Hindsight Bilnd

I just applied for a grant pretty much blind...couldn't see the keys, or my screen.  I went to my optometrist at Shopko and he did shit for me.  He just said it was a side effect of stopping Abilify.  I really don't know how to forge on with this.  The grant I signed up for was for people with disabilities and after I got it all filled out they wanted to charge me $29.95 to submit it and I know that is not how it goes.  There are so many scams out there, that I am not going to apply for any more until I talk to Big Sky EDA on the tenth. Here I will type a paragraph of what my typing skills are like when I can't see my screen or keys.

A little idy about Jack and Diane to american kids groiwng up in the hearlan which way did they go>  did they end up junies anc no one saw them againl, and they got alll shriveled up and old  because they fell into the lower class division. they couldn't take care of their kids so they got cps and paper trails of insituitims. but that hat love. And thats what matters.love matters don't ya think>  trust matters. And Jck and Diane were awesne, jack was  a football star.  who cares if I can't see to type anymore.  Remember my name is iJOb. Addkuctui I mean affliction and dont give up five minutes becair the mirable.  I type by site and memory I don;t have key placements correct,

Yeah um I kinda like to type you see?  All that effort into a grant, blind and then they are a money making scam. I need to make an appointment with a optometrist that would actually look into what has happened with my eyes. I seriously don;t feel llike typing slow with my face two inches from the screen. Un fricken believable my life is. God must have some big plans for me is all I am saying cause shit gets harder and harder for me.  I def understand why suicide is rampant with my illness. I once read that most people with my illness don't make it past thirty.  That is very disparaging.

Gonna make an appointment with an ophthalmologist today. It needs to be figured out...more than can you see this letter?  Twenty eight years my eyes were the same.,,and Abilify lawyers are there to help people out with gambling addictions?  What is this world?  I'd much rather be in ConCord.

I no longer even understand how everywhere I turn I get dejected...the prism of my realities is very much like a prison and the walls are moving in to crush me. Its like a flash between worlds where everything goes my way and it is brilliant and beautiful and exciting and everyone is for me.  Then suddenly I am back in Flatt...insane and, poor with everything being stripped from me.  And I really really want to know what God is doing because its all getting pretty confusing...like beyond fuking confusing really.

And so in this moment I can see my screen and keys...so it must be some type of spasm...I have noticed this a couple other times that it comes back?  Lol maybe I have spiritual eyeballs!  Maybe blind faith...maybe even in Flatt there is a way for me to be spiritually minded. I just always flop right back into how I am supposed to be in this world...and never really can assimilate both together.

I think I have opposition quite more than most...is this a refining thing?  Is the fact that people don't want to rock the boat with me and keep things as they are like a big sign to show them up? I mean if feel like we are in the stone ages here...and generations repeating problems?  I really feel that its all backwards and there will be God's New Order.  I mean I literally am in shock how poorly the crowd I used to run with treats me?  It is absolutely unbelievable how mental illness is treated!

This is the yo-yo of my life.  No I can't!  Yes I can! No I won't, Yes I will.  I have to trust God in this because my drive to open this business is huge..I remember asking the court if I could work for them and help with Mental Health Treatment.  So they and a hundred other people have turned me down...and I about lost it when she said "No because you didn't graduate!'  Its things like that that drive me...and seeing a kazillion people come through the program.  And that's a free overcrowded fukn one size fits all answer for the system? With no money to spend on alternatives?  FREE to the system?  The cycle just makes me want to fukn hurl.  MONEY MONEY MONEY.  I still owe like $600 for a $400 a month GPS around my ankle for a year!  MONEY MONEY MONEY...they get grants for their programs and money from participants...and I really don't know what they offered me besides embarrassing the shit out of me and putting me up on stage for something I had always kept to my private life.  How much did that exposure change me?

Well obviously I aint so private about it now! I would never even imagined in my wildest dreams I would end up a blogger...I'd never taken a stance of much of anything in my life!  Haha doesn't pay for shit though!  I believe I will get a pay day some day, though and thats how I hold onto life...just believe I will have my day in Flatt.  In ConCord I am already famous!  Yep.  I know there is a place where none of the BS matters.  I really just get confused in Flatt because it is so freakin miserable...like I do not understand the state the world is in and how blind some people are, and how there is not like a full on revolution by now? Poor people been taking it up the ass in this country for far too long! (pardon my french)  Just stating like WTF?

Anyway my eyesight is still working right now...way weird.  I sometimes think God literally wants me to experience every possible human malady.  Like its my job to be able to identify with others who suffer in a real way.  I have to tell you that I used to be intimidated by people with disabilities of all sorts, and would feel like I didn't know how identify or even conversate, and I would be totally awkward in our differences. And just like magic  I no longer have that fear of people who are who have differablites....its so strange that now I am attracted to people who struggle...and I don't look the other way.  I know that God did that for me...I have yet to understand the power in that or what it means for my life...but I no longer judge people by appearances.And it is almost as if I can see through the outside into the inside and see a true form.  Yes like magic.

Anyway gonna start my day!
Here is Jack and Diane lol.



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