Strivation not a word yet describes me. A proving "I can' when in reality it's absurd. When I had my business plan idea I hadn't been in the hospital for about two years. I was feeling pretty positive and very capable again.
Well it was like a week later that the three months of insanity began...onset so fast and out of control in a heartbeat. And now I am trying to get back that health, sanity and drive to take on such a big thing...and it breaks my heart to say I am being plain stupid by pushing myself to such great heights. I am not who I used to be...I am not the City of Billings savior...sure I have a great idea, but the truth is at this point I am not reliable, nor predictable, not dependable because of what can possibly happen to me at any time I have stopped being able to tell people I can do things and actually know I can get it done.
This is awful being ripped between two worlds. And my magical beautiful world that I love and makes sense to me loses me friends, scares people...puts me in the hospital, keeps me from my kids...threatens my welfare and strips me of dignity...yet I prefer it. Yet I fukn prefer the beauty and joy and feeling loved beyond the grave.
And at dinner tonight Jake's mom called me creepy and that I scare her...well dude it's right I guess. She said it in a loving way but it still hurt. Its real to me...I think it is real. It's a real world to me...I don't imagine it I have an alternate reality...dual realms of existence.
But it's getting too big for me. I am panicky, I am scared and comeplety dropped on my ass in Flatt. I don't think I should ever ask a man to be involved in my life again. I shouldn't because though I am insane I still have a heart...and it doesn't want more pain...and I cannot explain the magnitude of what happens to me to interested men. There is that part of me that wants to be rescued and taken care of but I know I am just too much!
And I am in pain. People are mean to me! Friends I make abandon me! And I don't understand the freaking reason my life is so hard! And I try to say "it's different.". "it's cool" writing about it will be the way I can take care of myself and children and not need to involve a man in my journey...but fukn when right?
My faith is weak and my wallet is empty. 3000 dudes added on FB are not reading my blog...they don't care about anything other than my looks and if I am available...so so much for getting excited it was all starting to happen for me.
And guess who pops into the rooms and says remember me from Anita Lake? I go yes that was probably the most beautiful day of my life! I let her read "the garden" and she let me know that the sheet I was wrapped up in walking down the road was white, dirty and possibly moldy....so I had seen pink and with psychedelic blooming flowers. And she said when she saw me on the road it was like a horror movie and that I scared her and that had not been my perception of the situation at all!!!
In the words of Kermit the Frog "its not easy being green". I am like dude God? For real dude? It's interesting and all but if I can't make a dime and I can't have a man...all this shit, all for me??? Really? It's hella confusing! It's beyond what should be asked of a human being...and one of these days it's gonna be beyond my strength...and though I know that I am supposed to see this through...I do know where to find Jake. And that's maybe morbid to some, but when you talk to ghosts it is less scary. But I know I am not supposed to do that...I am a conduit between two worlds and I am supposed to live. Doesn't mean I am not completely worn out and at the end of me emotionally.
I appreciate my loyal readers...I couldn't imagine going through all this with no platform to get it out of me...I have been working on a book! A making sense of the past five years and all the changes in me thing...I am being meticulous with it and editing and rearranging...making it my best art thus far...I'ma gonna knock some socks off I hope! No title yet! Three chapters so far!
Anyway I will live. Godlovesme!
Well it was like a week later that the three months of insanity began...onset so fast and out of control in a heartbeat. And now I am trying to get back that health, sanity and drive to take on such a big thing...and it breaks my heart to say I am being plain stupid by pushing myself to such great heights. I am not who I used to be...I am not the City of Billings savior...sure I have a great idea, but the truth is at this point I am not reliable, nor predictable, not dependable because of what can possibly happen to me at any time I have stopped being able to tell people I can do things and actually know I can get it done.
This is awful being ripped between two worlds. And my magical beautiful world that I love and makes sense to me loses me friends, scares people...puts me in the hospital, keeps me from my kids...threatens my welfare and strips me of dignity...yet I prefer it. Yet I fukn prefer the beauty and joy and feeling loved beyond the grave.
And at dinner tonight Jake's mom called me creepy and that I scare her...well dude it's right I guess. She said it in a loving way but it still hurt. Its real to me...I think it is real. It's a real world to me...I don't imagine it I have an alternate reality...dual realms of existence.
But it's getting too big for me. I am panicky, I am scared and comeplety dropped on my ass in Flatt. I don't think I should ever ask a man to be involved in my life again. I shouldn't because though I am insane I still have a heart...and it doesn't want more pain...and I cannot explain the magnitude of what happens to me to interested men. There is that part of me that wants to be rescued and taken care of but I know I am just too much!
And I am in pain. People are mean to me! Friends I make abandon me! And I don't understand the freaking reason my life is so hard! And I try to say "it's different.". "it's cool" writing about it will be the way I can take care of myself and children and not need to involve a man in my journey...but fukn when right?
My faith is weak and my wallet is empty. 3000 dudes added on FB are not reading my blog...they don't care about anything other than my looks and if I am available...so so much for getting excited it was all starting to happen for me.
And guess who pops into the rooms and says remember me from Anita Lake? I go yes that was probably the most beautiful day of my life! I let her read "the garden" and she let me know that the sheet I was wrapped up in walking down the road was white, dirty and possibly moldy....so I had seen pink and with psychedelic blooming flowers. And she said when she saw me on the road it was like a horror movie and that I scared her and that had not been my perception of the situation at all!!!
In the words of Kermit the Frog "its not easy being green". I am like dude God? For real dude? It's interesting and all but if I can't make a dime and I can't have a man...all this shit, all for me??? Really? It's hella confusing! It's beyond what should be asked of a human being...and one of these days it's gonna be beyond my strength...and though I know that I am supposed to see this through...I do know where to find Jake. And that's maybe morbid to some, but when you talk to ghosts it is less scary. But I know I am not supposed to do that...I am a conduit between two worlds and I am supposed to live. Doesn't mean I am not completely worn out and at the end of me emotionally.
I appreciate my loyal readers...I couldn't imagine going through all this with no platform to get it out of me...I have been working on a book! A making sense of the past five years and all the changes in me thing...I am being meticulous with it and editing and rearranging...making it my best art thus far...I'ma gonna knock some socks off I hope! No title yet! Three chapters so far!
Anyway I will live. Godlovesme!
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