Okay so there I was cleaning and enjoying my own company for all of about fifteen minutes...when this song came on. I guess its just a blogging kind of day for me. Just wondering why and how I am still in the same clothes I put on two days ago. For real, lol. Super cute tshirt dress and yoga pants, so comfortable for any occasion, and I am set! Shhhh don't tell anybody that part...let's keep that our little secret! I was seriously jamming to this song and dancing like someone in Heaven was watching.
So this song came on and I feel it ...feel it. Yeah I am brave...feel pretty freakin invincible at times. After all I have been through. Mainly like a survivor of some wicked shit that may or may not be over. Its so indescribable and yet I try to write it. I know that if there wasn't love in my heart through this whole process I wouldn't make it. I understand I am not loved in return, and that my love was created through supernatural experiences that are truly foreign concepts, well to pretty much everybody.
I really need to work on my book, but it intimidates me because I want it to be a page turner and flow just so, with everything in the right place...and I say in the dual group thing that "perfect" shouldn't be in our vocabulary. But I am a perfectionist with mental issues and thats been real hard. "Don't cry you fukn baby...you're suppose to be invincible! Right!"
I am isolating really bad I guess that's why I am blogging so much...and I have put the wall that was supposed to be the border between Mexico and US neatly around my heart. Brick by fkn brick. And I block every dude that tries to talk to me and that's in the hundreds by now. I don't even know how stupid I am to preserve a fairy tale...or the things my psychosis tells me are true. Or love that took me farther into life than ever before. But it is only real to me.
I am so brave to live through the chaos and confusion of my heart and mind. And I never want to take for granted that its a gift from God. I have tattooed on my back ..."breath from God." in Hebrew. Cause I am seriously taken back how strong He thinks I am.
And I just got a call from a publisher...ah yes I was excited for a minute. Maybe less than a minute. I cut off her speil and was just like how much? $899- $3500 for book publishing and marketing, and that may as well be a million to me in my current state of finances.
I am tired and wiped out as hell of of my efforts to keep striving on. And I can hear the voices of hell today and I don't know what they want from me. Must be more important in general that I can hear other realms...more important than anything I could spend my whole day or life writing about. My efforts are all in futility for a much bigger reason than I know. A blatant "no" in pretty much every direction in Flatt is kinda fishy if you ask me? Or if people are interested they don't want to lend a hand?
Anyway I may bitch alot...I have plenty on my plate to bitch about. My life not a walk in the park! So I don't really know about invincible. But brave? I will take that! I always drank to blend in. and relax and let my wit and humor flow...I hate to admit it was so much easier to drink and I had much easier time navigating life. I am exasperated by this struggle. I do not know how I am not dead. My finest guess at that is...I am not dead because I am a prophet...yeah I will just go with that and chin up! There is something more to all this.,,and that is my faith.
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