The magic is gone. I can no longer hear Jake in my head talking to me. Nothing is connecting in the way it was, where it felt like he was always giving me presents and one item always led to the next. Gifted. I think I have been gifted since May...and to Flatt it has been a shit storm. I think five times in the hospital and about five scenes with cops. Such an adventure...so real to me.
I've often thought medication shuts off my spirituality. Like on it I can go months without thinking to talk to God. I am on a new med called Abilify and I have taken it before...I guess it works better than the last one, but it is so sad to me. I guess I like the beauty I find in the spirit world and want to be there, and not Flatt. But it seems the town I live in wants me dull and lifeless, like an over-nuked hot dog, shriveling up into a nothing/nobody space. Not even edible.
It's just so much bigger, my other world. And it makes me so much happier. Talking to Jake...feeling vital...throwing apples at brick walls in fancy hotels...that was a great scene! She said those are not for you??? Ok...fast pitch lol. That was the same night I left my car at Adam's ghost house. It was impounded for $450...had the damn keys in it! Anywho that is all that has happened from that...so far.
I am scared of this nothingness I am feeling...its been in me before. My other world feels more important, and real and what I am suppose to do with my life, than scrambling in Flatt to keep up with the Jones' standard. Is that so bad of me that I now prefer to be what people would call insane? Its just brilliant being totally one with nature...the universe...having every sound beckon you there. Every movement matter, and reflect God's calling on my life. Being the real me. Being insanely intelligent and quick witted. Talking to Jake.
If I was a rich girl...and housing wasn't based on my sanity and not painting myself white head to toe on my porch...I would do it. If money weren't an issue, I would absolutely stop the pain of medicating away who I am suppose to be. I don't think I am dangerous, but I keep ending up in cuffs and taken to the hospital. I am so sick of the hospital. I think I am gonna put it in a living will that I don't want to be taken anywhere. If I wander the streets naked....and someone murders me then it is God's plan. If you can guess death doesn't scare me...totally not worried about it and would be much easier than this life anyway...and then it would all make sense too. The mystery would be solved.
So my go off meds happiness plan has to include something like getting paid to write. Because obviously I won't be holding down no nine to five. I don't know if people get that I would much prefer to live on the spiritual plane...and have the universe at my fingertips, than to be dead inside and depressed all the time for how it cuts me off. Just sayin mom. Just want to be who I really am suppose to be. It just feels so much more important to me.
That is all for now...
I've often thought medication shuts off my spirituality. Like on it I can go months without thinking to talk to God. I am on a new med called Abilify and I have taken it before...I guess it works better than the last one, but it is so sad to me. I guess I like the beauty I find in the spirit world and want to be there, and not Flatt. But it seems the town I live in wants me dull and lifeless, like an over-nuked hot dog, shriveling up into a nothing/nobody space. Not even edible.
It's just so much bigger, my other world. And it makes me so much happier. Talking to Jake...feeling vital...throwing apples at brick walls in fancy hotels...that was a great scene! She said those are not for you??? Ok...fast pitch lol. That was the same night I left my car at Adam's ghost house. It was impounded for $450...had the damn keys in it! Anywho that is all that has happened from that...so far.
I am scared of this nothingness I am feeling...its been in me before. My other world feels more important, and real and what I am suppose to do with my life, than scrambling in Flatt to keep up with the Jones' standard. Is that so bad of me that I now prefer to be what people would call insane? Its just brilliant being totally one with nature...the universe...having every sound beckon you there. Every movement matter, and reflect God's calling on my life. Being the real me. Being insanely intelligent and quick witted. Talking to Jake.
If I was a rich girl...and housing wasn't based on my sanity and not painting myself white head to toe on my porch...I would do it. If money weren't an issue, I would absolutely stop the pain of medicating away who I am suppose to be. I don't think I am dangerous, but I keep ending up in cuffs and taken to the hospital. I am so sick of the hospital. I think I am gonna put it in a living will that I don't want to be taken anywhere. If I wander the streets naked....and someone murders me then it is God's plan. If you can guess death doesn't scare me...totally not worried about it and would be much easier than this life anyway...and then it would all make sense too. The mystery would be solved.
So my go off meds happiness plan has to include something like getting paid to write. Because obviously I won't be holding down no nine to five. I don't know if people get that I would much prefer to live on the spiritual plane...and have the universe at my fingertips, than to be dead inside and depressed all the time for how it cuts me off. Just sayin mom. Just want to be who I really am suppose to be. It just feels so much more important to me.
That is all for now...
Comments