Want Vs. Need

Don't know what I want.

I am in this place where it is defined by this mental/spiritual problem, but I thought it was healed...and finalized through a process but it keeps going. My sons' shining faces that do not understand are being pulled away from me? And would it be best for them for me to disappear?  Take the chaos far from them?  Send them my love in cards and items for holidays?  Never hold them? Never tickle them? Never give in to their McDonald's requests?  Or swim with them in Lake Elmo or play on the rims?  Never hear them giggle at their silly mommy?  Stop squishing the three of us in my Queen bed?

Am I that bad?  Am I that disturbing to my own babies that I should runaway before I confuse them more?  Is this an opinion of an ex husband that never wanted to understand me? I don't see my damage other than him having to say I am in the hospital...and I do not feel it is wrong for me to tell them what I believe in spiritually just because it's not doctrine.

My ex has me so worked up by not letting me see them without supervision...that I feel about as tall as a dirty rat. It makes me feel that because of my illness I am less than...because I don't fit a mold.  No matter my condition I have never let anything bad happen to my kids.  He used to include me in things with his new girlfriend that involved the boys and now he calls it "their family time.". Ouch.  I really think it is her influence making my ex suddenly protective...because I have been having trouble for five years and he has never pulled them away from me.

But this is giving me an out.  I never wanted to leave Seattle eleven years ago...I loved it.  I thought maybe I could have better luck with writing opportunities there...maybe meet more people who would consider me spiritually gifted and not call me a sicko...I just think more open minded people live in big cities.  I know I totally thrived when I was there.

I also thought that Billings is a trigger for my psychosis....I remember one when I was 20 being driven back to Montana to be taken to the psychward and I saw heaven all the way from Spokane until about Deer Lodge.  Beautiful houses and lush forests and rolling hills etc. By Deer Lodge it was hell...and I knew that Bill town was the place where soul debts would be paid and I grew more and more fearful.  

Things connect to me in psychosis so it's like everything in the whole damn town connects sometimes!  Street names are of particular irony!

I wonder if I should do it?  I am on paper til February so I can decide wisely..

Damn I would miss my kids so much.  And it would just be hella cool to try out a different lock down and see if the snakes in my hair would pick their locks too!  Lol...no actually I hope I do figure this shit out and be healthy.  Psychosis is beautiful but only to me and I can't be that selfish right?

So I am gonna need some legit support in this venture if I do it.  There is someone saying they would...um yeah this is all just a thought.  Still want to keep writing and trying for a job a secretary for the National Alliance For the Mentally Ill here  in Billings.  Yes that would be a kick-ass job for m because it is only four hours a day.

So though I really miss Jake I got tired of being let down...in a fukn lock down...so I am just asking for you all to say a little prayer that I stay in Flatt and make some money and maybe have Muslim boyfriend who is is extremely sweet, affectionate, adores me...does not care if I am crazy sometimes. Tells me the sun is jealous of me, and when I go inside my town goes dark lol!  He's so sweet, gorgeous looking, and great accent and we talk for hours on end!  He has taught me some Arabic and his family loves me already. He is Tunisian...and their house is blocks from the Mediterranean Sea!  Fun!!!

I do not know what's going to happen with all this but it's got me thinking that I need to do something different.. stay grounded.  I can still write the second book but it does not have to be ongoing fukn present tense cray cray land! I can explain as in this is what happened in the past, and not still be trapped in it??? I don't believe Jake wants to bring me so much pain and disappointing scenarios, but then again just saying if I could stop meds maybe he would come back? I don't know what he wants when I can't hear him...so sad!!!

Want vs Need...I want and need that NAMI job...Ideally I would like to put my business plan  into action.  I need and want someone to love me for all that I am good and bad...rich or poor.... famous in my own mind or famous for real lol. Funny or sad, etc.  I want to watch my kids grow and I want the promises I made them about my writing paying off to come true.  And I need a donut...but my temp roommate ate the last of them grrrrrr!!!!

Tonight has been brought to you by a sane woman in her late thirties.  She may speak alot of insanity but it is always only temporary.

Oh shit...hi Jake, sup?  Lol. 

And boo Abilify...I hate you.