I end up where I began...applying at Pizza Hut 23 years later. Not to be a waitress which I definitely cannot do, but delivery. My mom turned me in for stealing draft beer from Pizza Hut when I was 17. LOL I brought home two huge to go cups. They literally let a bunch of teenagers close the store, Anyway yesterday I saw their sign for drivers. BUT I didn't have a license to go with my app, because I lost my wallet last week and don't have any money to go get one. That probably looked pretty ridiculous...and they check your driving record and I have a recent accident. At least I would make tips. I don't think the hotel wanted me either...I havnt heard back. Guess I'll just go eat worms.
Ya know though, I have all these great ideas. And alot of belief in myself...the things I am capable of like having a doctorate, writing grants, books, and opening businesses, and such. But I feel as though the opposing force in my life won't let up. Last night I got through pages of a grant and then they wanted a Tax Id number, so I looked that up and it was like $150. So I actually need a grant that would help with the process of getting grants...
You know that "If You Build it...They will come?" In Field of Dreams? Well I am Kevin Kostner, lol. It seems unbelievable...and since my PO told me to write my own business plan...I wrote it with caviats and grace for what I need in a job. I didn't hide anything...because I am not always well and there is no telling when it will happen. But I will not be dismissed. What is so hard about my illness, is I don't have it all the time. I flip back into Flatt where I am like the drudges of society...and only God knows why.
I am in dire mid life crisis. I will be 39 in a matter of days. If I keep getting doors slammed in my face every which way I turn, or people giving me lip service...come February I'm leaving on a jet plane. I cannot catch a fukn break for like 7 years now in this town. I have tried in every possible direction...hundreds of rejected applications. Don't even get interviews. Getting excited about being published in a magazine that doesn't exist. Queries to literary agents...with auto rejections. People telling me they are gonna help and then dont'...I guess thats lip service. Sometimes I think I am being spoofed, like all the rejection is like a ironic hoax, because its absolutely awful to get turned down at every attempt I make.
In the psychward when I told my ideas to the group mainly about peer mentoring one of the techs said I blew him out of the water with my ideas. Pretty much everyone I have talked to says its good. Yet my phone hasn't rang for about two months besides solicitors and family. Its kind of like WOW thats such a good idea...and I say "I can't do it on my own would you like to help" to the people in my past life. Well maybe there is a reason they are in my past!
So watch there is gonna be some hot shot with money who steals my business idea....yeah because I just put it out on blast. I guess I thought it might be interesting to see my freakin metamorphosis to a butterfly (again I mean) I am a retroactive butterfly lol! Like totally keeping track of all this entails.
So February I can leave the state. That's about how long I am willing to move forward with this. If it doesn't pan out, I am pretty sure I fit in alot better in Seattle. I am not giving up, but hearing no from so many people, or 'I am too busy.' And I have learned how to go without money in a big way. No one in this town as far as social services is willing to help me. I don't qualify because my IQ is too fukn high, I guess I will take that as a compliment while I become a prostitute. Then my reputation would be real solid! I would be a classy escort...no sex. Yes I have thought about charging lonely men going to activities and functions and just keeping them entertained. Fuk dude I have thought of everything I could possibly do, and it just leaves me feeling forgotten in my hometown. I care about this city and the people in it, but I don't think it matters. Plus I am gifted. Just saying. Gifted and unwanted in the mainstream of life. So what I can't even get a housekeeping job! PHEW! Ramble on.
This all feels like a big big redemption story in the making....and I just wont give up on life. And if I did give up after all this adversity which feels just like my psychosis everyone is with me...then flip everyone is against me. What a trip and so on ward marching soldier.
Ya know though, I have all these great ideas. And alot of belief in myself...the things I am capable of like having a doctorate, writing grants, books, and opening businesses, and such. But I feel as though the opposing force in my life won't let up. Last night I got through pages of a grant and then they wanted a Tax Id number, so I looked that up and it was like $150. So I actually need a grant that would help with the process of getting grants...
You know that "If You Build it...They will come?" In Field of Dreams? Well I am Kevin Kostner, lol. It seems unbelievable...and since my PO told me to write my own business plan...I wrote it with caviats and grace for what I need in a job. I didn't hide anything...because I am not always well and there is no telling when it will happen. But I will not be dismissed. What is so hard about my illness, is I don't have it all the time. I flip back into Flatt where I am like the drudges of society...and only God knows why.
I am in dire mid life crisis. I will be 39 in a matter of days. If I keep getting doors slammed in my face every which way I turn, or people giving me lip service...come February I'm leaving on a jet plane. I cannot catch a fukn break for like 7 years now in this town. I have tried in every possible direction...hundreds of rejected applications. Don't even get interviews. Getting excited about being published in a magazine that doesn't exist. Queries to literary agents...with auto rejections. People telling me they are gonna help and then dont'...I guess thats lip service. Sometimes I think I am being spoofed, like all the rejection is like a ironic hoax, because its absolutely awful to get turned down at every attempt I make.
In the psychward when I told my ideas to the group mainly about peer mentoring one of the techs said I blew him out of the water with my ideas. Pretty much everyone I have talked to says its good. Yet my phone hasn't rang for about two months besides solicitors and family. Its kind of like WOW thats such a good idea...and I say "I can't do it on my own would you like to help" to the people in my past life. Well maybe there is a reason they are in my past!
So watch there is gonna be some hot shot with money who steals my business idea....yeah because I just put it out on blast. I guess I thought it might be interesting to see my freakin metamorphosis to a butterfly (again I mean) I am a retroactive butterfly lol! Like totally keeping track of all this entails.
So February I can leave the state. That's about how long I am willing to move forward with this. If it doesn't pan out, I am pretty sure I fit in alot better in Seattle. I am not giving up, but hearing no from so many people, or 'I am too busy.' And I have learned how to go without money in a big way. No one in this town as far as social services is willing to help me. I don't qualify because my IQ is too fukn high, I guess I will take that as a compliment while I become a prostitute. Then my reputation would be real solid! I would be a classy escort...no sex. Yes I have thought about charging lonely men going to activities and functions and just keeping them entertained. Fuk dude I have thought of everything I could possibly do, and it just leaves me feeling forgotten in my hometown. I care about this city and the people in it, but I don't think it matters. Plus I am gifted. Just saying. Gifted and unwanted in the mainstream of life. So what I can't even get a housekeeping job! PHEW! Ramble on.
This all feels like a big big redemption story in the making....and I just wont give up on life. And if I did give up after all this adversity which feels just like my psychosis everyone is with me...then flip everyone is against me. What a trip and so on ward marching soldier.
- PS I would like to praise God this morning for exactly how he made me! Good Morning Neverland!
Comments