...yet its what I got here! And my psychologist of three years really swept over that I have whole other altered society that I go to...he would say "nice fantasy Miranda" and "that's a chemical imbalance." I say take your chemical imbalance theories and shove them up your a hole.
I need a doctorate level transpersonal psychologist that isn't into western medicine. There is one transpersonal therapist listed in Billings, and I've had her and she totally through me under the bus with Adam. She asked him to make her a back pack and shit? WHAT? Any way that was 2013...and I don't trust her for shit after I saw how she talked about me after knowing my two months (in an email to Adam.)
I really want someone to believe with me that my insanity serves a greater purpose! I think I have apocalyptic knowledge about soul mates and genetics...and the Upside Down States. And clearly as many times as I have been dismissed about it, I keep getting thrown back into these states of consciousness depicting an oppositional reality. Why? Why me? And shit is not working out here. I am not allowed to see my kids right unsupervised now per a doctor. I am sick of the hospital, I am sick of no alternatives.
This is about survival. This is about not believing in a character in my psychosis...that any day now he is gonna knock on my door. This survival is about growing the fuk up and living for who matters, my children. If I cannot get over my psychosis about him being my soul mate, I will continue to be a bitch to men who approach me until my breasts shrivel up and my skin gets leathery, and I am old and bitter and saying "how was I that stubbornly insane my whole life?" He played a roll in my healing process....now move the fuk on!
I don't know how to make my psychosis not real to me...and I have had zero good answers or direction on the matter. Got to write the damn book and have it analyzed...UUUUgggggghhhhhh I am so stinkin tired of how hard my life is!
I guess I am truly blessed to be hella interesting, lol. If tragedy can be avoided that would be tits.
Goodnight!
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